after an abusive relationship

[spiritedaway]

I'm out of a relationship but now i'm on my own with 3 children and expecting a fourth. I haven't worked in 3 years. I don't have any family nearby. My ex is loaded but won't pay bills which acrued while he lived here...makes noises like he will but then the conversation moves round to him and the bills aren't paid. Im up shit creek.CSA can't help...he already got round that for tax purposes and is paid abroad. I'm lonely, sad, nearly 40! Having a total whine. He says he's changed wants to try again etc. I'm losing my resolve. Help?

If he has change why is he not paying the bills.

He just comes out with bullshit like i'm being cold..he's too in love with me to talk about money. I know its crap. I'm just feeling so bad that i don't feel i have anbything to offer the kids and just feel like once the baby is born i won't be able to cope. I just feel really fearful for the future. Felt ok last week...is up and down normal? Remembering all the good times.

Don't even think about getting back together. He has you where he wants you and there's a major power imbalance in the relationship as things stand. It wouldn't take you long to remember why the two of you split up in the first place.

You need to investigate every possible sort of benefit that's available to you, maybe scale back your expenses to the barest minimum for a while if that's at all possible, and consult a solicitor asap about the bills that accrued and whether he can be pursued for support (are the DCs his?)

Any possibility of selling/moving from where you are to some place closer to your family?

I suggested moving closer to my mum...she looked aghast. When she was saying..what have you done, how will you cope etc..i suggested i move near her so i could do a post grad teaching course. She said straight away she wouldn't help with the kids. She knbows how bad ex was but is of the generation of put up and shut up...made your bed etc. 2DD are not his...youngest DD and new baby are. My eldest has special educational needs and would be drastically effected by a school move anyhow.
I keep thinking i'm going to be on my own and exhausted so what have i got to offer. I just can't believe he says he's so sorry for being an utter twat but won't help out. He earns £500 per day and pays tax on only 6k per annum. He abused his position at work to aquire personal onfo about me when we were together. I haven't reported him though he is so arrogant he doesn't seem to have made the link that i could have and the only reason he continues to coin it in was because i haven't. . . blackmail? I feel like it.

You should not be thinking of a new relationship at all while you're so low. To do so would be to go out with a huge KICK ME sign on your back, and LOSER written on your forehead and it would end badly. Your attitude should be one of dealing with this on your own and not trying to find a man to lean on in any way.

You're going to be on your own and exhausted, and you need to save your energy for your children and forget about men until you're in a better place.

Report him to the Revenue if you can prove what you're saying here, or even if you have a whiff of proof. Resist the urge to blackmail him. Blackmail is a crime. You don't want to go there. But you should report him for his tax dodging, and you should report the misuse of company resources or of his position to the relevant people too.

Keep on trying to find every bit of support you can in RL -- so sorry your mum is being so obtuse. (Maybe the Stately Homes thread on Relationships is the place for you.) And I recommend the NPD thread too. (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) The thread is in Relationships, maybe a few days old.

Of course he won't pay the bills, then he will lose a major weapon - money.

Look after yourself. As advised, talk to CAB, solicitor, find out about benefits available. Get the facts for yourself, ignoring (as best you can) what he is saying to increase your feelings of vulnerability. You will feel stronger knowing where you stand.

At the moment, he is armed with the power of fuelling your vulnerabilities but that is easy for him from where he stands. Find out where you stand - knowledge is power.

Thanks all x