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Original poster

What should I do?

15 replies

splashy · 28/10/2010 23:46

sort of an aibu but posting here because i need gentle replies. am rather fragile atm.

background: my dd is 4 weeks old. am married but separated from her father. he was verbally and physically abusive throughout my pregnancy but it took me a rediculously long time to realise how wrong his behaviour was. kept on hoping he would change (yes stupid i know)

since she was born he has seen her 3 times, each time organised by me. he did demand to see her at other random times at short notice, but when i said that i coudnt make them he gets angry (one of these days was when i was graduating, so he knew i wouldnt be free). refuses to organise something that suits both of us.

he saw her today for the third time with his parents there (i insisted on it being chaperoned because of his past behaviour). they took lots of photos of her, ignored me, didn't ask me if i needed any help/ anything for her. i thought maybe seeing her would trigger him to want to take some responsibilty.

i feel incredibly hurt that him and his parents see her as an animal in the zoo they can see when is convenient for them but not offer any support - practical or financial. i asked him several times for help and the reply always is 'why cant someone else do it?'

would it be unreasonable for me to say any communication now should be through lawyers and contact via a contact centre? all he does is hurt me, and so far has shown very little interest in seeing her anyway. i feel like i have given him his chance.

sorry for the lack of punctuation, am typing and bfing!

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 28/10/2010 23:58

Don't have much advice as I don't really know the legalities of the situation. But there is certainly nothing wrong in insisting all communication is written. I would speak to a solicitor about access through a contact centre - they would know best. If he is going to muck around (and he sounds like he might) e-mail is probably the best way to go. Then you have it writing.

I would advise you though to try not to get sucked into conversations, keep contact from your end to a minimum, where and when to meet-up. Don't get drawn by inflammatory remarks etc. Also don't expect him to ever step up to being a father. He probably won't.

blinks · 29/10/2010 00:02

do you not have a legal arrangement?

i would imagine a contact centre would be the best way forward with an agreed regularity.

is he not giving you any money?

Original poster
splashy · 29/10/2010 00:07

No legal arrangement as not yet divorced.

Haven't seen a lawyer yet as have been very busy with a newborn and have also been putting it off tbh.

He has given nothing. Refused to even buy nappies or a bouncer when I asked.

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 29/10/2010 00:11

splashy - definitely see a solicitor. This man is abusive. He will only respond to legal arrangements and the consequences of breaking them (and even then don't hold your breath - but that will be his problem). Don't try and sort this out yourself. It won't work and will be very messy and distressing.

blinks · 29/10/2010 00:11

see a lawyer pronto.

contact centre in meantime and don't negotiate with him... he sounds a right piece of work!

Original poster
splashy · 29/10/2010 00:19

I will organise a lawyer tomorrow. Just wondering am I wrong? Want my dd to have a father but he shows little interest.

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 29/10/2010 00:22

splashy - the fact he may not be a father and shows no interest is his choice. Just as it was his choice to be verbally and physically abusive to you. Not sure what you think you are wrong about?

blinks · 29/10/2010 00:25

of course you're not wrong!

Original poster
splashy · 29/10/2010 00:27

Scallops - restricting his contact until I get a contact centre arranged. He has shown so little interest that I think there just won't be any more. I know you're right, but I feel bad for my dd, she didn't choose him to be her father.

OP posts:
SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 29/10/2010 00:30

Write to him (or email and save a copy) informing him that you are consulting a solicitor in order to set up a formal contact arrangement as well as arrangements for maintenance, that he will be hearing from your solicitor and that you do not wish to hear from him in the meantime. If he phones, don't answer (or say 'You will be hearing from my solicitor' and hang up), if he turns up raging on the doorstep don't let him in - and call the police to remove him if he won't go away.
There is no point in trying to be reasonable with abusive men because they are not reasonable. The only way to deal with them is blank, smiling indifference and everything formalized legally.
Oh, and don't be upset if he threatens to sue for full custody or anything, because he won't get it and doesn;t really want it, he just wants to distress you.

TechLovingDad · 29/10/2010 00:30

Contact through solicitor only is a good idea.

Be prepared for him to never contact you again, though. he's not interested in being a father and your DD will be better off with no contact, if your ex is like that.

scallopsrgreat · 29/10/2010 00:35

Oh god no. Speak to a solicitor. Tell ex in writing that is what you have done to arrange contact and that you want all further conversations about this done in writing (or get the solicitor to do it). Nothing unreasonable about this.

Your DD doesn't need negative influences in her life. She will work out soon enough what the situation is. At the moment she doesn't care. You are all she needs.

I've got to go to bed now. Hopefully the night shift will be along. If not, I hope things seem better in the morning. Late at night things never look good.

And look for some RL support e.g. your parents; friends etc.

Anniegetyourgun · 29/10/2010 08:14

Don't feel stupid at taking so long to recognise his behaviour and put a stop to it, by the way. It takes many women (often strong, intelligent women) years to get out of abusive relationships. When you're pregnant is also a very difficult time to make life-changing decisions. So you have in fact done brilliantly.

lazarusb · 29/10/2010 12:59

I think you are really brave and I admire you Splashy. I stayed in an abusive relationship for years and regret it.
Contact a solicitor asap and start to set out some ground rules. Hopefully you will have people to support you- I would discount his parents and him from what you have said so far though. Your priority has to be you and your dd. I am not saying it will be easy, but you have been strong enough to make the right decisions so far. :) Don't let him manipulate you into feeling guilty, you have made the right decisions for you and dd. Be proud and stay strong. :)

diddl · 29/10/2010 13:38

I agree with contact through a solicitor only.

Re his parents-perhaps they felt very awkward at the whole situation.

If they are usually OK, perhaps contact with just them, although I wouldn´t worry about that yet.

Also, who knows what he may have said about you?

An ex of mine had an affair & his whole family reacted as if I must have been so awful that he was forced into itHmm

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