he still won't listen

[insanityrules]

I have tried to talk to husband about his drinking, emotional mood swings, not helping me etc but it all falls on deaf ears.
Our teenage son doesn't like his dad much, due to the way he speaks.
Husband won't admit drinking problem says it his way to relax after hard day at work.
Won't admit to emotional outbursts or moods either says it's everyone else's fault, apparently i don't listen to him, the children talk to him like a piece of crap.

I work longer hours than him, do all the washing and other housework, take the children to afterschool clubs, i feel like shouting what about me!!!!!

No sex for past 2 years, the thought of shagging him makes me want to puke, i cringe if he even trys to touch me, more cause for rows.

Never helps with the kids homework, baths, clubs etc apart from the odd trip to doctors. Plus i have to try to arrange them around his work schedule.

Oh lets not forget i was once unfaithful 12 years ago, which i have not heard the last of and snide remarks are still being made.
I could go on and on and on (sigh) whats the bloody point.

what is the bloody point? what are you getting from theis? what do you want to happen?

I know what i want but can't see me getting it.
I just wanted to rant a bit, sometimes i get a bit down talking to the bloody wall.

sure! mn is good for that...
sounds a difficult home life with v little prospect of change if he won't discuss / doesn't think there's a problem....
you do have options you know...

Tried to get some options but didn't get much joy.
I keep hoping for a magic fairy to come along and make everything ok.

When i was younger i had all there expectations of a happy married life. LOL LOL LOL it's eas so nice looking at life through rose tinted glasses.

Probably sounds a bit patronising -but have YOU considered councelling by yourself - you clearly arent happy and it might help you explore the options open to you in a non confrontational way.

How do i go about that then

go to your gp and ask.
phone relate and ask (you can go on your own I think)
look on your local council website and see if there are any local charity services which will be free / very cheap

THanks will look into that.
Fed up feeling as though this is lot in life if this makes sense, and to be honest don't know whether i can wait until the children have left home before i leave.
Emotionally i left this relationship years ago, the children are the gel that is holding any semblance of normality in this life.

well with things at home as you describe them is this what you want them to have as their idea of a family life? so they can grow up and form similar relationships? please dont do nothing to change things for their benefit. you awill not be doing them any favours.

No i don't want them to think that this is what a family life should be. Though i do have this strange opinion that by stopping this farce of a marriage i will upsetting them.
Guilt plays a strong part in my hesitation to change things though.
I am always made out to be the bad guy, he knows exactly what to say to make me feel as though i am the one with emotional issues.
The affair i had was in all sense just a brief fling to make me feel better about myself.

Stopping the farce would be a bit of a jolt, but they know there's no relationship and they're probably wondering what on earth is stopping you from cutting them all and you also, loose from the H.

They're probably all busy making plans about what they're going to do when they turn 18, counting the days. They would probably be horrified to think you were slogging through all this quicksand just for their sakes.

You'll just have to suck up the particular consequences of the fling that he throws at you. You're not going to get him to work on whatever issues he has with that until he feels like it. Right now the two of you are holding each other hostage. One needs to make the move, and it seems as if your H is relishing having some sort of cat to kick, so it's probably not going to be him. Then the question is, what are you going to do to change things for yourself? I'd say start with your self esteem, find counselling, find an interesting activity, and do your best to keep lines of communication positive with your DCs, try to make their lives as good for them as possible.

You've made up for your guilt now.

Now is the time to stop punishing yourself.

Leave.

My father was an alcoholic.
I left home while I was still doing my A levels, I was in fact recovering from an operation and I still left home as soon as I turned 18. I wanted to get away from my father, and years of his mood swings in the evenings.
My mum tried to kill herself within a week of me leaving, because she could not take living with only him.

Think long and hard about your options.

Your DC will be happier without an abusive alcoholic in the house. So will you. Simples.

OK so the practicalities of throwing him out are a little more complex than that, but I would strongly advise consulting a solicitor and the CAB to find out how to go about it all - not saying dump his stuff an change the locks tonight or anything - but knowing that you can get him out (abusive people can be forcibly removed from the family home and prevented from returning) - or, indeed, that the better option for your circumstances is taking the DC and leaving - this information is very comforting to have. You don't need to act on it until you are ready, but when there is an abusive alcoholic in the house, you need to know it. Because abusive alcoholics get worse to live with, not better.

There is also Al-Anon Groups - for the partners/family of alcoholics. I have a friend who attended these meetings. Her DH eventually stopped drinking - but, by then, the years of damage it had caused, meant that, in the end, she could not forgive him. She and her children had had years of misery from it.

It's an awful situation and I'm sure your children would prefer it if you two lived apart.

The thing that got to me was when you said you cringed if he tried to touch you. I understand how you feel, but have you thought how awful that must be for him? It would be enough to make me want to die, that my partner shrank from my touch.

And I know everyone will yell that it's his fault etc, but just wanted to say that was one thing that really jumped out at me.

I grew up with an alcoholic dad. It definitely affected my adult relationships. Mum finally left when I was 19, and I wish she'd done it sooner.

I do love them both, and Dad is now sober and remarried. But I wish they hadn't continued the pretence, as I felt it was effectively a decades-long lie that did none of us much good in the end.

Just my 2p worth. Poor you.