How do you deal with a persistent glass half full personality?

[Ormirian]

My mum specifically.

She is so negative. About so many things. My dad is quite like me - generally upbeat, positive person who assumes the best. But mum can make a minor problem into a major disaster - and always someone's fault (usually my dad's }.

Over the years most people have developed a wary relationship with her. She was outrageously rude to my SIL when she and DB first got married - SIL tolerates her now and their relationship improves as it's purely superficial. She hated my dad's entire family (with some reason I must admit). She took a long time to accept DH but once our relationship was a fait accompli she just made the best of it. She meets new people, thinks they are going to be best mates and then gets all intense and when they back off a little she suddenly discovers that actually she doesn't like them at all

She constantly recalls bad things that happened to her decades ago - even things that happened when she a child, but rarely remembers the positive things.

If one of my kids misbehaves it's a sign that he/she is 'naughty' or 'selfish' and she won't hesitate to tell them so. And if they behave well there is often some ulterior motive to their behaviour.
People's motives are often base in my mum's world - she always sees the worst.

Now she has had the shitty end of the stick at times throughout her life. And I love her dearly and do feel quite protective of her, but it is so wearing. To always have to tiptoe round her, play the clown to keep her happy, try to make things as easy as possible for her.

She isn't always like this - she can be good company. I feel so sad for her too. Life is pretty amazing - but she doesn't see it like that.

How do you cope with this?

Obviously I meant 'glass half empty' person

My dad's a bit like this. TBVH I cope by not being around him much I sympathise: it's incredibly draining being round someone who's always seeing the worst - things you'd never even thought of.

Orm,

from the sounds of it your mum has something more than just a "glass half empty" personality. Perhaps Controlling would be more appropriate. You all walk on eggshells around her so that she won't lay into one of you?

What strikes me is that if a MNetter posted exactly what you said, but about their DP, we would all be labelling his behaviour Emotionally Abusive. Sorry, I don't want to hurt you as somehow a Mum is different to a DP...don't ask me how! But in anycase it's a thought.

You could always google E/A and see if you recognise any behaviours. It might not resolve the situation but perhaps help you to understand more?

How was she when you were growing up?

She was insecure, loving (usually), very involved, sometimes bad-tempered. Never thought of her as anything but a good mother but I knew no different.

Problem is she is quite a sad person and I feel so sorry for her.

My mother is a bit like this - like Unprune I mainly cope by avoidance tactics.

I limit how much time I spend on the phone with her and don't always answer the phone when she rings. I also tune out and let a lot of it wash over me when she's droning on and I try and change the subject to something a bit more cheery. Doesn't always work though!

Funny to see this thread title - I was just having a conversation with DD re her determination to always see a half empty glass. I don't know one really deals with it - it's bloody hard work though, I agree. A lot of tongue-biting is involved.

With my dad, it's partly personality and partly cultural (too much unbridled joy makes people suspicious!).
Even his answerphone message makes you feel like you've done something wrong by phoning him.
I don't think I've ever had a compliment from him that hasn't then been qualified by a stinging comment (eg "It's really nice to see that you and [DH] have such a good relationship." followed by "Of course, it's all down to [DH], he's great.").

I didn't have a standard upbringing and on top of that it's caused me a lot of ache to have such negativity as a main influence - but as soon as I left home, I realised it wasn't normal. And what a relief, as well.

But as for helping.....I don't know what to suggest. Could you gently talk to her and say you find it draining - that life really isn't all that bad?

Buy this book. It teaches you to be optimistic. It is a Learned Attitude and can be changed with all sort of benefits.

christmas is coming

It is soooo draining, I have the same issue with my MIL. She complains and worries about so much, so often, that is quite depresses me just how sad and glum her life must be. My DH sees it as she is only happy when she's got something to complain or worry about. She is such a critic of us, of the DCs, we must be a constant disappointment to her. I limit the time we spend with her, try to have visitors round too when she comes to minimise the complaining - or give her someone else to moan to. But it is Very Hard Work.

Thanks everyone.

Ladyblah - I could teach her how to be optimistic if she ever listened . I could buy the book and leave it lying around, I think she'd be very upset if I gave it to her though.

Thing is I can see reasons for her being like this - she has had awful things happen to her - but why do the awful things way more heavily in the balance than the good things?

I love her and she can be good company - usually when someone else is in charge. Funnily enough when my dad was so ill and in hospital. I ended up doing everything for her, sorting things out for her, almost telling her what to do. She was the most happy and easy-going she had ever been.

DB doesn't care for her that much these days - which is sad but I don't really blame him.

Gosh, I know someone very similar. A good soul who you'd love to make happy, but she just goes off in panics about things - usually when she feels out of control - in fact I think she gets more apocalyptic about small stuff than about major problems, and gets over-excited about everyone else's shortcomings whether they affect her or not. I think in the end all you can do is exactly what you are doing, but try not to let it get to you. It is not your responsibility to make her happy, indeed it is not possible for you to do so as happiness comes from within. You can only behave like a loving, considerate daughter and accept that sometimes she'll get upset for reasons that are not your fault and you can't do anything about.

I expect she married your father precisely because he's an optimistic, easy-going counter to her negativity, and she does the worrying for both of them! I dare say he takes the blame with a smile (or raised eyebrows at least) because he knows what she's like. Imagine if she'd married someone like herself, they'd be grumbling and sniping to and about each other the whole time.

