I'm so angry, my husband is so selfish and immature!

[LillaC]

I've never posted anything here before but I'm so angry and have no one to talk to. I'm in a, what I think at least, loving marriage. I'm 36 w pregnant with our third child and we have a 2 yr and 4 yr old. I'm really struggling with this pregnancy, I'm so uncomfortable at this stage, very tired yet can't sleep at night and have had a terrible cold for over a week that's completely wiped me out.

Last night my husband went out on a bender (without any indication that he was going to be late from work, so I was really worried and couldn't sleep) and came back at 3 am this morning. Then he called me this afternoon and said that didn't I understand that the reason he got so drunk last night was that it is so hard for him right now and that he misses his wife - i.e. I don't give him enough sex. I'm so tired and emotional I burst into tears. He then went on to go drinking all afternoon with a colleague and came home at 7 pm tonight again really drunk - when the kids were still up! He went straight to bed without talking to me. I'm fuming!

Normally we have sex a couple of times a week and we've kept pretty active throughout the pregnancy as I know it's really important to him but the last week I've been so sick I really couldn't. Also, last time we had sex I had a big bleed afterwards which turned out to be nothing but really scared me. What does he expect from me? It's so selfish to escape to drinking - I wish I could escape too sometimes but I'm stuck at home always with the kids - and does he think I'm enjoying being heavily pregnant, with back ache, the cramping, varicose veins, incontinence, you name it. The last thing on my mind is sex!!! What's the big deal if we don't have sex for a few months, we're in this for the long run and there are other ways of showing love and intimacy.

I'm so disappointed, I had expected him to be much more supportive and mature about this. What should I say to him? :(

Hi I'm new to this my husband and I have a lot of bills going out. We earn 4500 between us monthly, this sounds good but our bills add up to 2400 month not including petrol or food bills. Nosy question how much do you have after bills? I'm asking as we are ready to sign for our mortgage to new house and want to know are we going to be comfortable. We have three kids

Oh no I've posted on wrong forum I'm so sorry

but who would wwant to have sex with a selfish immature arse? not very alluring is he!.

sex is a mutual thing. If you don't want it because you are too tired and don't feel like it he has no right to pressure you into it. that is just tough luck on his part andhe can look at his own actions to see how he could make you feel less tired, and himself a more attractive propostion.

You've become an indulgent parent because for the most part, you give him what he wants (third child, frequent sex) but as soon as you don't, he acts out.

You're not a performing monkey, you have needs too and while his upbringing and high sex drive may be the driver for his immature behaviour, they don't excuse it.

He's not really interested in your needs because they're secondary to his andI wouldn't be so quick to attribute poor communication skills as the reason for his infrequent bouts of excessive drinking. This behaviour is very manipulative because it keeps his supposed 'need shortage' at the top of the agenda and youprobably haven't realised it but this selfishness has contributed to your 'handling' of him.

Unraveling and correcting this dysfunctional dynamic will probably need professional support but right now your immediate focus is on your unborn child and the children you gave birth to

He really piled the guilt and pressure onto you with that phrase "I really love you, it's not your fault you can't give me what I need", just awful, all about him.

Relationships are about compromise, give and take, not one person wanting everything their way with no regard to the needs, feeling or wishes of the other person.

I think you need a strong discussion with him, write points down beforehand if you think you may get frustrated and angry, he needs to realise that there are two of you in the relationship and both of you deserve equal consideration.

I find the implication that he is pressuring you to have sex with him to keep him happy very uncomfortable.

This thread is over 4 years old.

we've kept pretty active throughout the pregnancy as I know it's really important to him

What is important to him? Coming inside you or having the closeness, intimacy & pleasure that you are enjoying your union with him?

Because in all honesty, it doesn't sound like he thinks anything else of you than a baby maker/child raiser/someone to bow to his every whim!

He doesn't have problems expressing his feelings... he has a problem with you not acquiescing to every single one of his demands.

In other words, he wants to & thinks he can control you!

I did manage to tell him I thought he was totally immature for coming back drunk again instead of talking to me. Not immature, very clever actually. By staying out late again, he is telling you that your feelings are not important & by getting drunk & leaving you to deal with the kids, he is avoiding you telling him, again, how his behaviour makes you feel. Getting drunk is avoiding behaviour & he is avoiding your feelings, because to him, they don't matter.

how it's not my fault that I can't give him what he needs man has no needs other than food & water. And he can do that himself. He doesn't NEED sex. No one NEEDS sex.

but I'm also scared of how he'll react Do you often find your self scared of his reactions?

Opps didn't see the date!

Oh bugger that'll teach me to look more closely at the date in future.

I know it's an old thread but it's shocking that a woman who's 36 weeks' pregnant should be sleeping on the sofa because her husband is too drunk to sleep with.

I was fucking fuming for her. (noticed the date when I'd decided to post)

This fuckwittery is very often the 'way of things'. If he can do it once, he will continue to disregard her feelings and fuck off and get trashed whenever the mood takes him. Talking from experience!

Arsehole.

I would love an update if the OP is around!

No, my mouth hangs open too, Has he ever spent a nano second considering your pregnancy, the weight, the discomfort & the whole list of symptoms, & blubber boy goes on a drinking spree because he wants sex... well he can use his right hand fgs, he should be at home running you a bath & reading a story to the children, not wallowing in his imaginary misery. He needs a big slap round the chops.
Personally I would push him out of the bed onto the floor where he can sleep off his bender, & tomorrow tell him you need a man not selfish child as a partner & to suck it up. & if there is a 3rd time it will the last.
Very cross for you. Grrrrrrrrr