do you read your partner's emails/texts?

[toastandmarmiterocks]

Apologies if this has been done before but I would really like some advice/perspective.

My DH and I have been together 15 years and in that time his family have been quite an issue. They do not like me, main reason being my DH is a twin and she was very upset when we got together because she felt left out (we were all friends at uni). She badmouthed me to the rest of the family and they have never forgiven me. I try to see as little of them as possible to be honest.

Anyway, I digress... DH and I have three young children and he is self-employed. Life is hard - as it is for most people. I cling on to the fact that we love each other, this is just a difficult phase, it will all get better. I am very close to my family and we all discuss the ups and downs. They never speak badly of my DH even if he has been out of order, they always encourage me to see the bigger picture, we are all just tired, things will get better. My DH's family are so negative. They always make me out to be the bad person, not surprising really as DH paints the picture that way. I know this because... I read his emails. I do feel bad but I am totally paranoid about his family. And with good reason, I always find stuff his brother or twin say about me. Really negative stuff. I know you never read good of yourself when you eavesdrop and I only have myself to blame, but I'm stuck. What do I do?? Today I read his mail to his twin saying

"Thanks for your concern.

Quite right, I am miserable. Toastandmarmiterocks is so complex and fiery, I just can not begin to explain.
You lot probably think I am some sort of doormat. I can assure you that that is not the case. I have changed into someone who is less mellow and more fed up.

Ah well, haven't spoken since yesterday afternoon and a night of abject misery and intense tension will take place until the best or only option is to apologise and drink myself to amnesia.

Wish me luck,

x"

The twin's reply was basically saying how spoilt and unreasonable I am. Having a go at my upbringing??? WTF has that got to do with her? I can totally understand how she will support her brother but I just don't see how she is helping matters?

I feel so let down by DH, feel he is so disloyal. I never speak about him like that even to my sisters. I am only coming on here because I desperately need to speak to someone and I can be annonymous here. I can not confront him because then I have to admit I read his email, I am going to have to just put up and shut up even though I feel it is so desperately unfair.

I am so sorry to have rambled on, I would appreciate any help/advice please.

I asked earlier if he is a whinger / attention seeker ? This could be to do with him playing the martyr to his family / enjoying negative attention ect .Is he negative in general ?What else do they discuss in their emails ?

He could also be one of those people who needs to put others down in order to feel better about himself. Either way , from what youve said , i dont think its about you at all . Some people just thrive on negative attention .

I know that you're doing this out of paranoia/insecuity. I know that.

But what you need to do is address the causes of the insecurity. Which is the strength of the relationship - whether you both want the same things etc

I'd be livid with DH if he were to be talking about me in these sort of terms to his friends or relatives. But you know, you have to address the cause of the issue rather than the symptoms IYSWIM

No I don't read his texts or emails.

What a horrid situation for you.

I would like to add that there are some families where this hate/disrepect/bad-mouthing goes on in cycles and they become totally hooked on the drama of it. It sort of becomes their lives.

They no longer have loving and caring relationships with anyone as they are always looking out for a bandwagon to jump on to and then feed on like vultures. Their perception of reality left the buidling a long time ago.

I too see the problem as being your DH, he's just feeding them what they want to hear and none of it is actually any of their business. That level of bitterness is very destructive and when its on email, its very real.

You need to think of how to jump off this whole scenario and start to find ways of being a couple who also have each other as their best friend.

I also think that any couple with three young children is going to feel a lot of pressures. It will get better, but only if you keep the toxic people at arm's length.

Interesting you should say that dignified. I have always found DH's family to be very negative (esp. twin). DH less so. In family get togethers they will always talk about people's faults. They can never say "isn't so and so brilliant, they achieved this that or the other". They are also very "exclusive", the two brothersinlaw hardly see the rest of the family, are never at family dos but its harder for me being a mother, I don't want to send the children without me. I also feel I need to show his family we are a united front. Not that that means anything if he then sends emails like he did yesterday...

DH is usually very upbeat and happy. We have fun together. He can be pretty negative about his work but then aren't lots of people?? I do see him playing the martyr with his family, annoyingly.

So who exactly is the toxic person in this scenario though? Because from the OP's POV it's her DH's family. From their POV, it's her.

No point in adversarial thinking here IMO. It's about pulling together

And any person who seeks to alienate his/her partner from their family is doing WRONG. Plainly and simply.

I'd be less concerned about the family gossip and the privacy issue. I'd say the real problem here is that your H is telling his siter he's very unhappy and your response is to feel hard-done-by. Surely the first thing to do is ask him why he's unhappy and really listen to him?

Toast , you said you dont want to send the children without you. Whether they notice it or not at the moment i dont know , but it wont be long before they do. Why not just cut ties with them and state firmly you dont want to see them or talk about them ?

