Why has it upset me so much?

[nappyaddict]

Sorry it's so long, hope you can keep up.

On Wednesday I met up with a friend. She was talking about her old relationship and how her new one was so much better. She said something that made me question my own relationship.

She said she realised the first relationship wasn't as good as she had thought at the time because all they did was go to the pub or cinema or whatever then go back for sex. And it made me realised that's pretty much what me and my DP do and although I thought I was happy that maybe I shouldn't be happy with that?

She said with her new boyfriend they chatted constantly on the phone, he would come and surprise her in her lunch hour or after work and they would do different stuff and try new places like a day out walking by the river and having lunch but with the first one they never really went anywhere or did anything different.

Me and DP don't chat on the phone much but then I'm not really a phone person. He works 9-5 in the week and I worked 5-11 Sun-Wed and 12-5 Sat so we don't really have much time to do stuff that's not eating out pub, cinema, bowling etc. We've had the odd day out into Worcester and Birmingham because we can go there on a Sunday morning and I can be back for work on time but usually we don't plan anything, then get up too late to do anything apart from lunch or go to the park. Neither of us drive so we can only go to the same places that are easily accessible by train, it's difficult to try new places all the time without a car. I would love to surprise him at work but he never has lunch at the same time and often ends up having to work late.

We have done different stuff when I've had time booked off work - we've been to a rugby match, went to the raf museum with DS, we are meant to be going to Alton Towers, taking DS to see Santa and maybe having a few nights away together. But you can't do stuff like that all the time can you?

When I probed her further she said it was more that with her new boyfriend they involved eachother in the other one's lives more and they had plans for the future. If one was invited out for a birthday meal or a day out, they would ask the other. And we do generally do that unless the person has said it's girls/boys only. The only time I've felt left out is when his brother and girlfriend, him and his mum and dad all went to a few rugby matches but didn't invite me. I didn't say anything to him about it cos I know he couldn't do anything about it as I wouldn't have fitted in the car but I still irrationally felt left out. We haven't got set in stone plans for the future but we've spoken in passing a few times about kids, names, marriage etc in the future.

I spoke to DP about it and he replied with well that's just what couples do. I've told him I don't want our relationship to end up like his last one where he was with her a year but never really felt anything, they were just together out of habit. I don't want to lose the fun and excitement, I know it can't be there all the time but it doesn't have to go completely does it?

He said he's never been happier and can see us being together for a very long time but if I'm ever having doubts I should just ask him about it. We're supposed to be having a talk about it on Tuesday but I don't really know what to say. I don't really know why that one sentence upset and bothered me so much? I feel so frustrated with myself for being upset about it I could bang my head on the floor.

Is it really a relationship issue? If you are feeling unsatisfied and unadventurous in your life then you can take control and sort it out for yourself rather than rely on your relationship to provide it for you.

Is there any reason that you can't organise things you would like to do yourself?

This is the thing, I really wasn't feeling unsatisfied at all. I loved what we have and couldn't have been happier. Then for some reason this one sentence brought it all crashing down around me and I just can't understand why.

Although perhaps my friend was feeling unsatisfied in her life and thinks she needs to rely on a relationship to provide it? Things with the second relationship are rocky as well now and she thinks it might be over and she said she's going to feel really lost if they do finish cos she's not ready to be on her own and she's scared of being lonely as most of her mates of busy with jobs and boyfriends so they don't see eachother as much.

nappy addict - I think you are overlooking a very important point if I have read this situation right. Your friend is talking about a new relationship, when everything in the garden is rosy and - oh just read your post where the new r/ship is rocky now - the first flush didn't last long - usually lasts 3 - 6 months I reckon.

You and your H seem to have a really good r/ship - count your blessings!

They've both been very short. The first one was 4 months and she said they either had to make it work or cut loose and they cut loose and I think this one has only been about 2 months.

Me and DP haven't been together that long either - nearly 6 months.

