I don't even know where to start, but please read on this is going to be a long one.
I have a DD 13, I had her when i was 17 with a very very nasty man who was violent and abusive, we went to court when my DD was a baby and he was not awarded PR and was told to leave us alone, which he has done. Well when DD was just over 1yo i met my now XP, we never really lived together properly, but he was at mine more than not, my DD called him daddy and he was the only father figure she knew. We didn't have a very good relationship, very emotionally abusive and we always argued, his friends where always first to him and going out everyweekend thursday friday and saturday night and playing football and drinking all day sunday was what he did.TBH looking back now i was nothing more than a booty call. Well fast forward 6 yrs and we split up and i then found out i was pregnant with DS!!
I decided to keep DS XP wanted me to get rid. We tried on and off for a while to make things work, when DS was 16 motnhs old and DD was 9 my XP got himself a flat, he said it was to prove to me that he could be responsible, that he could be a grown up and pay the bills and doing the washing and the cooking and the cleaning. He asked that i let him have the kids over night at his flat every other saturday so he could prove he was taking all this seriously and i could see that he could be a good dad and that he could look after them etc etc. He said he loved me and wanted us to be a family and he knew he had alot to prove. I went over and looked at the flat and it was ok so i agreed. Well this went on for 3 months, then one sunday after XP had dropped the kids home DD said to me "mum when dad moves back home with us will Di come to?" I asked her what she meant and she said that Di was dads GF the lady that dad lived with!! I was horrified. I asked my DD why she hadn't said before about Di and she said that her dad had told her not to say anything that she had to keep it a secret or she would upset me and if she said anything she wouldn't beable to see him again". I was a full range of emotions as you can imagine and as you can imagine there was somewhat of a heated argument when i spoke with the XP. I stopped him from having the children over night, but not from seeing them and i put a line under our relationship completely, enough was enough, i had to put the children first. I also had to pick up the pieces with my DD as she really couldn't get her head around that dad wasn't coming home and that he had lied and what he had done wasn't right. Telling me in front of her that he loved me and wanted to come home and be a family and then also telling his GF infront of DD that he loved her and was glad he had met her and that she was so much better than i ever was!!DD blamed herself. Well after that XP was in and out of the kids lives every few weeks for a few hours but that was it, no consistancy no real interest in their lives and how they were. I then met my now DP my DS was 22 months and DD was 9.5yo. He was (and still is) fantastic, a proper role model and father figure to the children, consistant, reliable, loving, honest. So much so that DD asked if she cold call him dad and obviously DP was pleased as punch and it wasn't long before DS was copying DD and was calling DP daddy too. Well my XP was still very inconsistantly in and out of their lives so inconsistanlty infact that he didn't even know the kids were calling my DP daddy. 18 months later me and DP decide to, we move 100 miles and also have a DS together. My XP knew where we were and still very inconsistantly came to see the kids. Well at the beginging of this year i decided to tell XP that his visit needed to be more consistant and that we needed some proper routine as DD and DS were now doing activities such as dance and football and judo and that they were of an age that friends birthday parties and things came into play and that we needed to work round those things. Now XP doesn't drive and was using trains and buses to get to us and was only spending about 4 hours with the kids every 3 weeks ish. I suggested that he came up once a month, booked himself into a local B&B and stayed and had the whole weekend with the kids. He went made at this and said that there was no way he was only going to see his kids once a month. This was in January. I then get a solicitors letter land on my doorstep claiming that i was not allowing him to see the children and that if we could not reach an agreement he would be taking me to court. Well we couldn't come to an agreement and we ended up in court having a court order drawn up. But before we went to court DD had said to XP that if he took it to court that she didn't want to have anything to do with him, this was mainly because she felt that she as a 13yo didn't need a judge to tell her if she wanted to see him or not, but also because XP was wanting overnight contact and DD told my XP that there was no way she was staying overnight and that he shouldn't be making her brother stay over either if he didn't want to, which he didn't, infact the thought of DS having to go away made DS extremely stressed and upset to the point of wetting himself. However even after talking to DD and DS XP decided to go to court and told DD that she had to understand that DS was HIS SON and that HE had everyright to have him and was going to get what he was entitled to and that if she didn't want to see him then that was her choice.
So then we went to court and a court order was issued. Contact with DS with XP started again in July, he had conatct everyother saturday from 12pm - 6pm, the first 3 visits were just XP after that he then brought along his GF (the same GF, so it was a long term relationship). The GF was actually soon to be his wife and XP asked that DS attend their wedding, a reasonable request. However XP lives 100 miles away, has no transport and wedding was on a week day. I don't drive and XP wanted my DP to take the day of work and drive DS to XP's wedding!!! He then said the second option was that I bring DS on the train. What a 3 hour train journey with all 3 of my children my DS2 only being 16 months so that I could take DS to my XP's wedding for 12pm that day and then hang around with my other 2 kids, where??, until 7pm when i could go back and pick my DS up from the reception to then have a 3 hour train journey home!! I said that both request were unreasonable and XP said he would come back with another idea and let us know. Well he never did, I then got blamed for that and have had "YOu didn't let me son come to my wedding" thrown in my face!
