anyone else feel totally alone in their marriage?

[donnadraper]

I guess I'm looking for some advice, or some people who've been through the same thing, and come out the other side...

DH and I have been together 10 years, married for 5. We have 2 young DC's. In many ways our lives are 'easy', we're very fortunate in many ways - I guess from the outside one would think I would have very little to complain about.

I know the impact that having young children can have on a relationship, neither of our kids have been brilliant sleepers - and the second is going through a particularly tough spell of teething/illness at the moment. So we're up several times a night, very knackered and of course that means we're ratty with each other, bickering over stupid things blah blah.

I know this, but increasingly I just feel that DH doesn't support me on an emotional level. He's a brilliant dad, and certainly supportive on a practical level. But if ever I'm upset about something, he shouts me down, and acts as if I'm stupid. It's as if he has a very limited tolerance for anything on that level. I've always been the more emotional one in our relationship, but I am pretty confident that I'm not a high-maintenance, hysterical person, if that makes sense.

When I hear couples describe themselves as each other's 'best friend', I just think, wow, that is very far from where we are. I guess what I'm asking is if anyone has ever been in this position - and if it's purely the exhaustion of having young children, and that he is simply 'spent' - or it's something to really worry about.

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks x

it could just be his personality - my DH doesnt talk about emptions but is still a fabulous husband in loads of ways. some men just dont. and becuase they are wired differently, they may not get it when we are finding things hard to cope with as they want us to just get on with it!!i would stick to having your best friends ~(female) for that kind of support and appreciate your husband for what he is. he doesn't need to be like you to be a great husband.i really think its important not to focus just on being parents, but on being a couple. try to talk about other things and pursue other interests.

Some people have difficulty really connecting with emotion. Your unhappiness might ring big bells with your dh and in his distress he's harsh, as he isn't adept at using Feeling.

If you are more of a "feeler" type and he is more of a "thinker" type then you may always feel a bit short-changed in the business of having a true soul union with him. But it doesn't mean that you don't love each other or aren't suited as a couple, it just means that you don't both have the personality type that enables it.

What makes you tick as a couple is probably somewhere else: shared values, shared sense of humour, shared priorities....this is just an area where things are less close, it doesn't mean that your relationship is "wrong" and others are "right".

TBh, two "feelers" on a marriage can be pretty damn codependent, anyway.....but then I'm a thinker myself, I need excuses..... :)

"if ever I'm upset about something, he shouts me down, and acts as if I'm stupid."

Has this been going on for long? That would worry me if it were to become the norm. Have you tried discussing it with him?

Sounds as though things are pretty tough and I expect you're both tired too.

Thanks for responses, and apologies for the delay in reply.

You're all correct- we are different personalities, but we do share the same ideals etc, most of the time anyway.

I just don't know though, I'm sitting here in tears after yet another horrid row where he flings names at me, and I know that while we're knackered and trying to cope with a baby that doesn't let us sleep- but I am really concerned that we actually just aren't working on a fundamental level. I feel unhappy and unsupported. I don't want to bring up my kids like this. Sorry, am venting - we need counselling don't we? Haven't spoken to anyone IRL and feeling all over the place...

You are both exhausted. That sounds like the problem, not a fundamental incompatibility.

You need time to talk and time to sleep. Would sleep training help? We found it hugely useful when our insomniac son was doing this to us, all those years ago.

Have you tried taking turns with the baby at night? When ours was waking all the time, we did one night each rotating it...so I would sleep as far away from the baby as posible while he had the sleepless night...then the next night it was my turn. Lack of sleep can make thing really bad.

hi, sorry to hear how you are feeling.

my xh was like this. i suffer from depression and he would never comfort me or reassure me when i felt low.
he used to say "here we go again"...

at times when i got so upset and actually said "you know what i need - a kiss and a cuddle to know you love me"
he would say "you just want me to run up your a*se and am not going to do it". he was so stubborn and it would break my heart.

anyway he left me 2 n half weeks ago (and counting).

i am the type of person that if i feel loved and wanted - i am on cloud 9 and will do anything for anyone.

is your dh stubborn?
have you told him how u feel?

xx

Shouting someone down / refusing to listen and calling them names is emotionally abusive behaviour and not ok , no matter how tired or stressed he is .

No wonder your upset.

Can you get the emotional support that you need from outside of your marriage - friends, family - and stop trying to get your dh to give you something he is incapable of supplying?

Hi there,

Thanks so much for responses...having an impossibly busy day but it's so great to have had your thoughts on this.

I don't want your specific (and very helpful) questions to go unanswered, so will write more tomorrow, if anyone's still around then...thanks again x