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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HAVE I ANY HOPE LEFT?

26 replies

phoenix2 · 03/11/2010 12:33

Hi all this is my first time on here. My problem/s is this. I have a 12 yr old from a previous relationship. I am with my partner for 9 years and we have a 2yr old and i am currently 39+4 wks pregnant. I have been struggling to handle my partners behviour for a long time now. He used to be great but changed over the past couple of years. He can cold, critical, selfish, unreasonable, tight with money, and quick tempered. But your typical jekyl and hyde. He is an amzing dad to our toddler but treats my older child like absolte crap and can be downright cruel (they had a great relationship until we had our own child) Like all 12 yr olds she is not perfect but he only accepts perfection it seems. Bad manners, illness, laziness, poor eating are not acceptable to him. And she can be all of these things from time to time.
I spend my life buffering bwtween the two of them and feel i have to try and protect her (she is very lacking in confidence) We went for counselling a few months back and it was a disaster - the counsellor was ridiculous and didn't seem to understand the emotional abuse i have been going through. Then last wk he was diagnosed with a progressive liver disease so of course this has made everything much worse. I have heard that liver and bad moods are connected so on one level i thought maybe at last i had found a reason for this behaviour. I have tried to help him all i can but dont know how much more i can take. He is so cruel to my daughter (example he would just walk into her room while she is reading in bed and turn off the light and close the door),The sheer nastiness is hard to describe .Its like walking a tightrope. I have tried to break up with him in the past but he simply says hes not going and tells me i am talking crap. I own our home. He has a few houses he could move into if he needed to so its not like he would be homeless.
What do i do?I feel i cant cope with anymore but feel so helpless to do anything about it. I dread going into labour. He will be there are support me on the surface but there is no affection, no tenderness, no patience etc etc Sorry for long story!

OP posts:
BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster · 03/11/2010 12:36

I wouldn't have a man like this in my house if this was how he treated my son. He sounds like a bully. You should contact Womens Aid for some advice. Do you have the number?

BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster · 03/11/2010 12:37

www.womensaid.org.uk

mrsruffallo · 03/11/2010 12:41

Your poor dd1. You have to choose between him and her . I know which one I would choose

CakeCuresAll · 03/11/2010 12:44

I second the WA advice.

Please don't stand for this.

Don't validate this type of relationship in your daughters eyes.

Hope you're ok ((((HUGS)))))

stillbobbysgirl · 03/11/2010 12:49

You set the example to your daughter as to how women should be treated.

Why would you allow a man to mistreat your child? Your priority is to your child NOT your husband.

Illness is NO EXCUSE - he needs to shape up or ship out.

cestlavielife · 03/11/2010 13:01

sorri but you need to pur your daughter first. he has to go -ill or not.

what other support do you have for labour, hospital and dealing with newborn plus 2?
family? friends?
you are going to need them...

sunbeam85 · 03/11/2010 13:17

Hi there,

I'm really sorry to hear how your P has been treating you. Sad

Think how difficult it must be for your daughter - you are unhappy with this man, but you have the power to get him out of your life. Your daughter does not. I think you need to tell him where to go to be completely honest.

I think the suggestions to call WA are good ones - they will be able to give advice on your next steps.

Good luck, you can do this.

Doha · 03/11/2010 13:49

Sorry regardless wheither this man is ill or not his behaviour to your DD is awful.

I feel so sorry for her.

There is no compromise here You really have to put her first and leave. NOW

Is there someone else more supportive for you to have as a birthing partner? I wouldn't have this man within a mile of me while in labour.

macdoodle · 03/11/2010 13:54

Why are you letting this man abuse your daughter?? I cannot imagine any reason whatsoever I would let anyone treat my child like that (and I have been in an abusive relationship)!

catinthehat2 · 03/11/2010 13:55

Hold on - OP owns the house. Would be nice if he left, not her. I've no idea how that can be brought about, but I'm sure someone does....

cestlavielife · 03/11/2010 14:45

you need to get legal advice.
if you own the house outright and his name is not on any mortgage, deeds, then you jsut change the locks and pack his bags. as you say he has somewhere to go.

if he has name on mortgage or deeds then is more difficult.

Original poster
phoenix2 · 03/11/2010 15:28

Wow your responses are pretty unanimous. You are right i do have to make a choice between my beautiful DD and this bully. I feel so awful about having allowed him treat us like this for soo long. I feel like i have buried my head in the sand and have begun to think this is normal. Of course he is nice alot of the time but there is a blow up from him at least once a week.
He is tricky to handle - as i said he is well capable of just telling me he is not going. I have packed his bags b4 and left them in his car and he simply carried them back in and said he wasn't going. I will contact womens aid for advice and maybe i need to get his family involved. His dad is the only person he has any respect for/ fear of.
Thank you all.

