Why did you leave and how did you go about it?

[MildredTheMagnificent]

Am a regular poster of over 2 yrs but have name changed for this - sorry it's a long one....

My marriage has always been a bit of a rollercoaster. After 14 years we muddle along day-to-day ok but there is an ongoing combination of low-level indifference and irritation, compounded by major interference from the MIL and the fact that DH & I have virtually nothing in common.

Still I kind of feel like I don't have enough reason to call it a day. I am not convinced DH is entirely happy either but feel we're plodding along rather than endure the hassle of splitting up and the impact on DD who is 6.

I know if I was to instigate a split it would probably be a huge pride thing to DH. MIL would throw the full force of her personality and not inconsiderable bank account into the equation and I'm sure would do everything in her power to ensure that I came off as badly as possible especially wrt finances and probably trying to get custody of DD (DH would let her take over - he is totally incapable of standing up to her, even if he wanted to).

The thought of all this terrifies me as I have got elderly parents who are not in the best of health to contend with too (no other family locally and am an only child so completely my responsibility if they need me, which isn't regular/frequent at the moment but could become so at the drop of a hat).

After a recent rough patch, I have come to the conclusion that I will sit him down for a chat about what we both need from the relationship (with him it's all practical stuff, with me it's emotional issues).

I am then going to 'sort my own shit out' and get an escape fund together and see how it goes for the next 6 months, during which time I plan to see a solicitor and look into what help would be available to me financially so I am prepared practically if things don't improve

If we have another flare up or it gets to the point where I can't take anymore I plan to rent somewhere and move me and DD in whilst he is out of the way sometime and take it from there. I have no intention of disrupting his relationship with her long term, but want to be sure things are on an even keel first and feel if he knew something like this was coming that wouldn't happen.

Does this sound like a reasonable way to approach things? I haven't a clue and am frankly terrified but not at all sure I can do another 12 years until DD is grown up...

Am off for a bath now but will check back in later.

OK, I left it best part of another ten years before i finally accepted that I couldn't carry on anymore. DDs were 12 and 14. It was really hard and tbh still is at times. It's hard when your dd says you're the only one who's happier after the split and teenagers will. Guess my advice is if you feel this way now, take a good hard look inside yourself and figure out if you can feel this way for the next 12 years. If the answer is no then take a deep breath and do what you need to do. I wish I had.

Berries for you...hope it's a case of onwards and upwards for you now.
Dd is only 6 at the mo. Tbh what terrifies me is that they (him & MIL) would try to discredit me as a mum (suffered horrendous pnd when dd was born and still take ad's) or even snatch her. I don't have any real reason to think the latter but MIL is vile and devious to the point of being unhinged imho - we have had some ups but many more downs and are barely speaking at the mo. I know she would go to any lengths to protect him financially and ensure I got nothing from the house (it's in his name).

i recently instigated a split with my dh of 5 yrs(together for 9). dd is 7 and ds 2.
Its really sad for the kids but i couldn't go on anymore.I realised we were both unhappy in that plodding along way.I couldn't see anything to look forward too.I actually started not wanting to go home from work.i love dh,but not in the right way now.
Its all turned out ok,he moved out in august.with his parents.
He let me stay in our house for next few years then i have to sell so he can have his share of the equity.
I'm much happier.DD not so happy but i think she will be ok eventually.Ds seems fine.
Dh sees them a few times a week.Often when i'm working.
The weird thing is he looks after them at our house, so when i'm not working i go out and leave them to it.

Ella's - glad it is going ok for you.

I really don't want to leave but I also want someone I can truly share my life with and who cherishes me. I don't get that from Dh at all, and given the other hassles think maybe I'd be better off on my own.

Dh is very negative, I feel he has no 'soul' iykwim, and is very small-minded. If it doesn't concern him, his mates/family or sport he's not interested.

I am the polar opposite - love life, love people, will always look for a way of achieving something I want to do, even if it is difficult or will take years.

We got together when I was 20 - it probably sounds cheesy but I feel I went from girl to wife to mother without ever being a woman. I also feel like my wings are being not so much clipped as hacked off with a blunt knife.

Am wondering if there's an element of mid-life crisis going on at my end tbh !

