A Newbie Writes Seeking Wise Words

[BeGentleLadies]

Afternoon ladies,

Entirely new to this, and (whisper it) I'm a man but was pointed this direction by a wise friend so let's see where we end up...

We'll try for brevity (although all your abbreviations are beyond me...).

My girlfriend and I have been together 9 months, both late 30s, got the jobs we want and are generally well-placed in life.

I'm a serial monogamist but have never reached the finished line ; she got married a couple of years ago but it went downhill pronto and she left him last year after trying to make it work (and now divorced). Having kids has always been her dream.

SO... I love her dearly and just want to settle down and breed furiously; I trust her with my life and have never met such a wonderful woman.

She describes me (this is immodest, sorry in advance) as the most perfect man she's ever met in terms of loving, emotional, honest, commonsense yadda yadda BUT she doesn't love me and can't get past this.

We've nearly ended it a couple of times but i've talked her down each time.

Let's finally get to the point ! Is this in any way common, to have nearly everything you want but not "be in love" ? The divorce strikes me as the elephant in the room.

Am I right to keep telling her "it'll come" ?

I await your collective pearls of wisdom and hope to hell she isn't doing this too !

Be gentle, ladies...

Once you have bred furiously and have had years and years of not having an unbroken night's sleep, often only having two or three hours in a night, when you are both covered in baby vomit or potty training, do you honestly think you will have the necessary glue to hold you together?

I don't.

If it's not there now, it won't come.

Why would you want to settle for the hope that someone will eventually love you? You say that you have 'talked her down' but you need to speak up for yourself quite frankly. I didn't love my partner from day one, but by 9 months I definitely knew - but honestly, it sounds to me as though she is telling you what you don't want to/ are fearful of hearing - she is settling for you and you are at risk of being hurt.

Everyone deserves to be loved, and not to be the person that someone 'settled' for. Don't put yourself through the agony of a one sided relationship, because it sounds like that is what she is telling you it is. Start listening to her and what she is really saying to you.

I'm sorry but it probably won't. Growing resentment is more likely.

Honestly? I think she will always feel 'cheated' if she spends her life with someone she doesn't love. It's harsh to say it, but in terms of contentment, I would subtract the 'ideal job' etc for love any day of the week.

And nine months is when you should be 'madly' in love - so I don't think it's going to happen any time soon. Sorry :(

But here comes the caveat. That's me. There may well be women who are happy to spend their lives with a 'best friend' and, having been with my DH for 18 years now, I would have to say that our 'friendship' is one of the most important parts of our relationship.

Do you have a good physical relationship? Does she 'fancy' you? Maybe friendship and lust can work...?

Oh look, I've completely contradicted myself. Not much help at all

As awful as it might be to have to face this, BGL, I think it would be foolish to do something now in the hope things will change in the future.

If you stay with her, she will be settling. And so will you.

It's a difficult one.
Yes, it can work; love can grow.

Two very dear friends of mine decided to get married & have kids although they knew they didn't love each other. They did like each other and were very good friends even thought (reading between the lines) the sex wasn't that fantastic. They were mid-30s, the woman a real careerist who now has close to a 7-figure income. (I wish I earned a tenth as much as her)
Two children later, mainly looked after by the male partner, some angst and a few rough patches, they love each other. It's been 25 years, so there must be something.

Yup, she fancies me plenty and physically it's all good.

TBH i'm not hearing anything I haven't already thought... my head isn't in the sand, i'm just willing to go the extra mile to make this work if there's an extra mile to go.

Interested to hear any thoughts on the divorce angle...

No, if it hasn't happened now, it won't come.

If she really wants children, she might be hoping that it will, but it's a false bargain, because the arrival of children puts stress on the strongest of couples, who are still in love.

Neither of you should settle for "second best" and it will destroy your self-esteem if you know deep down that you are not loved, in a romantic sense.

I could name you a longish list of people I love - but no way would I want to live, sleep, eat & shit with them for the rest of my life. You have to be "in love" for that - or have an overriding sense of duty, as with some arranged marriages.

You seem to be clinging to the hope that the divorce will set her free to discover her real passion for you. If a marriage certificate were an effective vaccination against passion, there wouldn't be so many affairs would there? Nine months after getting together with you, she'd be at the height of in-love-ness ... if it was going to happen. I respect her honest self-knowledge. I'm afraid I think you should, too.

Why do you keep referring to her divorce? It's done, she is divorced. There is no more to say on it. Unless you are thinking she is so bruised and disillusioned by it that this is what's stopping her from being in love with you?

She is not in love, she never will be, not now. The only thing you can do is accept second best, or leave, and hope she wants what she can't have. Even then, it wouldn't be real. Sorry.

she left him last year ? You have been together 9 months ? So she hasnt been separated from him for 2 years yet ?

I think it is too soon for her.... she cares about you alot by the sounds of it...

I fell in love with my DP over time... after my Ex H cheated and dissapeared.... a year on I was friendly with a work colleague.. over time we started seeing each other and basically i was hard work, we split several times over a year, all with me realising in the end that he was there for me whatever.... The love grew.... :)

This again?

We must have a reputation for being really helpful to random blokes wanting reassurance

Of course the last one turned out to be making it all up.

Did he?

Did you miss that?

He posted by accident in his 'female' persona. It was rather funny.

My thoughts are that she fancies the pants off you and wants you on a physical level for sure, but like others have said, if she's not in love with you by now, I don't think she ever will be.

Especially as she has already tried to end it more than once.

When you say 'you talked her down'...... what do you mean? How did you get her to stay? Chain her to the bed?

BOF, I'm sorry I did miss that!

engineer Mike, it was

She's just not that into you.

You may even be a fuck-buddy.

Ah yes, msboogie, I couldn't remember his name!

"We've nearly ended it a couple of times but i've talked her down each time."

Why would anyone want a relationship with someone they had to talk into being in it?

She's trying to tell you she's Not That Into You. And, like all basically wussy nice people, she is trying to do it kindly, which means you are not hearing her. Wish her well and move on. Otherwise it's all going to go horribly wrong. It becomes very hard, after a while, not to start at least mildly mistreating someone who just will not fuck off when you don't want a relationship with them but they are not listening to you when you tell them so.