Ok so Dp thinks it is normal but I'm not too happy

[bogie]

He had an email from a girl yesterday (came through to the home emailbecause thats the one linked to his FB account) saying
"Hi just thought I would send you an email and we will have to keep in touch on here now because I have just been sacked make sure you keep in touch love xx"

So I asked him and he said "oh yeah when I went on thet weekend away with work she was one of the girls from the other company who was there, we all shared a villa together and now I email her everyday?!? because we have an office quiz question everyday and I like to see if she can get it"

He sent her a message back saying "sorry about that why not try and get a job at our place then you could see me everyday :-)"

"then she just said oh lets try and organize a night out soon so we can see each other again xx"

Now he thinks that this is a normal thing ... I don't think he would be happy if this was the other way round so what do you think?

Let them arrange a night out - and you'll go along too of course .

Bloody he'll, he's a bit keen isn't he? Very inappropriate in my opinion......very!

I was thinking that ... I do belive dp is innocent enough (he sent the email back to her infront of me on my laptop last night, but he has been stalked twice because of things like this he is very friendly and thats not always a good thing

Well, some people do juist put xxx on the end of emails/texts and it means nothing, so I woulnd't read too much into it.

Also, I would definitely believe him that he only met her that weekend because her message means they've not seen each other since.

But, yeah, I would be a little annoyed about the over familiarity I guess...

Invite her to dinner at your house

She wants to be friends with you both, right ?

You could suggest he emails her asking if she wants to meet for lunch 'with my wife and I' as he hasnt seen her for ages and wants you to meet her too, as she is so great of course.

He may be a little nieve, and she may need a spoon full of reality. She may cool of rapidly, especially if she thought he was single, or she may have no alterior motives and be happy to be freinds with you both.

I'd be pissed off. Your DP is being quite flirtatious IMO 'why not try and get a job at our place then you could see me everyday :-)"

I was a bit slow with my response and others got there first.

When you say he has been stalked before, do you mean that he is open and friendly and nieve and hasnt learnt from his past experiences?

The quiz question bit could be quite innocent but the suggestions to met up would worry me. Do you know anything about her, is she married ?

AF hits the nail right on the head!!

Do it!! [devious smiley]

or....is he a player ???

Lightening strikes twice, eh ?

I don't think so...

I didn't think it would but the more I think about it the more I reckon this would bother me. Firstly because he is taking something of a flirty tone and also because he's been effectively talking to her every day but you had no idea who she was.

Ask him: is she in a relationship? Which of his other friends does he contact every day?

It sounds like this is teetering on the edge of inappropriate - and as though he has form!

Message sending as an act - fine

Emailing every day to someone who is not actually your friend or colleague - bit odd but okaaaaay

Replying with a flirty message about her seeing him every day - not fine, shitty actually

Doing it in front of you so you can't reproach him afterwards - twatty

I suffer from an over-friendly DP too - he is a real shoulder to cry on because he's so lovely/empathetic, but I can't imagine him making a crack about seeing another woman every day. That's just wrong.

When you say he has been stalked before, do you mean that he is open and friendly and nieve and hasnt learnt from his past experiences?

Yes that is what I mean

She is single I checked on her fb

Would he have sent an email like that to a male colleague/friend? Would you, to a female colleague?

I wouldn't. And while there's no problem with being friendly in life, this crosses a line and at the very least, could lead her on to false hopes.

It seems (giving him the benefit of the doubt) that his judgement is off and he doesnt know how to behave without flirting. I would tell him, clearly and with no doubt that this is not the right behaviour for a married man or woman.

Two stalkers is two too many, and suggests that he isnt changing his behaviour. Does he enjoy the attention?

I think you are making excuses for him, OP. A person can give out the wrong signals once, but not repeatedly. I think he is a flirt who wants the attention and he knows it.

It sounds as though this female's very existence was news to you. Having been rumbled, he then tried to "normalise" this behaviour, putting the onus on you to be "cool" about it. You don't have to be.

It's perfectly acceptable to say that you find this behaviour threatening and it makes you uncomfortable and that you feel that a boundary has been crossed here. Sometimes it helps to reverse the roles and ask him how he would feel if you were having a similar secret relationship with another man, but sometimes people are so manipulative, they will pretend they would have no problem with it and that this is your jealousy problem, rather than their flirting.

In your shoes, I would call him on it and stop pretending that he is a clueless man who is vulnerable to predatory females. He's giving enough attention back to her to give her plenty of hope that he's up for something. Sure, her behaviour is pretty shitty if she knows he's in a relationship, but some people have skewed morals about owing an attached person's partner nothing.

It is his behaviour you need to worry about, not hers.

I do think he is being out of order and I know if I challange him he will say he would have no problem with me doing it .... he use this line all the time btw ... But I just wanted to point out that one of the stalkers was a man so I do think he gives off the wrong signals to everyone iyswim

Well hopefully you will conclude that when he says he wouldn't mind you doing this, he is being deeply manipulative - and disingenuous to boot.

So just stick to what is indisputable i.e. your feelings about this. If he still does it (and goes even more underground, which I think is likely tbh) then you have some tough decisons to make.

I think it would be better getting to the root of why he feels the need to do this, but if you're going to have a problem even getting him to admit that this is unacceptable, then that could take a long time.

Definitely inappropriate.

My DH is very friendly and just CANNOT spot when someone is flirting with him. It is innocent from his side but I have had to tell him a couple of times about how he comes across to a certain type of woman.

You must tell him that just because flirting isn't his intent, doesn't mean that that isn't what's happening.