I do think she wants the whole fairytale relationship like you see on numerous Hugh Grant and Colin Firth films, but it's an ideal isn't it. Real life just can't be like that all the time. She thought she'd got that with the second bloke who was probably trying really hard in the beginning because you do make the effort for those first dates but he's probably feeling a bit bewildered cos he knows he can't keep it up forever.

I think you are overthinking things, TBH. I made myself a promise years ago to concentrate only on what I had and never to compare to (what I thought!) others had! Comparing your life to other people's is dangerous- often the things they seem to have better are not all they appear.

I have listened to countless friends gushing about their relationships, and watched enviously as bunches of flowers materialised for them, or they were whisked away on surprise weekends- my DH has never been particularly romantic, we do tend to be quite independant at times. BUT I've also then watched those same friends deal with the shock that their DP/DH was cheating/ lying/ whatever, and witnessed their subsequent pain.

I'm not saying that if someone seems to have a good relationship it means that it will go to shit, of course! Just that you should concentrate on the good things about your relationship, and work to change the bits you think could be better without comparing to someone else!

The other point here is that people are different, and feel differently in relationships. I know friends who are practically joined at the hip with their partner, and seem very happy like that, but I wouldn't really like that- it's what suits YOU!

You're right, it doesn't matter that she wouldn't be happy with what I've got, as long as I am. When she said well you shouldn't be happy with that, it made me feel like I'd settled for less, a bit worthless, you know what I mean?

How come they don't have room for YOU in the car, when they have room for everyone else? Why are you the one who has to be left out?

Do they all travel in one car? Is there another car? If you two have a car, then I think he should take you to the rugby too, so that you feel part of the family.

I have to say that what you do together would be boring for me - it sounds as though you wouldn't be able to differentiate one year from another. Being bored is one of the biggest causes of relationship breakdown, so be wary of going further if you are feeling this way.

atswimtwolengths What sort of things do you do together on a regular basis?

They all travel in one car cos his brother's girlfriend is the only one that doesn't drink. Neither of us drive so I can't offer to drive us seperately.

"You're right, it doesn't matter that she wouldn't be happy with what I've got, as long as I am. When she said well you shouldn't be happy with that, it made me feel like I'd settled for less, a bit worthless, you know what I mean?"

I don't think it's too surprising that she made you think about things but you and your relationship sound much more grounded, complete and happy than I suspect your friend, searching for fairytales, will ever be.

if he works monday to friday and you work both saturday and sunday EVERY WEEK then i don't see how you can have much of a family life.

i appreciate it may be out of necessity but personally i wouldn't consider (unless facing serious financial problems) not having at least one day a week with my husband to do things together as a family.

i apologise if there's nothing you can do about your working days - maybe somebody else who works anti-social hours and makes it work can come and give you some advice better than i can.

Erm- speaking as someone whose DH is in the RN, and has just left for 3wks (which is only a short time, compared to what we have been used to!) I think you can have a perfectly good relationship without needing to engineer lots of outings etc.

If you enjoy the time you spend together in each other's company, then surely that is enough? (Even if it is just sitting in watching x-factor meaningful foreign films!)

And speaking as someone who has a 9 month old baby, I think your life sounds rather exciting! Pub, cinema, bowling... it's bedtime by 9pm for me and DP at the moment, and when I say "bedtime" I mean to sleep. Maybe read for 20 mins if we're feeling really wild.

Do you really feel dissatisfied or are you just comparing yourself to your friend? I try (and fail) to avoid comparing myself to others as it always makes me feel inadequate, even if I was quite happy with myself beforehand.

"I try (and fail) to avoid comparing myself to others as it always makes me feel inadequate, even if I was quite happy with myself beforehand."

That's it in a nutshell! I was perfectly happy beforehand and had never compared our relationship before. I will definitely try to never do it again!!

fluffles DS isn't my DP's son. We do things with him together but we aren't a family, we've not been together long enough for that.