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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

dp strayed after dds birth cant get it out my head and cant trust him

16 replies

starshaker · 15/09/2005 16:40

ok could be long but still cant get over the fact that dp had a text thing with my ex best friend for how long i dont know but im pretty sure it had been from nearly the start. we would meet there as it was halfway between where we lived. sometimes if i suggested we went out he would invite her without asking me first. if we fell out he would get us speaking again. i started to get suspicious but he said i was being daft. i then got a car and decided i didnt want her to be such a big part as i didnt trust her like i used to so that was fine we didnt see her as much as we used to but he would still text her and she would text him to ask how i was ffs. not long before i had dd i saw a message saying he still got feeling when he seen the pic of her on his phone. still dont know what pic as it had been deleted. i was really hurt and upset and very pregnant at the time. anyway we talked about it and said we would put it behind us. then after dd was born i saw his phone again and saw he was still texting her i also saw the phonebill and there was £75 on premium numbers when i asked what they were he just said compititions which i laughed at so he admited they were those kind of lines. the bit that hurt the most was some of them were the night dd was born. what was he thinking, nothing could be better than becoming a dad but he had to go and do that. there was also some when dd had been taken into hospital as she stopped breathing. i asked him to stay with us and he said he had to work but he could still phone these at 2 in the morning. he says he couldnt have done anything for her anyway he just didnt understand i didnt want him there for her i needed him there for me. this was all ages ago but i still cant get over it and we havent had sex since dd was born im just not interested. really dont know what to do. i lie awake sometimes thinking why am i here or more to the point why is he here when were obviously not enough for him. sorry for going on and thanx if you got this far. dont know if i want advice (but feel free to give) just needed to get it out my head.

OP posts:
starlover · 15/09/2005 16:42

leave him!

starshaker · 15/09/2005 16:45

sounds stupid but i cant just get up and say oh by the way im leaving cos u did this x amout of months ago. the other day we had an argument and he said he was off so i said on you go then lots of shouting doors banging but he didnt go. he seems to think if he says sorry and is nice to me thats it all done and forgotton

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 15/09/2005 16:47

I'd ditch anyone who did this to me and our family.

Who cares how it 'sounds'?

Believe you me, there are PLENTY of decent people out there who wouldn't dream of treating their partner this way.

stitch · 15/09/2005 16:48

lots of sympathy. no advice though im afraid

starlover · 15/09/2005 16:49

i think you need to tell him exactly how you feel.
If you want to be with him then you need to lay out some ground rules (ie, NO phoning sex lines etc)

make sure he understands that you WILL leave him if he doesn't want to change. This is obviously really getting to you (understandably) and you need some form of closure (hate that word!)....

hunkermunker · 15/09/2005 16:49

I'd leave him. Well, I'd kick him out, frankly. He sounds extremely selfish and childish.

starshaker · 15/09/2005 16:50

yeah i dont have much luck with guys dont know what made me think he was different oh yeah thats right he said he would never deliberately hurt me and we had a baby but dont think that really counts for anything

OP posts:
starlover · 15/09/2005 16:55

if you want to leave him then don't worry that it was however long ago. you can't live like this!

do you have anywhere you can go if you leave him?

starshaker · 15/09/2005 16:59

nope i gave up my flat and all my stuff theres no room at my mums. dont know if i want to leave just dont want it to be like this want it back the way it was before all this shit happened

OP posts:
Blu · 15/09/2005 17:05

Starshaker, he has behaved very very selfishly, insensitivley and immaturely.

Would it make difference to you if he acknowledged what he has done and made a true apology? One based on his understanding of how he has made you feel?

Instead of it surfacing in rows, can you talk to him in a clear calm way and tell him how you felt that night when he didn't stay? And how it has affected your trust and feeling for him? And ask him what he thinks his role is as partner and father?

I think this is a very sad situation for you to be in. He deserves a big kick.

starlover · 15/09/2005 17:06

so to be the way it was before you need certain things to happen.
you need to be able to trust him
you need ihm to see what he has done

do you think he can change? do you think he realises WHY what he has done is so awful?

starlover · 15/09/2005 17:08

if you cant talk to him then you could e-mail or write to him

sometimes it's easier to get everything said that way.. before it descends into a row

starshaker · 15/09/2005 17:09

i dont know what i need all i know is i dont want it to be like this. there are times that its great and i can almost forget it but then something happens and its back to square 1 again

OP posts:
starlover · 15/09/2005 17:12

exactly and it's always going to be like that. unless you do something about it

weesaidie · 15/09/2005 17:36

That is disgusting... I'm sorry but I couldn't put up with that. I'd leave.

bonym · 15/09/2005 17:59

You deserve better.

He has treated you with a complete lack of respect.

There are good, decent men out there who wouldn't dream of acting like this.

You need to sit down and talk it through and if he can't or won't change, ditch him.

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