I'd quietly go and see a solicitor, mtm
You don't have to act on it, but knowing where you stand will help prevent you feeling so intimidated
You have legal rights in the event of divorce no matter how unpleasant and bullying your mil can be or how rich she is
ime the dread of this kind of thing is worse than the reality
but then ex would be horrified to have custody, he gets tired enough after a fortnightly lunch with them

x posted
can't you explore being your own person within your marriage? grass isn't always greener
was for me tho, I have to say!

I met xh when I was 18, married at 23 and left at 45 (and a half lol). It has taken me a lot of soul searching to get where I am now. I don't regret my marriage for a minute, it's what we both needed at the time and we have two gorgeous dds out of it, but I have grown more 'into' myself iyswim, and so has he. We basically have different wants and needs and trying to mesh them together was making us both really unhappy. I have really bad times, and the guilt is horrendous, but I just look at the passport that I didnt dare renew because I may just have packed a bag and left for good and know I made the right decision.

I hope whatever decision you make is right for you too.

Btw, don't leave thinking you will go for a better relationship. Focus on what is likely to happen if you stay on your own, versus in your current relationship. If it's really better to be on your own then leave and know it's the right choice.

Hi Mildred
I bailed 7 weeks ago after 28 years with DH leaving our teenagers with him in the family home. I was unhappy and wanted out, he wasn't and didn't. We did counselling together and separately and it just got clearer that I wasn't committed to a future with him. Frustration with him and the situation was making me mildly abusive too.

So far he has risen to the challenge, taken over running the house and looked after the DC (or maybe vice versa). We are on friendly terms, trying to behave well and kindly, and I do believe he will be fair when we eventually split our assets.

I am feeling hugely better. like a millstone has rolled off my chest, and look forward to the future with excitement as well as fear. I worry about how this will affect the DC in year sto come. I hope they will get the message they don't have to put up with a poor relationship and deserve to be happy.

I would say try your hardest to put things right, but quietly make an escape plan, set up a separate account and save some money.

When it actually happens it will all be much
easier than your nightmare imaginings.

I've felt this way before and would be content to be on my own. The possibility of someone else has only come into it recently as I have a very adolescent crush on someone totally unattainable, and it's just made me think how nice that feeling is too.

I really enjoy my own company and not having to answer to anyone and if we were to split can't imagine I would actually go out looking for another relationship. Certainly wouldn't consider cohabiting or marriage for a long time and then only if I was lucky enough to meet a 'soul mate'.

Thanks, whenallelsefails, that's pretty much where I'm coming from, re trying but covering my own arse too.

Hope things continue to go well for you & yours.

Ninah - we are both happy to let one another get on with their own interests on the whole (although when I do anything he always cribs over any cost involved, even though I work, pay my way and we have separate accounts).
It would be nice if he would just take some interest ie I always ask how his team got on when he's been playing/watching sports.
He never asks anything about my life (including the well-being of my parents who he has next to nothing to do with), and if I volunteer any information he makes it abundantly clear that he is not remotely interested.

Mildred I just love my tiny cottage and so does my DS. He has been coming to stay over and we have such fun together. Silliness was not on the agenda for my DH.

I am loving my own company although desperately missing the DC but it is getting easier as they are old enough to call me and drop in when they want. I can't imagine ever wanting another man in my life but my friends insisted I buy a double bed!

So far I haven't looked back, despite the odd night of tears regretting the loss of what we once had.

Have you worked out the costs of a deposit on a flat? or whether you could afford the bills? Working out the detail makes it manageable. Hold on to the image of your own front door and it will become a reality

I know what you mean eie, leaving doesn't mean I will be cherished or appreciated and I guess that's the message I wanted to get across. It does, however, stop that soul destroying wait for the little signs of affection that never happen.

So, DD woke up late last night and came down to watch some tv with me. There was a step-family in the cartoon we watched and she asked me what that meant - the only way I could explain it to her was to use the example of 'if mummy & daddy split up and married other people...'
She looked at me with abject horror and said 'but you and daddy will never split up, will you?'
Can't see how I can leave and put her through that. Looks like I'm going to have 12 years to save up...