Triggers for emotional detachment? WWIFN?

[purplehatpipeandboots]

I've been really interested to read WWIFN posts regarding affairs on several threads but didn't want to hijack any of them so thought I'd be brave and start my first thread. Apologies if I get the etiquette wrong.

Until I started reading some of these threads, I subscribed to the idea that 'people in happy marriages don't have affairs'. I now see that this isn't necessarily the case.

It makes perfect sense to me that there are definite early stages to having an affair - e.g. emotional detachment. But I'm less clear on what triggers this desire to detach? If the affair itself or the conscious desire to have an affair comes later, what happens to trigger this emotional detachment? Does that make sense?

I mean where does the urge to re-engineer your relationship to make cheating possible come from? I don't really understand how a person goes from (a) happy and content in a relationship to (b) withdrawing / actively changing the situation to make infidelity a 'permissable' option.

I don't think I've explained that very well - hope someone knows what I'm trying to get at!

Really not trying to be confrontational btw, just genuinely don't understand that 'bit' of the process which otherwise seems bang on the money (I've been there).

I'm not sure how possible it is to be accurate about the mechanics of an affair if you are someone who has been cheated on but then reconciled to partner.

Eurostar sometimes it feels like I am banging my head on a brick wall here. I am not saying that every affair is like this. The OP asked about how detachment can occur in affairs that happen in a previously happy marriage. There are probably more affairs that happen in unhappy marriages and plenty of affairs where the men are predatory, or where both spouses are serially unfaithful to eachother.

I am also sure that affair partners of both genders can be adored, as much, if not more than the spouse. If that didn't happen, married people would never leave for the OW/OM and sacrifice everything for that love.

I am not preaching. I am answering the specific question the OP asked, about a specific type of affair.

I recently read this really interesting article about the malleability of memory. People can be manipulated (or manipulate themselves) into completely re-writing their memories to fit in with what is going on in the present time and situation. I think it's perfectly possible that people can, sometimes subconsciously, construct entirely different memories which are more convenient for them in their new lives - whether that new life is with the affair partner (exW was nutter/boring/frigid) or the decision to stay with the wife (never loved OW, was tricked, DEFINITELY wasn't just because I was a bit bored and I wanted some). I really wonder how accurate our memories are sometimes, especially when you've had counselling - I recognise the desire to please the counsellor/therapist by saying the 'right' things. It's so easy to tell what they want to hear, and how to get a positive response.

I think there's some mileage in that theory too, quizling which is why I always recommend that betrayed partners get evidence from as many sources as possible - a chat with the OW/OM, reading E mails and texts that were kept, verifying phone bills, as well as the account of the unfaithful spouse.

However, don't underestimate that many unfaithful people in this situation want to be honest and get to the bottom of why this happened themselves and so (as in my case) it becomes as important to them that they understand why they discarded their values, as it is to their spouse.

In long marriages where both partners are neither gullible nor stupid - and they know eachother very well after all, eventually the truth does out.

I think we do have to 're-write' our own version of what happened.
I totally blame my h for his affair as he does too.

I have no doubt that at the time he felt our marriage was crap.

The ow also felt she was in a bad marriage.
They were friends who took it too far.

I dont think either set out to hurt anyone and both just caught up in the situation.

We both still acknowledge that he treated us all very very badly during this time and he has done a lot of work on himself. We do not blame the ow - he does not like her now - because is now looking at it from a distance. This is not him blaming the ow but realising that he at that time was not in the real world, and any thoughts of her make him feel bad.

Instead of endlessly finding the reason for it happening we have found it better to make our relationship better now and enjoy that.

I think the biggest reason for him not doing it again is the enormous hurt he caused people he know he loves.

I think once he accepted his blame he found the detatchment easy - he could see her faults and knew he did not want anyone like that.

I cant say it will not happen again - but i think if it did for either of us we would know what we were doing and not be able to say we thought it was a bit of harmless fun - because that is exactly what it is not.

Just found this thread. Very interesting. Reminds me of the classic "My wife doesn't understand me" line which has been around for many many years. I can see how this could be said as a 'pick-up line' by someone starting an affair like this, or, it could be believed by someone after detaching themselves for quite a while from their partner.

