'D'H finally taken the step and seen the Dr about his drinking

[eandh]

'D'h and I have never agreed about drinking (I rarely drink maybe once a year, he likes to drink socially but also at least once a month at home on his own and lkies about it and hides bottles etc..this has been going on for last 10 years on and off)

He left back in August saying he needed space however I discovered he had been having an affair (mainly texting and calling but he had met her 3/4 times) anyway after lots of lies etc (he stayed at his parents) after 7 weeks he appeared to realise what he had lost (I was coping fine with the dd's and house/bills etc and didnt ever contact him unless about the dd's) 2 weeks gao he begged for another chance, he said the right things, did the right things we had a date (minus the children) he stepped up with helping with dd's/house and generally being the man I fell in love with 14 years ago.

In the last 2 weeks he hasnt had a single drink, evern when we went for a meal he had a coke then water but yesterday I took dd's out for the day to visit my aunt and he was meant to be playing golf (got cancelled due to weather) got home at 5pm and knew he had been drinking (can tell from looking at him and listening to him) he however lost the plot when I challenged him he proceeded to punch a hole in the internal door, swear and shout and pettrify the dd's (especially dd1 who is just 6 and traumatised over when he left) I managed to get teh dd's into the car get my bag and get myself in car and lock us in before he came out I went for a drive and assumed he would leave the house. Came back left dd's in car whilst I checked house thought he had gone so got them in but he had been in the garden he went back to shouting and telling me he was going to kill himself, texting absolute crap to people and accusing me of having affair with my friends dh (they live 4hours drive away!) I tried calling his best friend who was in london at a meeting but offered to get train to come and get him (friend is dd's godfather and fantastic support) however it had got so violent that I managed to call his parents to collect him (if they hadnt answered next step would have been police)

DD2 in the middle of this fell alseep in her bed but DD1 saw and heard everything. I hid in dd2 bedroom with DD1 till in laws arrived when 'd'h launched into a full swearing and verbal attack on his dda who got him in his car and took him away. Cue 2 hours of texts/phone calls (turned my phone off and unplugged home phone in end) but today he has been to see doctor (MIL said he asked for number she didnt do it for him) and been this morning (he and seeing a councillor at 2.30 this afternoon (his best friend taking day off work and is goingt o be going with him to make sure he goes in) as much as I want him to sort the drinking out I have said very clearly in a text for the time being that neither myself or the dd's can be in his company for their safety and my sanity

How the hell did my life become this messy??

Sorry you are going through this, it does sound really messy, but is the biggest problem the drinking?
Sounds to me that there are other psychological things going on here, and the drink has just set him off into some sort of breakdown.

At least he has gone to do something about it, taking the first step and going to the GP isn't easy, especially for men. Hope you get it sorted out soon.

How awful for you. Are your girls ok today? I'm sure they will be fine but probably need to keep close to you for the next few days and have lots of calm hometime. I hope you can place some distance between you and your Hs problems.

None of this is your fault. NONE of it. You are doing absolutely the right thing in having your H removed from the house and into a treatment programme - his behaviour is so extreme that he needs to go into some sort of residential unit for a while, by the sound of it. If/when he is lucid enough to speak to, tell him he can't come back to live in the house until he's been sober for at least a year and that he wil only be allowed supervised contact with DDs for the time being (and none at all until you have seen a proper report from Drs saying he is stable enough).
As for your DD1, tell her (repeatedly if necessary) that Dad is ill, that he loves her but until he's better he can't see her.
Best of luck. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Thats what I am thinking to be honest for years I have asked him to go to and get help but it has finally taken this to make him do it (it needed to be his choice)

I don't know where all of this has come from, it's been a tough year (his uncle and my Nan died his Mum got taken very seriously ill on holiday in France for 3 weeks and he was put at risk of redundancy that lasted 13 weeks thankfully kept his job (one of 13 as 30 made redundant) am not sure if it is a build up of things or if he is having some sort of mid life crisis but am so so tired and worn out and have the dd's with me so trying to keep 'happy' face on (should be at work today but asked for emergency leave)

DD2 is fine but DD1 very clingy ..they have a halloween party to go to today and they want to go and I am staying to help and if it gets too much for DD1 we can leave. Have told them lots that the Daddy they saw last night is not the same Daddy that they know and love and that he needs help to make him better. Have asked MIL to get his keys from him so I can have door key back as DD1 needs reassurance that he cannot come in and out as he pleases

Do you think this is a drink problem or something else?

When he drinks socially, does he get drunk? Does he set out to get drunk? Is he abusive when he's drunk?

When he drinks at home (you say once a month), what is he like then? Does he seem more depressed when he's drinking?