Your under no obligation to continue contact with them , and trying to put on a united front isnt working , your dh has to do that and hes not done it.

You said earlier that your dh sometimes distorts the truth about you to his family . It might sound harsh , but in my opinion people who distort the truth (whether thats a huge fib or small lies )distort the truth in all areas of their lives . It doesnt sound like he is being honest about you or to you . Also , he is activeley manipulating his family with these distortions , can you be sure that he is not manipulating you also ?

You are meant to be the most important person in his life , yet he is exposing you to this toxic crap from his family . What he is doing is nasty and underhanded . I certainly would not even be considering a move to the country under these circumstances , you currently have no support from his family and you will lose the support you have now from your family . Why does he want to move ?

Have you asked him if he is unhappy ?

I don't really understand why you're focussing on his family and their faults. Or at least I can only understand it in the context of your transference of issues - you don't want to be amgry with your DH, it's easier to be angry wth the twin.

But the reality is that they're irrelevant; he's been shockingly indiscreet and disloyal to you. The fault is all with him. I think sod the rights or wrongs of reading his emails - his "crimes" far outweigh yours.

what had happened?

were you not speaking to him?

does he apologise after an argument because you sulk?

Because that's what he's saying.

So the first thing is - is that true in which case that is something you really need to stop doing. Sulking is childish. or is he telling a lie - there was no argument and you weren't giving him the silent treatment, in which case he is telling lies aout you in order to make you look bad - why?

I know you don't want to tell him you read his emails and I understand why, but you will never get this sorted unless you have a cards on the table conversation.

I do read my DH's texts and emails . I feel sneaky and not-so-good for doing it though, but I'm also one of the cynical ones.

I don't know what to make of the situation tbh. I'd be angry if my DH was being negative about me to his family or friends, although what he said was not actually that harsh I don't think.

I think you should make it very clear to him that you two SERIOUSLY need to talk and it's very important for the future of your marriage to do so. His reaction to that will tell you what you need to know I think.

But don't let on to him you looked at his emails - that will cause all sorts of problems.

Good Luck x

OP, I would be fuming if I was you, however, I think you are completely and utterly missing the point. Your dh is unhappy. Those are some very strong words in his email. I would focus on that rather than the sideshow that is the dynamics with your in-laws. I wouldn't mention the reading of the emails as that will then become the subject of the discussions between you rather than the unhappiness and mistrust in the relationship.

Btw as to whether I read my DHs emails? No, our personal emails are linked to each other so if you log into one you can go into the other. Have only ever accidentally gone into his emails once and even then I came out of it pretty quickly.

"I have never opened a letter addressed to DH, read his emails or checked his texts. Think it is bang out of order - total violation of privacy and trust.

But I suspect you've done this because you know something is very wrong. It's born out of insecurity. It sounds as though your DH is very unhappy. The email sounds as though your DH thinks you are volatile/fiery. You need to address the issues with him. I really think that relationship counselling would help. Either you both want to move forward together or you don't. If I were you, I'd sit your DH down, tell him you sense he is unhappy, you love him, you want to put things right, and you think that counselling is the right approach."

I'd agree with that 100%

OP weren't you the poster from the summer who complained that her H didn't follow even basic hygiene rules and consequently your sex life had stopped? If so, I remember advising that poster that this was more than just a problem about hygiene - it was about her being manipulated in the relationship. In effect, the H in that case was deliberately making himself unsexy and undesirable, but letting her take the blame when she (quite understandably after so many appeals for change) went off sex with him.

Haven't searched and have only just come across this thread, but for some reason the name stuck in my mind. If I'm right, then it was true all along - there are huge problems in this relationship and how under-invested he is in it. He also sounds like an arch-manipulator.

This man has got one foot out of the door and it sounds as though he is justifying leaving, before he does it. But OP beware, because if you are that same poster, he will deflect as much blame as is humanly possible onto you. Be prepared and don't let him play games with your head.

This rings bells Wwifn , something similar went on with my exh and ive never thought about it like that . He started to get stinky too , at first i thought he was perhaps depressed , letting himself go. It gradually got worse and worse and he developed other unpleasant habits too .

I found it repulsive and obviously gently told him so , but it got worse and worse . Eventually i was repulsed by him and avoided going near him , he of course whinged that i never wanted sex . Occasionally id feel guilty and make an effort but,,,he,d got bad in that department too , he was useless and it was quite awful. In general he was a horrible manipulative little man but id never considered that stinkyness was a part of it.

Funny though , because he had an affair , and ow commented to me that he was stinky and unwashed . Bit of a highjack there - sorry.

Sometimes I think they are so concentrated in playing the victim role that they do not have the courage to call the relationship off. It doesn't fit the lies/image they have created of themselves.