DP wants dd to be "tougher" - she's only 3.

[merrygoround]

Dp told me tonight that he is worried that our dd is a bit of a wuss. He bases this on the fact that she has cried a few times on being left at her new nursery school (started last week), and also that she sometimes bursts into tears if she doesn't get her own way.

I think he is genuinely afraid that she will suffer socially (ie she will be unpopular) as a result of this.

I, on the other hand, think dp is over reacting, and in fact running the risk of making things worse if he comes down too hard on her for crying. I do understand his anxieties but want to reassure him that dd is normal even if a little bit shy and prone to trying it on a bit when she wants something. Most of all I want to put him off coming down heavy as I am afraid he will give her the message that she is not acceptable.

Does anyone else's dp/dh try to toughen up their children?

Yes, mine does. I usually shout "For God's sake, he's not even out of bloody nappies, he can't control his bladder yet, how do you expect him to control his emotions?"

Colditz I told dp tonight that I was SO glad we didn't have a boy - it must be even worse.

I think you are right.
To me the best way to 'toughen up children' is to give them loads of confidence and self-esteem, which means encouragement, understanding their feelings etc etc. maybe you could get your dh to see it as 'confidence building' rather than 'toughening up'.

She sounds completely normal for a three year old, anyway, so I don't know what he's on about!

Blu, I think it is a man is from Mars thing myself.

hmmm

my dh can be a bit like this

but I am complete opposite and cuddle and fuss a lot

I just ignore everything he tells me about child rearing and if he ever shouts at them I get cross with him

I know, crap isnt it, we are totally incompatible parents but our dds seem to love us anyway

Enid the problem for me is that I do think it is a bad idea to disagree with dp in front of dd, but if he is being unreasonable I just can't seem to stand by and wait to have a word with him after. I hate to see her upset and so I go in and do the cuddling - but I don't want it to be mummy nice daddy nasty.

I think it can be a good idea to try and, if not toughen them up, to get them used to coping on their own a bit. Can you create some opportunities where she will have to be a bit more independent? You could get her to buy something in a shop for you or something like that. My MIL spent a few weeks before dh started school deliberately bumping into him so that he wouldn't cry when it happened at school!

3 is very young though. I'm sure she'll be fine socially!

But what if she is a "wimp" ? Will dp spend his life being disappointed with her? I am a shy person, and even now as a grown woman find new situations difficult.

What is he proposing to do to toughen her up? Tell her off for crying? I would expect that to make her more nervous.

Don't think my dds' dad is like that yet, but then she is only 17 months.

However a couple of weeks ago I was out at an art gallery and was playing in the grounds with dd, when a large three yr old (ish) child came over and rugby tackled her to the ground!
His dad says, 'Oh sorry, been playing too much rugby... har har... she just needs to be toughened up.'

Dd obviously crying at this point.

WTF?

Of course, going to nursery WILL make her more independent. IMO that's one of the main reasons for sending them. They also learn to make friends.

I'm sure she will be fine. Any change of sitting down with dp and explaining that dd is displaying perfectly ordinary 3 yo behaviour?

ah poor thing she sounds lovely

your last post reminded me that I did say to dh once, yes dd1 can be a wuss but ...then listed all her lovely qualities and reitereated how he wouldnt like her to end up a hard nosed old madam like me

Hmm, still pondering this one. Weesaidie, the example you gave is the kind of thing I worry dp might think. He comes from a "tougher" background than me, and is I suppose thinking ahead to the kind of things that our dd may have to cope with (bullying for example). In actual fact she is a fiercely independent child, and no pushover. I think I will suggest to him that when she is old enough he takes her to some form of martial arts class - perhaps that would allay is fears.

My mum said to me ages ago, after witnessing dp coming down hard on dd about something, that she thought fathers were often more easily upset by behaviour they felt was inappropriate than mothers. And my friends who have children do seem to back this up - their partners are often much quicker to get annoyed than they are.

But I absolutely will have to try to persuade dp that "confidence building" and accepting dd as she is has to be the best way of protecting her and making sure she has high self esteem. If I hit a brick wall then I suppose we will have to agree to differ, but I'd rather we had the same (ie MY!) outlook on this one.

Merrygoround, I think you've hit the nail on the head. Most dads don't spend as much time with their children as most mothers (generalising wildly here, but probably true in most families) and particularly with oldest or only children tend to have unrealistic expectations of behaviour and maturity, and to come down unhelpfully heavily on displays of childishness/wetness/clinginess/messing about.

Clearly you don't want to end up with a child who is so protected that she cracks up when confronted with the rough-and-tumble of other children, but it does't sound as if that's how your dd is turning out.

FWIW, IME trying to stop them feeling clingy or upset is completely counterproductive. My ds at about 3 went through a phase of being reserved to the point of clingy, particularly in new or group situations. We'd go to a party and he'd spend the first 45 mins sitting on my lap like a little tender plant. Then he'd suddenly decide he'd had enough of that, and would jump down and race of shouting and yelling with the best of them. I had all the 'mummy's boy' jibes from friends and family, but I know that trying to jolly or ridicule him out of it would have had the opposite effect. Similarly I've found that the only times we've had falls or accidents at playgrounds is when I've tried to persuade/encourage them to climb up somewhere they weren't completely happy with. In the end only they can decide what their own comfort level is.

It can help to talk about feelings very directly, even though it feels a bit American. So you can say, "I wonder why you felt you wanted to sit on my lap at first? Did you feel a bit shy?" Or whatever. Often they don't really understand how they're feeling, so interpreting it back to them can be very empowering.

hth

Thanks frogs, it does help to read other experiences. Dd has unfortunately had to live through some very turbulent times between her father and me, and I often feel that she has a more highly strung disposition than she might otherwise have had. And because of that I feel even more strongly that we owe it to her to accept her, whether clingy or independent. Who knows what she has absorbed from being in a frequently very tense and angry household? It is one of the reasons why I hope dp and I can find unity on this subject, because I am very keen that we create a more stable home for her.