So my instincts were right and now I am crumbling

[FeelSoLost]

Firstly, please if you recognise me don't out me. I think people in RL know my proper chat name on here and I don't feel able to post under it.

3 months ago I discovered my husband had been having, at the very least, and emotional affair. He said it was over etc, yadda yadda yadda. We tried to work through it. dd was only 9 weeks old at the time (we have a lot more than one)

Then about 2 weeks ago I found bits to a new phone set up (empty sim card pack, end off a new phone box with the IMEI number on it and a top up swipe card). I confronted him about it, he said firstly it was off an old phone then a few hours later said he might have found it at work. I didn't believe him. He went to live at his parents for a week to give me some space. He came back sunday night but said he didn't know how he felt about me or if he wanted to be with me anymore anyway.

During that time he was away, I did some digging (underhand tactics I daresay it should be called) and found out the phone number. I tried ringing it a couple of times. Turned off. Then monday when he was here, he disappeared off to the toilet. Gone over 20 minutes. So I tried ringing it...it rang...and he answered it.. I didn't say anything and eventually he hung up. Monday night he decides he does love me and wants to make it work. I brushed him off.

Then yesterday morning he was acting all weird, trying to get out to the car all the time without me seeing. Even when i sent him on the school run he snuck round the back of the house and I caught him rifling through the boot. (all his stuff is still in there from before) So while he was on the school run, I went and found the spare car key. I had a route around but could only find the charger to a phone which was the same make as the stuff I had found the other week. I left it there. Then I rang the phone company. I had made a note of all the numbers I had before I confronted him with them. I registered the phone in a fake name and with a passcode for the account, then while he was on the afternoon school run I rang up and with my new fake details, told them that my daughter had been using my phone and could they give me the last months usage breakdown....one number... text, after text after text. Day after day after day. Some from that morning. The same number as he was contunously texting the first time he got found out. So I rang him while he was on the school run and told him that when he gets home, to not say a word to me, to pack his bags and to go cos I knew everything.

I rang the OW (who pleaded with me last time that it she was sorry and she had tried to get too close to him and shouldn't have tried to kiss him) and she hung up on me. When it came to leaving yesterday, H started crying and trying to tell me he loves me, that I am the most important thing to him (whatever!!...). I have told him it's too late. He wanted to come back last night to talk but I said no way. (mil text me late last night to say he had turned up there to stay so at least he's not gone running to her, depending on where he had been before that of course!)

We are still going to our counselling session tonight as it's already paid for, and I suppose at least it will be neutral territory. I don't think I will believe a word that comes out of his mouth anyway. I don't care if they are still only just friends or if they slept together, at the end of the day, he has lied. Over and over. Considering it was supposed to be over, he went out of his way to stay in touch with her.

I am not sure I can be strong though. I have lost 11lb in weight since a week last sunday. I can't sleep, anything I do eat goes straight through me. The baby is only a few months old now. The others are taking it all very well considering. I don't know what to do. How can I look after this many kids on my own?!....

Just want to say I'm so so sorry, I know exactly what you're going through. My kids have made me strong, just knowing they rely on me is enough to get me up in the morning ( and half a dozen times a night with baby) and face another day. We don't deserve to be put through this but we have more people on our side than we know. Sending you big hugs ((((hug))) x x

X did similar when I was pregnant.

3 DC (6 and under, the youngest under a year) and one on the way -very daunting to face the future alone alone. With no family and few friends, I nearly lost my resolve time and again, but didn't.

I am so glad I ended the relationship he'd made untenable. Now, a few yeas later, mine and my four DC's lives have changed so much for the better, as will yours.

A cheating arse is dead weight in an otherwise happy and stable family. You and your (many ) DC deserve so, so much better.

Much love to you, stay strong.

5 and under

I understand how you feel another one with a H who done the same thing. H left after I discovered his affair when youngest dc of three was 6 weeks old. Few months later while trying to sort things out and him wanting to come back found the other phone and all the text messages were there for me to see.

I know how you feel but you sound strong and you will get through it. One day at a time and your DC will help. He isn't worth the energy or the pain. Family (if they are close by) and friends will want to help out - let them.

Practical things, yes go to see a solicitor or CAB. Not knowing your money/personal situation maybe even a phone call to the Job centre to see if there anything you are now entitled to.

You will have days where you want to cry, scream and shout - let it out. The gut wrenching feeling every morning when you wake up and realise whats happening again will fade.

One day in the future you wont feel this way anymore I promise. I look back now (was almost 2 years ago) and feel like a different person.

Be strong and lots of love to you and your DC

FeelSoLost - I'm so sorry to read your thread, my H and I separated just over a year ago due to an affair, he convinced me it was over and needed some space and it turned out that it never ended, I finally began divorce proceedings in April. You sound so strong, how did the counseling go?

Hi all. Sorry things got really busy here and I didn't have chance to come back and post.

Counselling was really really hard. I spent most of it in tears. We pinpointed that things started taking a turn for the worst between us about 20 months ago when we had a traumatic event (can't really say otherwise it will give me away as such) in which I was involved. H revealed at the counselling that he felt pushed out at the time. I didn't realise he had felt like this. He didn't realise either that I needed more support at the time. Classic wires crossed /protection/defence scenario. We never talked about it even though I tried and he refused in case it upset me. So he sought to talk elsewhere I suppose.

