What do you make of this strange behaviour?

[ilovehens]

ds is 12 and sees his father during the school holidays because the father moved 200 miles away when ds was a toddler.

ds suffers from a severe allergy to nuts and also has asthma and eczema which means that if he does come into contact with nuts, he's more likely to suffer a life threatening reaction. ds carries an Epipen and antihistamine tablets whenever he goes out.

We don't make a fuss about him having this allergy and just work our lives out around it - ds is not unduly anxious about it when he's with us or at school etc.

However, his father refuses point blank to take it seriously and ds has had several non severe reactions whilst in his father's care. His father didn't even see fit to give him an anithistamine tablet when this occured and I shudder to think what he would do if ds did suffer anaphylaxis at any time whilst in his care.

ds visits friend's houses and their mums always read the food labels properly and err on the side of caution, but his father and his family argue with ds if he even points out that he shouldn't be eating such and such a food.

His father tells ds that I'm paranoid and overprotective, even though the hospital consultant has told me to be very careful and to make sure ds always carries his Epipen and antihistamines.

The father uses ds' allergy to induce worries in me and has now informed ds that he plans to take him to an ethnic restaurant when he next sees him. We have been told that this is one of the biggest risks that a nut allergic person can be put under and to avoid doing this at all costs.

ds is now in a state of panic and doesn't want to visit his father anymore.

Why would a parent be doing this to their own child?

The father is very dictatorial and expects people to do as they're told. He is also very opinionated, but with a distinct lack of education or a good general knowledge.

what do you make of this?

Hi, I'm a family lawyer and recently won a case very similar to yours except that the child was a lot younger so couldn't be trusted not to eat things with lactose in them.

Very unusually, the court suspended contact until she is of an age where she can choose/refuse foods which she would then know could harm her.

As there's a court order in place, you should write to his solicitors immediately to say that contact is being suspended by you, and then make a formal application for suspension. He can, of course, make an application for enforcement of the order so it's important that you get your application infirst.

The only problem I can see is that your ds is of an age where the court may well say that he's capable of refusing foods containing nuts.

Would he go into anaphylactic shock if he ate food which had been prepared with the same equipment as food containing nuts, or only if he directly ingests nuts? If the former, then your case would be stronger. If not, then the court may well have the view that he's old and intelligent enough to ask in restaurants before ordering a particular dish. all depends on how severe the allergy is.

he's capable of refusing foods containing nuts.

but is he actually capable of doing that in the presence of what sounds like a very domineering father? Would the judge take this aspect into account?

AS a mum, you must ALWAYS do what you feel is in the childs' best interests. If it was anyone other than your ds father endangering his life would you let him go anywhere with them?

Perhaps solicitor might be able to help, but perhaps a specific issues order might help.

Yes it is abuse of you and your son

IMO court would consider the thoughts and wishes of a 12 year old esp. backed up with medical evidence of the allergic reactions. My 4 year old has just been through a thoughts and wishes process.

Yes, but the allergy issue alone isn't necessarily going to mean that the boy doesn't want to have any contact whatsoever. It's quite possible that he'll say that he wants to still see his dad, but with some safeguards in place.

I would go down the legal safeguards route, hence mentioning the specific issues order, or prohibited steps

Stop all contact and tell the ex to go and fuck himself. Honestly. The court can't do much to you, and there is enough evidence that this man is recklessly endangering his DS for it to be perfectly reasonable behaviour on your part (OK get it backed up by solictors, etc) but tell DS he doesn't have to go and visit his arsehole father any more. Either your XP is one of these ignorant people who genuinely thinks that food allergies are attention-seeking behaviour and that bullying a child into eating the trigger substance is 'for the child's own good' or the man is the kind of sociopathic arsehole who will happily make his child suffer just to show you that he has power and Must Be Taken Notice Of. Either way, he represents a risk to yoru DS and is in fact abusing him so stopping contact is the way to go.

His father is putting his life at risk and damaging his mental and physical health.

Yes, my son is at risk if he eats something that has come into contact with even nut traces. If he even touches nuts externally, he comes out in a rash. The consultant refuses to carry out a challenge test because she says it's too risky and that multiple nut allergies tend to be severe.

I have spoken to a solicitor and he has told me to return to the hospital and get the consultant to send a letter which specifically states that ds is not to be taken into any ethnic restaurants. If the father then takes him into such a place, I can return to court and request a prohibited steps order which should stop him from doing such a thing in the future.

I have told my son to refuse to eat any of the food if he does take him into one of these places, but he is somewhat domineered by the man and I don't know if he'd be able to carry it through.

ds does still want to have contact with his father, but just not to be put at risk. It does frustrate him that none of that side of the family takes the situation seriously and persist in giving him foods with nut warnings on.

