Unfinished business in long-finished relationships. Your thoughts appreciated.

[redshoesbluefrock]

Hello,

I'm a MN regaular but I've name changed for this thread as it's very personal.
About six years ago I finished a relationshop with a man I'd been with for eight years and was about to marry. The relationship had never felt 'right' but we were young when we got together, it ebbed away at my confidence to break free and I knew no different. Looking back now, he was an immature and unstable person with a very fragile ego and abusive past. He often behaved towards me in a way that was emotionally and psychologically abusive and he had real difficulties sustaining relationships with friends and family. Much of the reason I stayed with him was becuase I was scared of what would happen to him if I left. I left him shortly before our wedding, having realised (just) that I could not sacrifice my happiness for someone else and having met (but not begun a relationship with) the wonderful man who I am now married to.

The break up was very painful for him and it became evident to me that any contact was not an option (he would threaten me, beg me, become very upset etc). So I have had no contact for five years. That having been said, he was not a bad person, I have some happy memories of our times and travels together and I wish him no ill.

My life now really is lovely. I have a fantastic husband and child, lots more friends, a great career and feel like I am able to be the strong, interesting (read, mouthy!), fun-loving person that I really am. I am really very happy and fulfilled.

But.... there is evidently a part of me that feels there is some 'unfinished business' from my previous relationship. I often dream about my ex partner. Normally these dreams relate to him trying to do something to harm me or my family, becoming angry or doing something unreasonable like breaking into our house. Sometimes the dreams are sexual, which is rather peturbing. Last night I dreamed that he was the father of my daughter, which was very upsetting. I am aware that I have some feellings of anger and frustration about the way he treated me during our relationship and my failure to stand up for myself and move on sooner. Sometimes I get a really strong need to know that he's okay.

I'd really appreciate your thoughts about how to put some of these issues to bed. Obviously 'having it out with him' is not an option but I feel uneasy knowing there is still a part of me that has not 'moved on' in an otherwise happy and successful life.
Thanks in advance....

Trauma of the kind you obviously experienced can go very deep. If you were seriously frightened/abused, you may have parked it until a time when you felt ready to deal with it. This happened to someone very dear to me, who was sexually abused as a child and only recovered the memories at the age of 39, when he had created a safe enough life and set of relationships to support him through the pain of remembering.

Your mind has been doing the best thing it could have done, in letting you bury your feelings of rage and frustration for some years, but if you've now put enough distance between you and the situation it might be time to find a sympathetic therapist with experience of working with survivors of domestic abuse and who can help you work your feelings through.

The key thing to remember is: while you may find yourself wondering how he is doing, this isn't really about him - it's about your feelings, your current life and your long-term happiness. Good luck x

I found it v hard to leave my highly unsuitable ex, I was physically sick twice before finally telling him. Nearly twenty years on, happily married with dc etc, I still dream about him, usually that I haven't explained it's over, and I'm having to go back to him.

God knows why...

I think it may be unwise to read too much into dreams.

I still occasionally dream about my ex, including that he is the father of my DS, and he didn't have any abusive traits - he left me 3m before our wedding but that is now 15 years ago ( that it's so long!). We were together for 11y prior to that, so maybe that's why he's so embedded in my psyche - it always pisses me off immensely when I dream about him because I don't at all want to - but still, sometimes I do.

And like Hully - sometimes these dreams involve me having to go back to him - again, God knows why! Last thing I want to do! The worst ones are where I seem to have to make a choice between DH and that man, and seem to be being pushed into choosing him, not DH - they're dreadful.

So - my point - dreams are a PITA and should be ignored. HTH! [hsmile]

I agree with pottonista. I lived through 7 years of DV and abuse with exh and I still dream about him occasionally. I also have to meet him regularly as he's the father of my dcs. It has taken years for things to settle into a non-emotional state.

I would say it sounds likely that there is unresolved and confused emotion from your time with your ex - I think some sessions with a suitable counsellor would help (perhaps a psychodynamic one who will concentrate more on the impact of your past). As you are in a strong and happy place now in your life, it is a stable time for you to look at past issues and lay them to rest.

should perhaps have mentioned that I have had several years of counselling of different types and yet still the dreams come..

I'm not sure what it's about...it sounds as though he was very bad for you though. Why were you originally drawn to someone with these issues? Maybe it's not about him at all but someone in your early life who behaved in a similar way?

I opened the thread as I recently started seeing someone I was with for several years, a long time ago. It certainly feels unfinished and I think it's interesting to explore what the reality of it is now we are both older and a bit different.

I'm trying to put the past into a kind of perspective I suppose. However it's safe for me to do so as the worst thing he tends to do is leave (run away because he can't handle emotional stress) and I'm entirely prepared for that this time.

I hope you manage to resolve whatever is troubling you. I would recommend some counselling or just some self counselling, ie reading and or writing about it till you fall asleep. It often helps me work things out.

I have had lots of dreams over the years with an ex and quite often there are lots of lingering looks and the odd kiss. I think we had sex once. I know I still fancy him like mad but have decided that the dreams mean nothing as I would be scrambled egg if I thought they did.

You have to laugh.

Sorry it was the scrambled egg that made me giggle.

I so know what you mean

Sorry though, it wasn't very sensitive of me.

Don't be daft I knew what you were trying to say and I know you know what I am saying.

Thanks so much for your thoughts everyone, some really useful insights.

