Lifestyle differences

[Antalya1]

Just wondering if this is me, but does anyone else feel uneasy with a lifestyle/salary difference when you meet someone later in life.

My thoughts are that once you reach a certain stage in life, children growing etc. any lifestyle differences are bound to cause issues/resentments.

Does it matter more to women than men or vice versa? I've been told by male friends that it's more of a hang-up for women if there partner earns a much higher wage.

Are women to proud and independent now to allow the man to pay for everything even if they can't afford to return the compliment often?...or just to proud and fearful of being perceived as a 'taker'

Just for the record, I am the lower salary earner...by a HUGE amount, and it leaves me feeling very uneasy and a potential deal breaker.

Any thoughts/experiences?

Having been through mediation to settle things financially when divorcing, and seeing everything you had together split 50/50, i now want to protect everything i have for mine and my kids future. As a single mum i wouldn't risk my current financial security (which is mainly tied up in my house) by marrying a man who didn't have an equal amoutn to offer. And i would run a mile from anyone in debt.

I think you've hit the nail on the head when you describe it as a lifestyle difference. This is so dependent on income but quite hard to change if you're used to a particular way of doing things.

To give a very flippant example - If one person's idea of a great holiday is a weekend camping locally, and another's is a fortnight in a 5 star hotel in Barbados, it could eventually present an issue if one partner can't afford to meet the expectations of the other.

I think it's probably something you have to work out early on to avoid any misunderstanding or resentment on either side. It might be that he wants to live a certain way, and is happy to subsidise you to do the same, in which case it's down to how you feel about being subsidised, and whether you're outside your comfort zone.

To make it work I think you need to reach a compromise where you're both happy, neither of you is in financial difficulties and your needs are being met. I doubt incomes are equal in any partnership, but it doesn't necessarily need to be a dealbreaker.

We had a similar issue when I first met DH.

We met online, & one of the criteria in my advert was salary. I'm not materialistic (and judge as you will for this) but my ad was adjusted after receiving responses from men in lower salary jobs who frankly failed to understand my work ethic - ie work 50-60 hours even though I'm paid for 40. I added the salary banding to make it clear I wanted a partner with a similar career/lifestyle choice.

Enter DH who, bless him, works longer hours than me for about a third of the salary, such is his industry. At first it was a real issue - he wanted to pay for dates etc, and felt awkward if he thought I was compromising or paying more than my fair share

I think the key, as fruitshoot said, is communication. Since getting married & having DS, we both pay for essentials as best we can and share the left overs on treats for 'Us'. As long as we have a budget for nights out etc, he's happy that he's contributing and I'm happy that I can save for our future.

(That being said, as much as I love him, the house is in my name. Once burnt and all that...)

what happened to unconditional love? Glad that I met DW when we were both poor students. I earn much more than she does cos she works professional part time to help with the kids......when you are partners then everything is joint.

TDaDa...I sort of think the same way as you, if I was the higher salary earner it wouldn't be a problem for me, but I know that one of issues is pride, I honestly don't think that it is an issue for him.

Unfortunatly I can only go on past experiences and my ex was as tight as they come, even though he earned double my salary, I still paid for everthing(household wise) and if I didn't have the money to pay for my half when we went out, we just didn't go!!

I think it's difficult to generalise. I would feel uncomfortable if I couldn't pay my way most of the time in the situation you describe. Think it's different if you get together young and everything goes in the communal pot and you have children together (which often impacts on at least one person's earning capacity).

I see a lot of 30s professional women earning more than their boyfriends and I think that sometimes causes problems. Must say I have never heard a man complaining that his girlfriend / wife does not earn enough (not willing to work / work longer hours maybe) but I have heard a number of women say they couldn't do such and such with their boyfriend because he couldn't afford it, in that situation most men I know would probably just pick up the bulk of the bill.

is it because the expectation is that the man will still be the provider though, so regardless of whether you get together when you're young or later in life, if the man is earning less than the women (or he becomes the stay at home parent) he feels emasculated and she feels embittered because that is the opposite to socity's expectations of them as a couple?

I work in theatre and always assumed I'd end up with someone in the same field so we'd always struggle on a pittance together. I ended up falling for a Software Developer which is the reason I'm the stay at home parent (although not out of choice, DH provides for our family in the traditional sense but he also financially, emotionally and as a caregiver supports me following my as-yet-unpaying-career), as opposed to it being because I'm the mother. Though I'm not convinced if I was the higher earner DH would want to stay at home, and I know couples where despite the mother being the higher earner, she is the one who has reduced hours or not gone back to work following children because the father wants to provide for his family.

The men I know that have adjusted their working hours to care for their children aren't emasculated, they're successful because they have risen to a point in their career where they have a choice to balance work and parenting without worrying what others may think.

The only bitter women I've seen are those that work the double shift, taking on serious responsibilities at work and then going home to also take on the lion's share of the domestic role.

But do men feel resentful that have to pay for the lions share?