That's good that you'll be with them for the party, especially a scary one. The keys will help too if you get those back. You are doing brilliantly to be able to discuss with your DD what will help her feel secure and act on that. She's lucky to have such a supportive mum. I hope you can be together all weekend as well.

But so tough on you having to do the brave face stuff. Do you have a friend who could come round one evening to help you process all of this?

I know its probably perfectly possible for a person who only drinks once a month and still have a drink problem but I wonder whether drink is the only problem here? I wonder whether this paranoia about you having an affair has come out of the bottom of a bottle? surely it must have been in his mind before.

Could he have a mental illness and trying to self medicate with drink?

When he goes out with friends or if we go out as ac ouple with other people he will drink and be merry but doesnt seem to know when tto stop (and certainly noticed in last few years that he cannot drink as much as he used too) he can be quite funny drunk but then one extra drink and he can get really stroppy and thinks everyone is against him. Its the drinking at home that has always concerned me he would sya he had bought 4 cans or a bottle of wine but once I had gone to bed (always go earlier as dd2 a early riser) then he would continue drinking (having hidden his extra bottles/can in the garden/car) I always found out in the end as he is a useless liar. He doesnt seem to have an 'off' button just carries on till he passes out

Re the affair no idea where he got that idea from, obviously he had been having the affair and I think he would like to think I had doen something to relieve him of his guilt. The friend he is talking about lives 4 hours away and only met her DH once (and my 'd'h was there as we all met at legoland for a weekend) I think he thought I would be begging him to come back when he left but I discovered the affair and then got strong and realised he wasnt an example to our dd's in fcat he was everything I wouldnt want them to have as a partner in years to come. I honestly think he had nothing else to get angry with me about so the drink twists things in his mind (I said I had text friends DH but its friends birthday this month and I always text her DH regarding present have done for last few years)

I did start having a social life when he left (never been a big one to go out etc) and I feel he got jealous because I went and got a life (he has always had night out every 4-6 weeks but because on the occasions I went out he would drink I never went anywhere as didnt like leaving the dd's with him) on the nights I went out my parents had the dd's (in fact in all the time since he left he has never had them overnight only for a few hours here and there)

DD1 has gone off to her friends to get ready for party and thankfully her friends mum has been through all of this so knew most of what had happened just updated her a bit about last night in case DD1 mentions it.

Regarding friends I have the most supportive friends in the world, my 2 best friends are both feloow Mumsnetters although one lives 4 hours away she has been on teh phone all the time and other best friend only 10mins away and I know she would always have the dd's or all of us if we turned up on her door step. Have a great wider range of friends and most of them know about affair but not about last night. IL's were a bit 'off' about the seperation and ignored the 'affair' but have been supportive since last night (having actually seen him) my parents know we seperated but not anything else (long story there!)

Missed some answers in last post

Am not sure if he sets out to get drunk or whetehr he genuinley doesnt know when to stop, he always regrets it the next day but doesnt realise what he is doing when he is doing it!

Not normally aggressive can get a bit moany/dawdly iygwim but then normally I have gone to bed and don't see it. I know when he is out with friends he likes to tell tales of when they were all younger etc.

Regarding mental illness I honestly believe he had some sort of break down last night his eyes were glassed over and strange voice, I think other people would think drugs but I am 99.9% certain that no drugs involved

yeah does sound like a drink problem then but maybe something else as well. Sunds like he is in need of some serious treatment for whatever it is.

You are lucky to have such good friends at least.

It sounds as though he is drinking to supress other feelings IYSWIM. The 'afair' would point to that also.

He is clearly struggling with something. He has a 'trigger' not just a drink problem. If he can go for weeks at a time, then drink for no apparent reason, I'd say there is more to this than drinking.

You are not at fault here but you are the ones in the firing line. Especially the DDs. It's so sad when this happens, because watching the person you fell in love with and still do by the sounds of it, go through a change like this hurts.

He'll take it out on you or the house. He needs to get help and I'm glad he has gone to the doctors. This all needs unravelling in small parts, one step at a time.

It won't be nice for any of you but if he has shown you that he can be the man you want, then he is still in there somewhere.