This 'affair' wasn't mentioned much last night, we ran out of time, and it was all pretty much focussed on me and this event that happened. The counsellor did ask him about it briefly. He insisted with the counsellor that it was just friendship, and said that she had rung him on tuesday, saying I had been texting her and left a message on her answerphone (which i did i admit...I just wanted to know what she had to say) She apparently told him that it wasn't worth the hassle anymore, and he told her that I am more important to him anyway so it's all to end. But as ever, I am not inclined to believe anything at the moment. I don't know what to think.

So I felt so drained after. He dropped me off here and left 10 minutes later. Neither of us really knew what to say. He text later on saying that he was sorry he left so soon, but things felt awkward and that he realised a few things at counselling that have shocked him really. Well good I say! I think he is realising now that he is standing to lose absolutely everything...

He is coming round later to help with the kids because I said I need some space to think as well without having to wrry about what needs doing next in the house. He's got all the time in the world to reflect while living at his mums, I still have the kids to look after and a house to run. He admitted that wasn't very fair on me.

I don't really feel any different about him after the counselling. Though I am glad it is at least making him think about things.

Aagh...

Did it come out in the counselling that he had used the traumatic incident as part of his defence story when you first uncovered his infidelity in the summer? That he accused you of having an affair with someone connected to this incident?

How in God's name you can get through an hour of counselling when the most pressing and urgent thing going on (the affair) doesn't get addressed properly, is a source of constant amazement to me. And that's not directed at you, but the counsellor. I think a lot of counsellors would rather talk about anything but infidelity, because it scares them. Plus, they have erroneous beliefs that something "in the relationship" must have caused it, rather than "something in the person" who is seated right in front of them.

Also amazed that you chucked him out, had a counselling session on the same day and it didn't come up . It doesn't sound like your counsellor is helping much tbh.

Are you thinking about trying again OP?

Counsellor said she wanted to start at the beginning of where it started to go wrong, which was then. Yes it came up that he uses it against me. He said he gets defensive when I quiestion him so lashes out with it. The counsellor asked him what he would be better off doing rather than just lashing out at me with hurtful and untrue rumours. He said he needs to keep it in and stop it.

Sue it was only our first proper session. Starting at the beginning I suppose.

I asked H if he wants to go again (he has always been very anti counselling) and he said yes, that it is helping him understand things more and what he has done wrong so i was surprised really!

Your post really worries me, OP. It's sounding to me as though your resolve is very much weakening, all the while you are still being lied to and don't have the full picture.

I picked up on something in your first post this morning. I think you are putting some store that he is now telling the truth by the fact that he knows you called the OW. That this somehow proves that he did indeed speak to her, as he told you he had.

But that proves nothing. I'm bloody sure he did speak to her, because your detective work had resulted in the shit hitting the fan yet again.

And stretching the realms of probability, what if she did say this was all too much hassle and agreed it had to end? That means that she is controlling the fidelity in your relationship, not him. If she backs off now, how does that make it alright?

I understand the counsellor's desire to start from the beginning and I'm glad his counter-attacks were exposed, but I'd be wary of a hypothesis from the counsellor that there must have been issues in the marriage for this tissue of lies and infidelity to occur. Lest there be any misunderstanding, on many occasions, affairs are the result of problems in the relationship but it is a dangerous hypothesis to conclude that this is always the case.

And the reason I have huge problems with this approach is that it leaves women like you thinking that they have somehow contributed to the hell in which they are immersed.

Plus, your H's behaviour and cruelty throughout this whole sorry saga point further away from a good man who had an affair, to an awful abusive individual who wouldn't give his wife support after a traumatic event, wouldn't talk to her about it and instead responded by having an affair when she was pregnant, continuing that deceit right up until the time you discovered the second phone.

I don't know who you are OP but I will say that the only way you can continue in a couple relationship with this man is to accept that he will have affairs. This may well be what he wants you to do.
I am not in the least suggesting that acceptance is what you should aim for, more that the choice, with a person who has breached monogamy more than once, is accept that monogamy is not going to form part of the relationship, or end the relationship. There is no magic button that can enforce monogamy on someone who does not want to be monogamous, and the hunt for that magic button is incredibly debilitating.

WWIFN. My resolve is not weakening I don't think. I just want closure either way. I just need things straight in my head before I can make any concrete decisions.

I wonder if counselling is helping him to understand or is it helping him to find justification in hindsight?

I suppose in my (life, not professional!) experience, it is rare for anyone previously 'anti-counselling' to take to it like a duck to water after just one session...

Yes Bast this is what's bothering me too. A man with a huge sense of entitlement might misinterpret the calm, neutral counsellor's approach of unpicking what led up to this, as ample justification for his behaviour.

Glad to read you're not weakening, OP but I'd rather you had some solo counselling to detach from this man, than fruitless couples counselling with a man you say you want to leave. I had hoped the session last night would focus on helping you to part well and forge a reasonably amicable co-parenting relationship, not to analyse why the relationship broke down - and especially not to find reasons for why he chose to be unfaithful and lie about it, even now.