I don't enjoy sex - never have.

[thegoodishlife]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, there didn't seem to be a "Sex" thread anywhere! :)

I guess the title says it all really. I've had several partners (about 7-8) and have been in a long term relationship for nearly 6 years now. I tend to get aroused, and enjoy foreplay sometimes, but most of the time think "I should be enjoying this...why aren't?". I've NEVER experienced an orgasm (yes, I've tried everything - foreplay, vibrators, I'm relaxed, I'm carefree but it still doesn't happen) and 99% of the time I'm just waiting for it to be over. Which makes me feel awful because DP loves sex (obviously!) and I could quite easily go without it for the rest of my life. I feel like a right freak!!! I'm posting here in desperation that someone else out there is going through the same thing :(

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Sounds like you have some anxiety around this issue which may be clouding things.
Don't know if this is helpful, but i find it hard to come through penetrative sex, but find manual stimulation (by myself) and toys helps me to orgasm... seems to be tricky for others to find the spot... and this can inhibit.. however, I am happy sorting myself out and enjoying the mutualness...

I have tried masturbation, both penetrating and, um, not-penetrative, but it just doesn't happen. I've come close both solo and with a partner, but never get the 'big bang'. Just a bit of a freak I guess!

Not freak - orgasms seem to be very complicated, especially for women, there seem to be lots of elusive spots.
But your comment begs the question - do you want to? Does that mean you would like sex, more sex.. but because you don't come it seems pointless, or that you are letting your partner down somehow, so this makes you feel, you could live without it?

i don't think you're a freak

it might be worth exploring with a sex therapist - possibly alone? there is such a thing as NHS sex therapy, usually a long wait (years rather than months) but you get an appointment in the end

but ultimately there might not be a 'problem', except that it bothers you!

how about if you did what feels good (you say you enjoy some things you do, and that you come close) and then stop when you've had enough? how would you feel about doing that?

in order of things to try:

1. somewhere quiet (book into a travelodge?), phone off, nothing to do but wank. Read erotic literature (or porn if that's your thing). Keep going, fantasise.

1. Get checked out medically and eat sex food like zinc supplements, green foods, get your hormones and thyroid checked

1. Hypnotherapy

1. sex therapy, either alone or with your partner

How comfortable are you with your partner? Can you tell him? The 2 of you could work on it together.

If you have any fanciful thoughts, you might want to conjure those up to help you bring it on. I think fantasies can be very important for women. Allowing yourself to have an orgasm is, I would say, 90% psychological, 10% physical.

There are a lot of good points here, Goodishlife; many you may have tried / heard / considered... may be worth trying or revisiting.

Thanks for all your replies - sorry RL prevented me from getting back on here for a while (early shift :()

I am v. comfortable with my DP, been together for over 6 years. I told him about a year ago that I've never orgasmed and after alot of trying he could bring me close, but no cigar - I ended up just faking it again :( I have tried mostly everything - I am never reserved when having sex, especially if I've had a drink, and am very open to orgasms but they never seem to come (excuse the pun!).

Sanebrain - to answer your question, yes I do want to!! I feel guilty that I don't enjoy sex as much as my partner does - we both see it as a way to "re-connect" rather than just the physical side of things (soppy I know) and I love how it makes us feel closer as a couple. I just wish I could get that end result - am an expert at faking!!

Maktaitai - I can't just stop when I've "had enough" as DP needs to finish!! Of course this ends up with me getting very.....sore afterwards as we can't use KY (allergic).

Maybe Sex Therapy is the way forward...that will be an interesting talk with my GP!!

Thanks for all the advice. It is really appreciated.

There are far better lubes than KY on the market and you could try an orgasm enhancing gel like O by Durex.
Being too orgasm focussed can actually spoil sex, it's not about the orgasm, it's about the pleasure and intimacy that sex brings to you both as a couple.
Apparently there are very few women who are truly anorgasmic and it's thought that they have deep psychological issues that hinder the process.
I'd say have a break from chasing orgasms and just get used to having sexual pleasure given to you, both from yourself and your partner.
You can get overstimulated and that can wreck an orgasm too.
Sex should be a good and positive experience whether you have no orgasm or five on the trot, oh, and your partner does not need to finish, if you are sore then he should stop, no ifs or buts - he won't implode.
It will do him good to have a few missed orgasms himself as it will give him insight into what sex is like for you, all the time.

A good lube could make all the difference to your pleasure, it should enable you to have sex for an hour or more and not get sore - most women need a minimum of 20 minutes to get properly warmed up in any case.

oh, and please stop faking it

that isn't fair on either of you

Hi goodish life, you may not see it but you in a good place.
You have a willing and supportive partner who loves you and wants to be with you physically and emotionally, and you want to come... You are just in a difficult place.
I understand your situation, and there's loads of stuff out there to help from counselling to websites... Love honey is good for tools... Others may have other suggestions.
Hang on in there.
And there is much to be said for the intimacy of just being together physically.