It's difficult when it's your parent as they either do, or believe they should have, a hand in your children's upbringing, but I think you have to be firm when she's going on about your DCs' behaviour. Either refuse to listen if she's saying it to you, or call her if she's saying it to them. I used to put the phone down when the conversation turned to "well of course you have to accept that your children are the worst behaved little brats I've ever come across" (they really weren't!), and she eventually got the message; now the DCs are grown-up they get on fine with her and she tells everyone how great they are. But then, it wasn't my mother, a different dynamic I know.

My dh is like this too. He clings to the bad things that have happened, some over 30 years ago. It's like he nurses them to keep them alive and current, so he can whine winge be emotional about stuff. Nothing fades into the past.

On the other hand, it would seem that no good thing has ever happened to him. Or if it did, it wasn't good for very long, or it had strings attached and therefore didn't actually happen in the end.

He's hard work. I tend to let him maunder on and occupy my mind with other thoughts while I "mmm" at him almost sympathetically.

God I'm a bitch.

jux - being married to someone like that would drain me completely. How do you do it ?

Ahhh now I understand about your SIL reality! I tolerate mum because I love her and she's my mum. I would really really struggle if she wasn't.

annie - my DC have already learned to 'make allowances' now I am not sure if that is a good thing or not. I'd rather they had a straightforward relationship with their grandmother but they seem to have innate understanding that is just how granny is. I protect DS2 better than I did DD - I was a bit taken aback when she started to critisise DD as she hadn't with DS1 so I didn't quite know what to say. I know better now.

Bad luck OP. The first thing you can do is accept that you are powerless to change your mum. But you can let her know through the way you speak to her that her negativity is a choice and you can also let her know the way that her choices impact on you (wouldn't bother bringing others into it).

E.g. if one of your DC's misbehaves and she says they are selfish, you can simply state to her that, of course, they can be selfish at times like any kid, but that you're pleased that they're learning about what acceptable behaviour is as they grow up. You can also tell your mother that it upsets you to hear her label her grandchildren like this. The big challenge is then not to get into an argument - simply let her know how she has made you feel and then leave it (no matter how much she might try and get a rise).

People like this are always very challenging because they can generally justify their negative comments quite easily, so there is no value in getting into an argument. Simply better to state something along the lines of 'well, I think I'd find life a real chore if I chose to see everything in that light'. It really is about ramming home that the way we see things is often a choice and hoping that over time a person can recognise this and change accordingly. No guarantee that this will work though. Sorry. Really good luck with it though.

Just laugh at her! She may take things seriously but it doesn't mean that you have to. Live your life on your terms, not hers.

Do you think that she would take the hint if you started calling her eeyore?

I warn you: my brother and I took to laughing (nicely!) at my dad and he took it VERY BADLY INDEED.

My (late) MIL was like that. The song she hated most was 'I'm so glad' DH used to play it when he lived at home just to annoy her I think.

I used to laugh at her and tease her as she used to talk about someone saying 'so and so means well.....', and there was always this non-expressed 'but' hanging there, unsaid. Eventually she used to start laughing too.

Sadly, not very long before she died she told me that she had been sexually abused by an elder brother who died in his 20s of tb, and was instantly canonised by her mother.

I think when people dwell on previous unpleasant experiences in their lives, for the most part, it's because they haven't dealt with them and they keep resurfacing. A bit like a very mild form of ptsd, but without the flashbacks. Then again, there are those miserable bastards who just keep harping on about stuff.......

Feelings cant be controlled, if your mother wont have counselling i suggest you do, neither of you she force or control the other, good luck! Personally i find 100 percent positive people are often people with denial problems, normal people are happy and sad when appropriate!

100% positive people are fakes, I agree.
Very damaging as well.

ExH was like this, it drained me completely. No idea how to deal with it other than by distancing yourself

Should not she, oops, totally agree past trauma is usually the cause of negativity as that is what the world taught them bad stuff, hence the helpful warnings in their view!

If you keep going over bad events you help keep them alive though. A healthy response to an adverse event is to get upset about it and then accept it as part of your past. Continually dragging it into the present again doesn't help you move forward.
I couldn't live with someone who was persistently negative.
If someone I was close to was like this I would suggest they saw a psychologist for cognitive behaviour therapy.
Being Pollyannaish about everything can be just as irritating, but persistently miserable people should be helped to see that we all choose which events we focus on and think about and that dwelling on negative stuff will make us miserable, rather than the negative events being the cause of our misery.

Orm- you have described my dad too a T. I'm afraid the only way we can now deal with it is to let it wash over us. I got so upset, and it had to stop. Unfortunately this distancing happens when he is in trouble or not.

My mum coped by divorcing him after 25yrs of trying to jolly him up, and she is now loving life!

Sorry, door went. I sort counselling about it all, as his behavior contributed to me getting pnd. The conclusion was that he was the one needing counseling, and my depression was an understandable response to multiple problems.

I guess what I'm trying to sayto you is love rem, but from a distance. I tried to parent him and change him and only damaged myself and my own family. He will never change, he thrives on misery and only being miserable to dsis and I, so we are the ones who have to move on.

It hurts though, sorry you are dealing with it.