OP posts:
SparklingExplosionGoldBrass · 03/11/2010 15:30

As cestlavie says, check your legal position WRT house ownership and if he doesn't have his name on it, tell him to pack and leave. If he won't go, call the police to remove him. You can do this legally if you own the house outright. Even if he has a share in the mortgage, the fact that he bullies your DD means you can force him out of the house though it will take longer: however if he becomes really aggressive while the process is ongoing, he can still (literally if need be) be dragged out of the house by the police. He is not all powerful. A bully cannot bully children in their own home and be allowed to get away with it indefinitely.

Tootlesmummy · 03/11/2010 15:32

I'd also change the locks, that way he can't just walk back in. He sounds like a really nasty person and you're right you need to take steps to look after yourself and your children.

Original poster
phoenix2 · 03/11/2010 15:40

I own the house outright - his name isn't on the mortgage or deeds. He moved into a ready made home with me and my DD. Never even had to buy a piece of furniture. God i feel such a fool.
I am going to get this baby safely delivered and am going to try and tackle this situation as soon as i am able after that. Hopefully by christmas he will be long gone.
He is going to put up a major fight though. I have so little confidence at this stage i have no idea how i am going to handle him - but i have to try..

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 03/11/2010 15:56

you can go to a solicitor and put a case forward for an injunction, that why he will be removed from the house and you can change the locks, not ideal but an option if he just tells you to sod off he is not going, if you own the house and he is abusive the law is on your side, but like you said get your baby safely into this world and sort it out when you have recovered from that, good luck

cestlavielife · 03/11/2010 15:56

he has no right to be there then if you dont wish it....

and the abuse of your dd is enough reason to get him out.

he will of course still have contact with "his and yours" children - think about how that might work...

you need to speak to womens aid and you need real life friends to support you.

if there is a risk he will be angry/violent then enlist police dv unit support.

oh and if he threatens court - let him. getting a first hearing usually takes 3 months or so so would give you plenty time to speak to solicitor etc.

fairymist · 03/11/2010 16:25

Typically bully behaviour putting his stuff back in house and doing exactly what he wants to suit him. Thank goodness it is your house and he will have to leave.

SparklingExplosionGoldBrass · 03/11/2010 18:09

Honestly, as he has no legal rights to the house and somewhere to go, you can call the police and have him removed tonight. I appreciate that this is probably too big and scary a step to take for you right now but it may help to know that actually you could do it. He has been abusive to your DD and refused to leave when you told him to go, so he doesn't havea leg to stand on. WHATEVER he says, you can get him out of the house and have an injunction forbidding him to return, simply because it's your house and he has no legal right to be there if you don't want him there.

phipps · 03/11/2010 18:12

Why wait until Christmas?

Do it now. Whatever your reason for waiting your DD will think she doesn't come first and you don' care enough about her.

Doha · 03/11/2010 18:38

Phipps OP is 39+4 days pregnant. She needs to have this baby, which could arrive any moment,and then deal with her H.

She does not need any more additional stress in the next few weeks.

SparklingExplosionGoldBrass · 03/11/2010 18:42

AH, I also missed quite how PG Phoenix is.
Good luck with the birth Phoenix. Is there someone coming to stay with your DD, such as your mum or a friend?

atswimtwolengths · 03/11/2010 18:57

God, I would rip a man in pieces if he treated my daughter like this.

Are you leaving her alone with him when you are in hospital? I wouldn't be happy with this.

I know it will be difficult, but you really need to stop him living in your home with your daughter - it's just unacceptable that she should feel like this in her own home.

I would go to see a solicitor now, before the new baby is born, and see what they say you can do. I would have had the locks changed long ago - you really need to act fast and tell your daughter that you won't tolerate anyone treating her badly.

It would be best to speak to his dad now, but don't let him persuade you to let him stay.

phipps · 03/11/2010 19:34

Doha, I am well aware of how pregnant she is.

trinni · 03/11/2010 21:54

Outrageous that he can be allowed to invade your daughter's privacy and cause her to feel so helpless in her own home. She must be utterly miserable and frustrated, poor, poor child.

I appreciate things are difficult with the imminent arrival of a baby but PLEASE get rid of this vile bloke at your earliest convenience. SHE is your priority - not him, not ever.