I had an affair which completely messed up my life. This was several years ago. But the reasons I had the affair were different to the discussions above, and I am aware of why someone, like me, who classically (no such thing I know) would have thought she would be capable of being unfaithful.

HappyWoman - seeing/understanding and living with the consequences of the devastation you have caused by having an affair, is a very strong reason not to do it again. This is how I have always felt as the person who had an affair, but in my case,I have been in a situation where the brief affair I had before we married (one week with a previous partner) has never been forgiven by my H and I think gave him a licence (he thought) to think of me as a ......

To answer your queation UA my DH severed all contact with other woman immediately-and as WWIFN says yes he was stupid and could have said no.By the way it was not a physical affair -emotional and texting.I spoke to her and she did admit she had initiated the texts-pushed for the contact and enjoyed the 'excitment'of major flirting and being listened to and getting attention. Certainly he was responsible to a large extent but she did the major running and made the effort to go to his place of work as ofen as possible.So yes to call me gullible seems rather cynical- but I'll tale lovely and forgiving thanks!

Yes, there are different types of affairs to the kind the OP specifically queried. In lots of affairs, the spouse has already detached from the marriage some time before meeting the affair partner. Consequently, this person doesn't need a long permission-giving stage, unless the barrier to infidelity is personal (moral-based) rather than relational.

Affairs of that type often involve the spouse claiming that s/he is misunderstood at home and the detachment from the spouse is so complete that there is equally no barrier to criticising him/her to the affair partner.

However, in an affair of the type we are discussing on this thread, where the detachment is entirely related to the affair and not problems in the marriage, the spouse realises that the affair hasn't been caused by their marriage/spouse's behaviour and still has enough attachment to their spouse to prevent any criticism of him/her, even by the affair partner.

I saw an E mail sent by the OW to my H towards the end of their relationship, where she acknowledged that his marriage was happy and that he loved me.

Affairs that are love-based have fewer boundaries and if the affair has to end, the detachment from the affair partner is much harder and more painful, because there were genuine feelings involved.

Fairymist - that is very sad.

This was something i was very aware of in myself - i did not want to be one of those woman who carried around a lot of bitterness for a long time, and would throw it back again and again.

Sometimes it is hard - and of course the marriage is still not all roses .

Learning all the reasons for why it happened in the first place does to an extent help, but only if things can change.

One of things i think i still struggle with is 'good people have affairs' I am not saying that people who have affaris are bad people but we must not ever 'excuse' what they knowingly do.
At the time of his affair my h was not a good person at all. He too now accepts this.

I also think people can change if they want to enough.

A lot of people embark on affairs not because they want to be 'bad' (even though at that time i do believe they are) but because they dont understand the hurt they are likely to cause and lets face it many affairs run their course without being found out.

I think as well that because society 'allows' many affairs to go on they are not really considered so 'bad'!

A friend of mine recently told me she knew of a man who was having an affair and she said 'well there must be something wrong with his marriage'. This is the belief we must try to stop more than anything. After all show me a perfect marriage.

Meant to say too Eurostar that you may have missed a thread I was on recently where I discussed my lovely friend who was an OW. She freely admits that she pursued the relationship with her MM and it took her some time to persuade him to have an affair. However in that relationship, there were genuine feelings involved on both sides and what started out for them both as a distraction, resulted in them falling in love.

The more attached he became to her, the more detached he became from his wife. He started out in the relationship saying he was not unhappy in his marriage, but as the affair progressed, his marriage became unhappier. Unfortunately, he blamed his wife for that, rather than his own behaviour.

It took a brilliant counsellor and our group of friends to point out to her the inconsistencies and fortunately, she belatedly realised that he was never going to leave his wife and that if he did, it was extremely likely that he would be unfaithful to her as well, in the future. Because in this case too, it was not about his marriage or his wife, but about him.

Cross-posted HW. Yes, I agree that this belief that "there must have been something wrong with the marriage" or even more pernicious, "there must have been something wrong with the spouse" is a popular and very harmful myth.

