how to get a marriage back on track

[driedapricots]

my marriage is at breaking point, for a variety of reasons. this weekend we're sending the children to my parents so we can have some time together to talk through all our issues and try to get back on track. has anyone any advice? i know this is all a bit abstract but really it's too long and complicated to go into the detail as to why we're in a mess..suffice to say 2 children under 3, redundancy, drink issues/depression and lack of sex are all factors. the latest flashpoint was finding my Dh searching internet for porn last night - something i had no idea he did and whilst it's not a big deal to me in itself it has underlined how little i know him these days. he has always (told me has) a low sex drive and since ds we've only had sex once in 3 months but i did have a c-sect and spd and utter lack of sleep etc etc...he doesn't even really try to make a move on me so i didn't think it was a huge issue and things would slowly get back to normal once we re-adjusted to life with 2 kids. he also told me last night he doesn't feel the same about his ds as he did his dd when she was born and doesn't know if he can be the father he wants to be. his dad left his mum when he was 6 and i feel like he's on self destruct in a wierd way emulating that past pattern... the problem is i think both of us harbour so much resentment against each other and lines of communication have really become defensive and accusatory (is that a word?!!).we both say we want the marriage to work though so i know it's worth saving. has anyone advice for me...i feel so sad we might fail at this and ruin 2 innocent children's lives.

That's sounds really tough for you both. But excellent that you have time to re-connect this weekend.

I suggest you make time for each of you to describe your issues in ways which are not accusatory or blaming. Try and describe what you each need tochange in the relationship. Can you then try and Suggest how these changes could be accommodated? A long walk might be a good place to open up or a long bath if it's raining.

Have either of youvisited the GP about the depression? Untreated depression could be at the basis for a lot of things as it can have a knock on effect on every aspect of life.

this sounds soo much like my marriage before it ended 2 weeks ago (he left us - 2 kids age 3 and 4 and my 14 yr old son).

i caught my xh looking at internet porn a few times. in the end i sort of had no choice to accept it :(
what hurt most was when i found he was looking at real women doing dirty acts.
seemed more acceptable when they were paid actresses - but real girls hurt me.

imho i think most blokes use porn cos they aint got enough brain cells to feed their imaginations...

if i were in your shoes i would use this weekend to laugh as much as possible
the couple who laugh together - stay together!!
watch a funny film or a good stand-up dvd.

i wish i had been given the opportunity you have hun. it shows you both have enough respect for your marriage and family to make it last.

good luck and keep us posted
now go find your matching underwear ;o)

xxx

Talk, talk, talk. Be honest. Tell him you love him and really want to stay together and check he feels the same. Once you've established that, then try to tease out (hateful expression but can't think of another one) what's gone wrong. Don't accuse.
Re: the porn (or whatever else), try to avoid telling him if you think he's a twisted sick bastard, but approach along the lines of "when you say/do this, I feel that." of "why do you feel you need to view those sites? What do you get from tem that you feel I can't/don't give you?"
It's a bit counsellor-speak, but they recommend that for a reason. If he feels attacked, you'll get nowhere.

thanks ladies.
sunflower - i'm sorry.

will let you know how we go
x

Perhaps your Dh can look into counselling as it sounds like at least some if these issues come from his father leaving him as a child. It may not have hit home with DD but now he has a son is coming to the surface.