Right now handovers have been quite stressful with DS kicking and screaming and not wanting to go, even though once he's gone he appears to have a nice time ( what child wouldn't when they are being pumped full of coke and sweets and being bought 4!!! playstaion games in one go, this is every visit and not all of them age appropriate) anyway we had a review in court in september and the court ordered that if XP wanted DS overnight he had to get a 2 bed property so that DS had his own room. The Court order stated fortnightly visits were to continue until the 2 bed property had been got and then the contact was to take place every 3rd week Sat 12-6pm and every 5th weekend Sat12 - Sun 6pm. Well XP got his 2 bed property and as ordered by the court i told DS and tried to encoursge him to be excited about it and to get him used to the idea, this actually caused nothing but stress, to the point of DS not wanting to talk to XP on the phone and obviously that was my fault I had been telling lies to DS about XP and making DS scared of XP !!! YOU WHAT!!! Well I get a letter from XP's solicitors stating that the first overnight contact is to take place 6/7 nov 2010. Obviously as a mum i am naturally nervous about this but the last 2 visits from XP have been alot easier handover wise so I have been encouraged that DS is settling into his new routine and I have approched the staying over night contact with him again and he seems alot happier about it and has said he will be brave and see if he likes it. I was so pround of him and to be honest with you quite releaved. So just before the half term i text XP and said "due to you having DS 6/7 for the whole weekend can we start working on the 5 week rota. This means you will not be due to see DS 30th Oct, this is quite good for us as it is (My DP's) first weekend off in 8 weeks so we are going away with the kids. I have sent a draft schedule of the 5 week rota to my solicitor, you will get a copy from your solicitor".
My phone then rang and XP was screaming down the phone at me!! He was due to see DS on the 30th as well as 6/7 because according to him the judge his solicitor and everyone else got the Contact order wrong and that he is entitled to see DS 3 weekends out of 5 and that he will be calling his solicitor and telling them to call the judge and tell him hes got it wrong. He then went on to say the way he thinks the rota works means he will have DS Xmas but because he can't come and get him Xmas day we will have to make arrnagements to take DS to him!! I told him to get real!! He then said that by law he was entitled and that if i broke the court order he was well within his rights to call the police!!! He then hung up on me. I then got a txt saying "If i let you have my son on the 30th then you need to give me another day, i want him my day off (28th) I said that was fine and he could come and pick him up earlier if wanted at 10am just to let me know. In the meantime i contacted my solicitors to make sure that i wasn't breaking the court order and to tell them what had happened. Well XP turned up 28th at 12pm and said i need to bring him back at 330pm ive got things to do. When he dropped DS DS said his tummy hurt because he was hungry and that XP hadn't given him any lunch. I asked if he had had anything to eat and DS said sweets and a milk shake!!! I tried to call XP but his phone was off.
So off we went for the weekend only for me to get a call from the XP calling me also sorts of names and saying that I'm a lying bitch etc etc that he had got a letter from my solicitors about the 5 week rota and also mentioning the phone call and that he hadn't said he would call the poilce that i was making it up and that if i wanted a fight i had one and that he was going for all he was entilted to!!!
XP has spoken to DS twice this week and has told DS that he iscoming at the weekend and that he has fireworks for him etc etc and like i've said DS seems to be ok ish about all of this.
WELL OMG !!! I've just got a copy of a letter my XP's solicitors have sent to my solicitors and i'm horrified. Firstly he's trying to change the conatct dates, now that in principal i don't mind but the fact that hes been telling DS he will see him this weekend and now he wants it changed to next weekend!! He has also stated that my DP has been causing problems when handover takes place and that my DP is scaring DS. DP's not even here, he works weekends and we've got his works rota signed by his manager to prove it!!Infact my DP has never even spoken to XP not one word, not one!!! and as for DP scaring DS!!! XP has stated that DS has told him that if he doesn't call DP daddy that DP shouts at him and makes him frightened!!! OMG DP wouldn't never ever, he's gutted that XP would say such a thing!!
I would say that I can't beleive XP would lie like this but he would why am i soooooo suprised by this!!??? I'm livid I don't know what to do or say anymore has anyone else been in a battle with an XP like this how did you handle it, what should i do, what can i do, please someone stop me from putting my hands round his neck and slowly enjoy watching him go blue!!!