Difficult situation

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I posted a thread a week or so ago but in chat and have lost it now so will start from the beginning...

Have been married 8 yrs, have 2 DCs. I very much want another child and DH doesnt.

DH said he wanted to stick at 2 before DC2 was born. After DC2 was born (nearly 3 years ago now) we spoke about it again. DH said one of the main reasons he didnt want to was financial. We spoke about him getting the snip and I said quite clearly that if DH was 100% certain he would never want more then he should get the snip doen asap to put an end to the topic.
He didnt. About 7 months ago we had our last big chat about it. I queried why he hadnt had the snip done and also put forward that we were in a better financial position now. He said he still hadnt changed his mind and would get the snip done asap.

He still hasnt done anything about the snip.
About a week and a half ago we had sex and DH didnt use a condom. I wondered about this as usually he is very cautious about contraception. When it happened again a few days later I knew I had to talk to DH about it to find out what was going on.
When we conceived DC2, this was exactly how he behaved. He just became slacker and slacker about contraception and then was happy when DC2 came along.
I waited for the right moment and this came a few days ago. We were talking about regrets. DH said that he has no regrets about anything, even if he did somethung now that he didnt feel like doing he wouldnt regret it later. I seized the opportunity and said to him that what if in later years my one big regret was not having another child. IIf he knows that he wouldnt feel regret, then would this change his mind about having another child? He said yes, it does make him change his mind.
I read this as a clear sign that he was changing his mind.
We had sex again on Friday with no condoms.

Last night DH said he wanted to talk to me. He said he was worried he had given me the 'wrong idea'. He says that he was slaack with contraception because he thought iit was the wrong time of the monnth to get pregnant (like he is an expert!) and it was a mistake.
The conversation we had was 'hypothetical'

I am devastated. I have been struggling to come to terms with not having another DC for months and months now. i've been quite unhapy and haave been trying so hard to focus on other things to take my mind off it.
I feel so let down and just so sad. I'm back to square one. Dont knoe how to move on from here.
I've felt so happy in the last week. DH commented on how affectiionate I was. I hadnt actually realised how withdrawn into myself I had become with my unhappiness and in the last week it was so nice to feel happy again.

DH is devastated at giving me the wrong idea. He's been upset today at how upset I've been.
I suggested counselling for us - he said fine. Will that help?

I cant think what else to do. help....

Bump

Aw, sorry you've had no replies. I think that counselling would be a good idea. It sounds like he is unsure. This is better than being sure he doesn't want a child, I suppose.
Don't have any other clever advice.

If he dodn't want to get you pregnant he shouldn't have had sex without one on. The plonker. You can get pregnant any time of your cycle. I would be upset too. He dosn't know what he wants does he?

I'm just amazed at your lack of communication. When he was about to enter you, without a condom, why didn't you say something then? And if you were carried away in the moment (hard to believe that anyone out of their teens could do that, mind) then why didn't you say something immediately afterwards?

You are both taking such huge risks and at the end you could have a child that he really doesn't want.

Have you had sex since? Did he use a condom?

I get the feeling from your story that, had you not said anything, he would have continued to not use condoms and you would have got pregnant again. I wonder if he wants any pregnancy you have to be "your fault" or sort of against his will/consent/control and your talking about it has reminded him that he was actually doing something that could have led to another child, and that has made him panic a bit.

I'm not putting this very well, I am struggling to explain what I mean. I think I mean - he would be happy with an accident, and was being careless, but now you have pointed out that he was being careless he doesn't feel he can be any more.

I kind of know what you are talking about, I felt very upset at the thought of not having dd2, I already had dd1 when we met and had been together a few years, I felt ready to have another dc and wanted dd1 to have a sibling asap but dh said he wasn't ready, was too young, couldn't afford it, wanted to be sure 100% we would stay together which really upset me at the time.

We did go to counselling and dh (dp then) agreed we could start trying for dd2 in 3 mths time so we did and I was pregnant straight away, it came as a massive shock to him but he is a brilliant dad and so glad we did it.

Sometimes there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I believe couselling is very good for helping you work at your relationship, we felt so much stronger after ours.

It does sound like he is toying with the idea but doesn't want the responsibility of saying yes lets do this.

Counselling sounds a good idea so that resentment doesn't build up. If your DH doesn't want another child then he should use condoms? simple.

I saw your original thread.

Would you consider leaving him to have a bay with someone else?

I saw your original thread, and I can see how disappointed you are now, but also how confused you both are.

At one time I was in a similar-ish situation. My dp and I had decided not to have another baby (all for very logical, sensible reasons), but I was broody (he knew about it) so when we were on holiday and had unprotected sex twice, mid-cycle, I thought that he was 'OK' about an accident. Then when I was late, and said that I might be pregnant he freaked a bit.

We had really mis-communicated. I though the knew I was broody, I thought he knew my cycle, I thought having sex meant a baby was OK by him. He knew he'd been clear about not having another baby, he knew we'd agreed not to have another, he thought that under those circumstances if we had sex then I must have been more aware of what was going on in my own body than he was.

It turned out that I was not pregnant. We would have coped with whatever happened but it did teach me a valuable lesson about communication. Counselling will not reconcile 2 opposing vies but it will help you discuss your expectations. I can see now that I made assumptions based on non-communication, while my dp was making assumptions based on things we had discussed and agreed. I can see now why he was confused by my behaviour and he can now understand that my 'broodiness' was an so strong that it would search for a positive response.

You already have 2 dcs. Please get some counselling and talk this out between you, don't let mis-communication spoil what you already have.

Thank you for the replies.

DH and I have been talking lots. He said he was unsure to start with and then after lots of talking has come round to the idea after all
Think he must have subconsciously been coming round before anyway tbh but freaked out when it was said out loud!

Anywaay, all seems a lot happier now, so fingers crossed for the future with hopefully another baby in it