how do you deal with the guilt of finishing a marriage?

[UpsyDaisyOne]

Hi, I am hoping someone can make me feel stronger about this, as having a hard time at the moment. Feel I have reached the end of the road with 'd'h- long, complicated story but basically he has been having an affair and fathered a child with someone else, and he is not contributing financially as he should be to my household- partly because he is not good with money/ jobs, but also because he is sending a lot of money to the OW and his extended family. There are lots more things, and I have come to find out the truth bit by bit, mainly through information she has given me, and he has lied to me and tried to cover up throughout.

Don't really want to discuss the details of the breakup/ his behaviour especially as I don't want to give away too much about my situation in case I am recognised. The problem is though that I want to end my marriage as I do not want to be in a relationship with him any more. However I cannot bring myself to do so because of my two dds. He is from another country, as is the OW, and he says if I end the relationship he will go back there to live. He says he won't go to the OW, but I don't believe him, and if he is living there it will be very hard for him to visit regularly as it is a long, expensive journey back to the UK. So my dds will feel their dad has left them, and will lose their close relationship with him, and what is worse, I will have to tell them in time that he has gone to live with her and their child. I have asked him to move out and live near us, but he says he can't/ won't, as he has elderly parents in his country, and he is only here in the UK because of us. I feel trapped and miserable and have asked him to move out several times now, but he always talks me into reconsidering for the kids' sake. But I am miserable and my oldest dd (4) is starting to notice, even though I try very hard to hide things from her. He is a great dad and they have a lovely relationship, but I know our relationship is over and he will not change for the better. I know I can't stay in an unhappy marriage so he has a relationship with the kids, but it can't bring myself to end it because of the guilt.

Has anyone else had a similar situation, and how did you cope with the guilt? Please tell me to be strong and end it with him and deal with the consequences of his decisions!

Hes blackmailing you !
Of course he could live local , its his choice and you are not responsible for what he does , or his relationship with your dcs.

And as for hes a great dad , is he really ? Hes cheated on their mum , lied to her , fertilized someone else and is not being financially supportive to them or you. I wouldnt want to model this sort of relationship for them.

Whats the worst that will happen ? He will go back to his home country , you can tell Dd truthfully that Dad now lives in a differant country . He can keep in contact via phone and email and visit for holidays .
Although its not an ideal situation , it is very common.And shes young enough to accept it .

If you leave it 5 years it will become a much bigger deal.

I know dignified, my parents and my dsis keep telling me that it will only get harder as she gets older to leave him. I just feel so guilty, but I know I need to be strong- and dd will start seeing through him herself soon

I think the only thing you should feel guilty about is if you keep this loser around .

He is the one whose behaviour ended your marriage, not you. Think of the example you are setting your DD. You want her to see "no-one messes with mummy"! Not that mummy is treated like dirt by a selfish man who put his own desires ahead of his family's wellbeing.

Be strong and start the divorce. How he acts afterwards is up to him.