What to do????

[uptoolate]

Basically I have had alot of problems with h over the ten years or so that we have been married. We have 4 (yes, that's right - 4 ) children. He has done alot of crappy controlling stuff to me over those years, but now even though he acknowledges that he did those things, maintains that the phone conversations I heard him having which sounded like he was arranging dates with other women have all been imagined by me.
He wants to give the marriage a go, but only if I stop questioning him about those times.....not good is it?
Maybe I could carry on pretending for the sake of the kids....dunno....

Also I told him that I would make an appointment with the GP, then, since I obviously need some kind of help if I am hallucinating. This shocked him because the gp is a sort of friend and would be shocked, considering I don't hallucinate generally....but today he tried to say that I have hallucinated and imagined things before. Completely untrue, but this is his new argument.
I should leave him, but don't know how I can.
I don't even have a bank account, although I am going to remedy that this week as soon as I can.
I want to be in a position such that I can manage all the practicalities of life without him.

He is always going on about how everyone thinks he looks so young for his age, how he gets asked for id all the time, blah blah blah........I hate that about him
Wow, my marriage is so crap........and I am a fuckin idiot, talking to myself on here. I can't even sleep because I am so depressed about it. There were times in the past that I felt suicidal.

Love your name - am always uptoolate myself! Am hopeless at advice but you sound like you need support so thought I'd reply.

If it were me I could only give it a go if we'd cleared the air. Have the two of you thought about Relate / relationship counseling - can be much easier to get things out in the open with a professional rather than getting into a slanging match that doesn't resolve anything.

Sweeping things under the carpet has never been my style - but everyone deals with things in their own way.

Good luck and best wishes whatever you decide

XX

PS, nothing wrong with 4 children - I'm one of five and it's great being part of a big family.

Thanks for replying Nowpanicandfreakout, love your name too.
You have made me feel better by just replying. He won't do marriage counselling/relate type thing at all. He is just a prize twat.
I hate being with someone that I can't respect. I know he is never going to admit that he had affairs, it is obvious to me that he did, but why try to convince me that I am mad. I hate him for that.
I don't want the kids to not have their father in their lives, but am wondering if he is thinking about leaving anyway. He says he 'has no immediate plans to leave, WTF does that mean? Am I supposed to thank him for that and start having sex again? (his main complaint)
I just want to be respected and loved, maybe I should just forget that...

Its called Gaslighting Uptoolate , and as you know its a form of emotional and phycological abuse . I presume he also uses other methods to emotionally abuse you by ignoring you , ignoring your feelings , shouting you down , twisting things , rewriting history ect. Sounds like he controls the finanaces too.

It is abuse , and its very serious , and worse , it usually just gets more and more severe , and as children grow and develop minds of their own they get targeted too. Im very glad to hear your thinking of leaving .
Most counselers will not counsel couples where this abuse is going on , but i strongly recomend getting some counseling for yourself. Have you heard of womens aid ? If not google them , they will be able to refer you to someone local where youll get some support , its free too.

Theres lots of websites , books ect that can help you , ive got loads of books that you are welcome to if youd like . Theres also lots and lots of links in my favourites, not sure if youve already seen them but yell if you want me to post them.

Ive been where you are , recognising it as abuse can be difficult , but thats exactly what it is . You really do deserve better than this.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-you-being-gaslighted

abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/08/from-why-does-he-do-that-inside-minds.html

www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

Gaslighting is the most hideous thing that one person can do to another. I have been the victim of gaslighting, and I don't think I will ever get over it.

You KNOW it's not you. People who gaslight are usually people with personality disorders and are very dangerous.

My mother is one. I was advised by ss, not to allow my children anywhere near her. The workers that saw me said that they had never given that advice before, but it is so serious that they felt that was the only course of action.

That's how serious gaslighting is.

I would very definitely see you GP, and anyone else who may be able to support you. Women's aid are good, and the support on here is awsome.

Uptoolate, thank goodness you have come here to ask about your relationship, thank goodness you know that it's NOT you that's behaving strangely, it's him.

Start with the bank account, save up some cash, and plan your exit. It may take time, but know that you can get help from Women's Aid.

there are many, many wonderful people on here too that can tell you how to protect yourself in the meantime, and to help you get yourself out of this abusive environment.

how are you doing tonight?