As well as that other notion (peddled on the Relate website of all things ) that affairs are the joint responsibility of the marriage. No they are not. People are responsible for their marriage, not the behaviour choice of infidelity, exercised by one of them without the other knowing. It's as damaging as saying that both marriage partners are responsible for the domestic violence or abuse that one is perpetrating against the other. No-one in their right mind would tell a victim that they deserved abuse, but people freely hold a faithful spouse responsible for the infidelity that has beset their marriage.

WWIFN - Yes, maybe. Every situation is different however. My history - teenage sweethearts, married after five years, happy for next five years (10 years from start of relationship - my maths is briliant!). Late 20's, series of miscarriages, then finally, difficult pregnancy and birth of first child - fourth pregnancy, probably some pnd - brought on, I am sure, from 18 months prior losing pregnancies and then difficult full-term pregnancy, also signed off work by consultant during pregnancy - not good for me, I don't think, looking back, (pnd never diagnosed - I just soldiered on), no sexual relations with h from time of conceiving with first child for 'three' years (no sex during pregnancy as advised by consultant during pregnancy due to history of miscarriages). Man comes along at work and shows interest in me, fancies me etc...

Sorry to ramble - but my detachment from my first H was a long process, and in fact, the both of us drifted apart. The fault wasn't one sided.

Yes, faults on both sides in the marriage in your case Fairymist, but no-one is responsible for another's behaviour choice, i.e. infidelity.

WWIFN - I would NEVER think someone was responsible for another person's infidelity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG

Sorry, I mistook your "maybe" for some ambivalence about that. Glad to read your last post.

Okay I am going to add a comment or two which I know will be controversial but reflect some of my no doubt conflicted feelings on all this fidelity stuff.

Possibly because I grew up in a household where there was infidelity, although I don't think it is just that, I take a view that I would not necessarily expect fidelity in a partner.

In other words, if my partner desperately wanted to explore a physical/emotional relationship with a third party, I would ultimately consider that would be his decision not mine.

My decision would revolve around what I would do if he were to have an additional relationship, assuming I knew of course! If I did not know, then presumably I would be in blissful ignorance until I found out (if ever) when I would no doubt be furious about the deception involved and the lies told. However, if I suspected what would I do - turn a blind eye, try to intervene, go to counselling, have my own tit-for-tat affair, separate or even divorce? All of these are perfectly valid options.

Genuinely not trying to be annoyingly controversial, just saying that everyone has their own way of dealing with this (hopefully hypothetical) situation.

For my own part, I do not feel that you can "force" anyone to be faitful to you. I doubt I would be unfaithful to my partner because of the type of personality I have, but he completely understands my views on this subject and he accepts them. In other words I CHOSE fidelity because it suits me, not because of him. He knows he will never be able to force me to do or be anything.

100% agree with everything wwifn, has written. Probably the best piece of writing I have read.

WWIFN - do you have experience of infidelity?

fairymist I don't understand the question. It is obvious from what I have said about my H's affair that I have experience of infidelity.

Beg your pardon WWIFN. I didn't read all the posts.

No worries Fairymist

Yes Tadpoles I quite agree. One of the biggest myths is that we can control anybody's fidelity but our own. And I am so glad to read that you now acknowledge that an affair needs to be known about, before a betrayed partner can make an active choice about next steps.

I have come across a few situations where ignorance was blissful for the betrayed spouse, even with hindsight. Usually this happens when the unfaithful spouse is a true compartmentaliser and can love the one s/he's with.

However, in most of the affairs I have known, the experience wasn't blissful at all for the deceived spouse, because of the affair-related behaviour that they were subjected to; the distancing, the cruelty, the rejection etc.

In the worst cases, this can also involve "gaslighting" where the concerned spouse keeps being met with denials and accusations that s/he is going mad or suffering from paranoia.

Just come in and read the thread, and want to thank WWIFN for the affirmation re my
experience of 'gaslighting'.

The feelings of paranoia and being constantly told you are imagining things, reading the wrong meaning into comments/situations, were simply awful to live with, and although I still have a lot of sadness, a weight was lifted when my suspicions were confirmed.

I now fully understand the process of my H's distancing and the timescale over which it happened, and I know that we did have a happy marriage until this began/ OW appeared.

The one thing that I will never get to the bottom of was why he chose the course of action he did, an affair, rather than be open and honest, and put me through 3 years of misery. He has never explained his actions and never will.