I don't know whether he's doing it to 'toughen him up' or harm him to get at me , but his sister suffers from anaphylaxis if she gets stung by a wasp, so you'd think they'd understand.

Perhaps they just don't give a sod or are unbelievably stupid. His mother tried to force me to feed him rice at about 2 months of age and when I refused, she threw ds at me and stormed off, so I think they've all got a screw loose to be honest.

Stop contact immediately

let his father take you to court

It will all come out then, and doctor's reports will be requested

His father will be shown for the prick he is when that happens

honestly, you have nothing to lose by just refusing to make him go

That's really scary. How can you possibly be expected to send your child off with anyone who doesn't take this life threatening condition seriously.

Sorry you are having to cope with this crap. I hope you get the support and strength to deal with it. Protect your son.

Is there someone on your side of the family who is sensible enough to supervise contact without deliberately antagonising XP? Because it's understandable that your DS would like to see his dad, but if there was someone who was a) diplomatic and b) able to stand up to XP and his relatives, that would mean that some contact might be possible (purely for DS benefit as you say he would like to see his dad as long as his dad doesn't try harm him). GIven your XP's behaviour it would be perfectly acceptable to say that he cannot be trusted to have unsupervised contact.

No, contact can't be supervised because his father lives so far away. He comes to collect ds and then returns him at the end of the visit. My dh usually speaks to him if there's any communication that has to take place, but I usually just send messages.

I can stall the next visit, but will have to send him the one after that - hopefully the consultant will have sent a strong enough letter by then and will go to court if he persists with being so reckless.

It is scary sending him, but last time I stopped contact because of this the court objected and said that unless something happens there's not much I can do, they were pretty useless really. The father applied for residence as revenge . That's what happens if I stop contact

oh cripes op. if ex applies for residency then ds' views must be taken into account - he is definitely old enough at 12 for the 'gillick competancy' argument.

I would ask the consultant to make a list of everything specifically that DS's father has to do/not do - including wrappers etc., down to the nitty gritty. He must spell out that if he doesn't follow these instructions he is putting his son's life at risk. I'm no lawyer, but what constitutes child abuse? His father has a duty of care to look after his son when he's in his care. If he flagrantly ignores this, isn't this child abuse?

I have a friend who could be in your situation but she's too frightened to leave her husband because he's just like your ex. He has seen his son (still only 6) being rushed to hospital, but he still doesn't take the situation seriously. His mother is very controlling and poo poos anything like that. Anything his mother says, he believes. He was never shown any love and now doesn't believe in hugs or kisses. She's horrible to him, but he still runs when she clicks her fingers. And he's ruining his family life.

I think you're going to have to train your son to be very strong where this is concerned. Give him a mobile phone and tell him to ring you if he's concerned. If necessary, call the police.

I really feel for you.

And maybe get another solicitor. I can't believe a 12 year old with a serious nut allergy can't have a say in whether he's put in harm's way.

Your ex is using your son's condition to attack you with. Don't let him anywhere your DS. Tell him to go away and come back when he's grown up enough to stop playing silly games to get at you.

It is certainly neglect and probably mental abuse as well. It feels like mental abuse, but I'm used to him being like that, my son is a bit shocked at his behaviour and is beginning to wonder if he even cares about him.

I predicted all this years ago, but cafcass weren't interested. All they care about is coercing resident parents to adhere to their contact orders even if that goes against every parental instinct going

If you block contact they threaten you with a transfer of residence. Whether they would have seriously done that I don't know, but you can't take the risk. ds was only six at the time and I wasn't taking any chances, I only stopped his father seeing him on two occasions due to his lack of concern about this condition.

ilovehens, so sorry for you and your DS.
Your solicitor needs to be a bit more proactive about this - look into having the contact order changed etc.
I can't believe that anyone is so stupid as to say "well nothing has happened yet so we're not going to worry about it" when it might only take ONE happening for it to be fatal. So fucking stupid - reactive rather than proactive.

Just a thought - ask your solicitor to check - if your ex deliberately fed your DS something that he would react to, and your DS had an anaphylactic reaction to it, would that constitute assault? If the worst were to happen (God forbid) - would it be murder? I would be getting the solicitor to write him a letter pointing out these potential outcomes if he persists in ignoring medical instructions.

Holy shit.

My boyfriend is allergic to nuts and most pulses - it's a mild one that just makes him very uncomfortable, but I'm still very careful what I cook and we don;t go to Indian or vegan restaurants. That;s a non-threateningallergy. I do not understand why someone would behave this way with anyone.