Is a mothers love really unconditional?

[ess]

The reason I ask is my mum and me have always had a volatile relationship- she is an alcoholic with an addictive/violent personality. We havent had contact for 2 years now, she didnt come to my wedding after a relatively minor falling out and doesnt even know about DD. Since having DD I am finding it even harder to understand how a mother can just cut her child off like this. I look at my gorgeous DD and find it impossible to comprehend how anything she ever did would make me stop loving her. Any thoughts please?

For some people, it is unconditional. With people who have substance abuse issues, however, the only thing they care about unconditionally is whatever it is they're addicted to.

Sad, but true.

agree with expat.

In answer to your question in your heading I would say no if such people are dysfunctional for whatever reasons. Such people put conditions on their love. In "normal" families a mother's love along with that of the other parent is (should be) unconditional.

Would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. It has a section in it about alcoholic parents and may help you find a way forward.

ess - my thoughts when I have time. Have a look at my thread 'v sad atm - parents'. Not a substance abuse situation but I have the same question as you. Sympathies

ess, my mother was an alcoholic too so I really do understand where you're coming from. While I personally do not believe in unconditional love (I think there are some things a person can do that are beyond the pale and will destroy the strongest love), when a child is small and innocent it is a parent's job to provide everything that little person needs, and love comes top of the list. I certainly didn't get love that was useful to me from my mother, in fact she taught me to gravitate towards needy and selfish people, which made my first decade of adulthood hellish until I had therapy to understand my choices. She also inflicted so much physical and mental abuse on me that I gave up a much-longed-for education and got a job in a factory at 16 to be able to leave home. I am now in a position where I am moving house to make my own 16 - year old happy so that she will stay in school. I certainly have very little comprehension of my mother's behaviour, all I can see is that she couldn't handle her life. All the same I can't understand why three innocent children had to be abused because of that.

Would like to second the suggestion of reading Toxic Parents. It's a great book and Susan Forward has enormous understanding of the longstanding damage these parents inflict, affecting their children into their adult lives.

My advice would be to get therapy for yourself if this feels like a terrible burden. Don't waste any more precious days of your life suffering the effects. My only regret about the therapy I went through to help me recover from my mother is that I waited till I was in my 30s to do it. I wish I'd done it years before and had happy 20s as well as 30s and now 40s.

Ess, I bet you that when she is sober and reflects on life, at that moment she does love you unconditionally, then her sickness takes over, she has a drink and all of a sudden, her feelings and emotions are clouded. She is ill, but when she is not drunk, then yes, she loves you unconditionally.

I think mothers do love their children unconditionally but some are unable to show or enact this

I agree that for the most part parents love "unconditionally". When substance abuse is involved it's an entirely different kettle of fish.

My mother is also an alchoholic. My upbringing was horrendous, I was abused (mentally and physically) and to this day both parents deny that there was/is a problem. They say I am crazy, have made it up and if I am to speak with them again I need to shut up about my issues as they believe I had a perfect childhood. The unfairness of it ate away at me for a long time.

I recently read the book Toxic Parents which really helped.

I don't think you ever get over losing a parent this way. Just take consolation in the fact that you can love your child unconditionally!

My dad was an alcoholic too, whilst I don't think he didn't love me as such, he was too numbed out and his brain too pickeld for any love to get past the anger / hurt whatever it was. He was very abusive and violent, like someone else said, made the first decade of adulthood hellish. Still affetcs me tbh, but not anything like as much.

You have to find a way to break away from this sort of parent. I was lucky, Dad is now dry (and Mum who was just as cruel has beaten her depression). But until that happens, you need to stay away as much as you can. Because this sn't your parent, it's just a craving on legs with a face you (unfortuanrely) probably love.

Thanks so much for the advice and kind words- will definately be reading that book. Don't think I need counselling as such- it doeasnt eat away at me all the time- just find it difficult to comprehend.
I did talk to my dad about this for the first time recently and he just said he wasnt aware things were that bad(was he blind?!). Think he feels ashamed that he didnt do anything to stop the abuse.
I think we just have to accept that some people are too ill to be capable of showing real unconditional love and that they are to be pitied for it- they usually end up being very lonely-I know my mum is. Just terrifies me that I will be the same with DD although I know deep down that wouldn't happen.