I have thought about going to counselling but, apart from the dreams, which are peturbing but do not impact on my life in a significant way, I feel fine and happy with my life. Mostly I just feel incredibly relieved about having had such as narrow escape (from marrying this man). I wonder if going over the issues again with a counsellor would just turn a molehill into a mountain, if you see what I mean and would just be a little self-indulgent. I think that part of the problem is that I have never really told anyone, even close friends and family (although I think they had an idea) quite how bad things sometimes became, perhaps for fear of apprearing foolish for staying with him for so long.

It is really reassuring to know that other people have this experience too, I thought that I was suffering from a pathological failure to move on!

redshoes, reading your post I feel like I could have written it myself. I was also in a relationship like the one you describe, with a man who was emotionally and psychologically abusive. Shamefully, it ended not because I found the strength to end it or even realised it was emotionally abusive, but because I met another (my DH) who inadvertently made me realise what I wasn't getting from my ex.

For me too it ended very badly, with threats of violence and then pleas for pity. There are many unresolved issues for me too. There can never be contact with him again, yet there are so many things I want to say to him, just to get closure on my part.

But, that will never happen. I don't actually want to speak to him again or see him or have anything to do with him at all. But, there is unfinished business.

My ex still comes to me in dreams at times - sometimes we're talking about the 'good old days', getting along fine, other times I'm married to him and wondering how this nightmare came about.

I think the feeling of unfinished business, though, as another poster pointed out, is what an abused person feels. Maybe there's a bit of guilt in there that it didn't work out, regardless of how unhealthy the relationship actually was.

I don't really have any advice for you. For me, I've learned that I have to find closure myself. Being happy with my DH and DD certainly helps with that.

I think I've resigned myself to knowing that there is a part of my past that will always be painful for me to revisit. I know now what the issues were and how they have impacted on me, so I don't know whether counselling would be beneficial. And, as you say, life is happy now anyway and not suffering for this past relationship.

So, I don't know. I'm glad you posted about this though because it helps me in knowing that I'm not the only one to have gone through this.

I think there is never any closure from abusive relationships , they dont hear you or see you , your not a real person to them . If you havent already , would it help you to read about why he was abusive ,and why you responded as you did ?

I found writing hate mail letters , that i would never send realy usefull , gave me the chance to say everything i wanted to say , it didnt matter that he never read it.

Aww my crossing out didnt work !

Yes, writing it down is very helpful. Mine was 6 sides of A4 and it made me realise just how terrible it all was.

Absolutely fabulous- it isn't shameful that meeting your dh was the eye-opener you needed to end this relationship. I met my dh at towards the end of an abusive relationship. I knew it was going to end, but not how. I thought he might end up killing me if I am brutally honest. However, I met dh who was so supportive and gave me the strength to escape that situation. I don't think I could have it without him.
Dignified/ Mole 1- writing it down is helpful and helps to clarify I think. I do it in lots of 'difficult' situations now to help me focus- still cannot deal with anything vaguely confrontational so having stepped away and written things down really helps.

My abusive H died almost a year ago; he fell sick and died within three weeks of cancer that no one had spotted. Obviously there will never be any way to sort out our issues and I have found that I cannot bear to be in the same room as my SIL who I always thought was very much like him. I have actually told her that I don,t wish to see her and will call her when I am ready ( which may be never ) and I feel that I have transfered my issues with my H onto SIL, but now I have control so I guess thats one way I'm working it through.

I sometimes dream H is back and the dreams have altered slightly as probate is coming to an end and my life is changing, but the theme is always H back, I thought he had died, I have to tell him I have thrown out his clothes/got his money/and now I have a new partner, tell him about DP. He is still sick in my dream but I don't know when he will pass away and I don't know what he is going to do next ( I never knew what he was going to do next when he was alive ). They do have a panicky, nightmarish quality to them and I have just accepted now that I will probably have another. I saw my counsellor and he said that they were quite normal under the circumstances of my release from the marriage and will lessen as time passes. I could never properly grieve my H as his abusive controlling behaviour made it difficult for me to love him and I stayed because of DCs.

I also dream regularly of my ExH. There is much that is unresolved as he ran away two and a half years ago leavcing me with a very young baby, and I have never seen him since. He had planned it and I had no idea.

I dream often that he has come back, that we are back together but he is being a smirky deceitful aggressive silent bastard and I am despairing that I took him back....I shout at him 'but I took you back after disappeared to shag whores for a year' (this is what I actually shout in the dream )

I am always a thousand per cent relieved to wake up and find it was all just that - a nightmare/dream.

I too would never want to speak to or see him again now. I hope he never suddenly writes to me or god forbid, tries to return to this country and see ds.

I have come to terms with this 'unresolved' stuff now though, for the most part. It is just so normal I think, for the brain to range around in your sleep, asking 'what if's' and imagining scenarios...trying to question this person or that. The brain is resolving it all itself by doing this, iykwim.

I wouldn't worry about it at all. Not even the sexual stuff. I used to dream much more frequently that exh and I were having sex and then I would shout the whores thing at him.

Its all ghastly but totally understanable I guess.

Just be glad these abusive flawed men are not in our lives anymore and celebrate what we have I say.

I'm always pleased when I have a shouting-at-the-ex dream. He makes regular appearances as a lovely person, though, and in sex dreams. Two therapists of mine had differing theories about dreams: I'm not saying I feel either of them is right; I don't care much about my dreams except when they're really yelling something useful at me!

Anyway, one therapist says every character in the dream is a different aspect of yourself. This can be a useful way of looking at dreams you have whilst you're chewing over a problem.

Another said your unconscious mind just pulls out vaguely-appropriate images to use in the story: they're symbols, rather than representations of the actual person. So a sex dream might involve anybody you've ever had sex with, thought fleetingly about having sex with, or was the last male you saw on TV! (Gosh, the weather man must feature in a lot of steamy episodes.)