Don't blame yourself for this though, these are his demons to face.

councillor has told him he is a functioning alcoholic, she asked him that if he went in pub could he have one pint and then leave and he admitted that once he has had one drink he wants more and after 3 or 4 he feels he has to continue. she has given him a 24 hour telephone helpline and advised that he attends weekly meetings (held on Tuesday nights and only about 15mins walk from our house but he will be at his parents for the forseeable future so will have to bike there)

She has explained that he needs to understand that he cannot have one drink he needs to be able to work out what causes himt o drink when he does (it appears to be boredom) and he thrives on training (he competes in triathlons etc) so she said he must find something to do when the urge to drink gets strong ideally go out on his bike/for a rum but realistically this would not also be practical/doable so she has asked him to think of something else that would help him (maybe learning to use laptop/how to download music for trainings essions on ipod etc)

Have spoke to him on phone and he understands how angry and dissapointed I am and that although I may in time be able to support him at the moment my focus is on me and my dd's. He asked to speak to DD1 and apologised for his behaviour and reassured her that he isnt well and getting help and that he loves her so much and she seems alot more contented tonight (although still not alseep)

He knows that he will not be coming back into this house for a long time if ever and that the phase actions speak louder than words are very apt at the moment

battery dying on laptop so may dissappear not sure how I am feeling

I discovered the affair early September and had been dealing with that (have had counselling through my work) and have 'dealt' withthe drinking in the past by ignoring it but last night was the final straw and now need to focus on me and the dd's

Its the best thing at the moment him being out of the house, I am the friend who lives four hours away and it was awful listening to him screaming last night whilst dd1 was awake and me being so far away unable to do anything.

It has to be your decision if you have him back but he does need to sort himself out first mate because you dont deserve that type of crap in your life.

Eandh you are just the lovliest, kindest person you could ever wish to meet and you deserve so much better for you and the girls. I am here day and night for you and I may not be able to pop round for a chat but im always at the end of the phone.

One thing before I go you must have been spending alot on petrol doing a 8 hour round trip to get jiggy with my dh .

Look love it doesn't matter whether he's having a nervous breakdown, an ickle bitty psychosis or is just your bog-standard alcoholic. It's not your fault. He's an adult, and it's up to him to go and seek help and get well; in the mean time, keep him out of your house, put your DDs and yourself first. If he's a nice man suffering an acute mental illness, when he's well again he will understand why you cut him off - to protect yourself and DDs, and he will take his reconnecting with DDs slowly and gently. If he's a selfish, entitled, not-going-to-bother-to-get-better dickhead that you are well rid of, it will be rapidly obvious. Get all the boundaries in place fast - that he is not allowed in the house, that any contact he has with DDs is in a contact centre and supervised, and there is to be none until you have a certification of some kind that he is stable enough to be allowed to see them. Any concessions on these reasonable boundaries that are in place for you and DDs wellbeing have to be earned by him.

i would also say that if he comes around at all in any kind of state you just call 999.

keeping it "in the family" ie calling inlaws before police... keeping it away from police/paramedics, well it doesnt help in long term.

also laughalot - i think you could agree with OP that if you hear such things again you will call police from your end....

now that it has happened you know the score...no second chances...

ps how do you know what councillor said? did she call you? or is his version?

"ps how do you know what councillor said? did she call you? or is his version?"

Must be his version: counselling is confidential. I'm wondering how he got to see one so speedily.

I get the feeling that there might be more to this than drink too.

yeah the speed of the counselling session rang bells with me too.

Hi,

I know what happened at counselling as he told me but also his best friend (who I trust 100%) accompanied him and also told me what was said. She wanted to send him some things to read via email but he doesnt use laptop/email so he asked if it was okay for it to be sent ot my email and I would print and give to IL's for him to read. She called me but she only really spoke to me about sending the things to my email address and nothing she specifically discussed with him (she also gave me some support group websites/contact numbers and the meeting times of a local al anon group)

He was just very lucky with counsellor as his Doctors surgery linked to a unit and there as a cancellation that day otherise the next appointment was Tuesday next week

as hard as it is i think you need to cut off more - he had an affair, he's just now been aggressive towards you and violent.. leave his best friend and your ILs to receive email etc for him.

please call councillor back and tell her to send emails via his friend. tho do contact al anon etc.

you really need to focus on you and your dc.

have been/am in similar situaiton (diff reasons more MH no drink to blame! but similar outcome) and becoming part of his solution may not work long term...

this is the beginning of a long haul...

ps why on earth doesnt he use email? he can go to internet cafe/library and get hotmail account. it does not make sense in 2010 to say "oh i dont use email" i dont believe it...unless he has some kind of special needs?

thanks for the advice and am taking it all on bored. He has never really be interested in computer/internet (my MN habit meant I have always been main use of laptop) he has no idea of how to connect laptop to internet (he doesnt use computer/laptop/internet in his job as manual working) Have offered in past to show him but he has never been that fussed (can just about work his ipod but I used to load all music on. I have printed the info she sent me and passed it to in laws for him and will suggest maybe SIL does a crash course on internet with him (PIL do have a notebook that is never used so he could use that)

Have my parents here today and they have taken the dd's out for a long walk whilst dinner cooking so am enjoying the peace at the moment. Am actually glad half term nearly over as DD1 functions much better in her normal routine plus get a few hours minus either of them as DD2 will be at preschool Tues/weds and thurs mroning