fed up and in debt

[threenoisyboys]

ok sat here in tears. dont worry you dont have to reply just thought it would be cathartic to write this all down.

I am truly fed up with DH but dont know how much I should rock the boat.

we are seriously in debt I found this out today by accident whilst opening letters at home. we bounced lots of regular payments at the end of last month (for example on a personal loan he got a while ago to " clear some of our debts" ( he told me today on phone)). i was unaware of this loan
I work full time in a stressful job and earn good money £50k before tax and do majority of cleaning/ shopping/ and child looking after. he also works ( and earns a lot less fwiw) and is in charge of money / sorting out bills/ house repairs. he also looks after children when I am working late)

he is affectionate and loves me a lot and is a fantastic dad. I am starting to fall out of love with him as i feel like the only grown up .

I had it out with him on phone and he said that is was my fault we were in debt because i m,ake him do all the bills and he is too busy. he is now in a sulk with me.

I havent yet worked out where the money is all goin to looking at the statements it just seems to small amounts here and there.

Thinking about separate accounts. also thinking about why i have to sort EVERYTHING out. feel like I have 4 children at the mo rather than 3.

rant over. :(

How seriously are you in debt? Is there anything to show for it? Is there a way of coming back from it?

You would probably do better taking control of it since he's messed up so badly - he had no right to blame you and should have kept you informed, but now that you know he's rubbish with money, you'd be mad not to control it.

And yes, that must be like having another child. A very annoying child.

How very very annoying for you. However,if you want to avoid a repeat of this and he really is fantastic in all other ways, it seems the only option is for you to take control of the finances. You can pay for most things by monthly direct debit these days, so it shouldn't be too much hassle for you. Not playing down how very annoying it must be for you though. Us woman get a raw deal, it would be nice to be looked after sometimes huh? Although, I'm a single parent so i have to do the lot anyway

He's too busy! What a princess! I think separate accounts is the way forward.

I was in your position a while ago and I threw h out. I was just so sick of being the only adult in the marriage. Life is so much better now I'm in control and there are no lies. Sorry if thats not what you wanted to hear

he was suprised to come home and find me upset. it seems we have acumulatedn £15-20 in credit cards and loans in the past 5 yrs excluding morgage. i thought we had A LOT less than that.

really fucked off.

I am working on a budget and it should be manageable if we cut back on non essential stuff. I then siad we would have to take lunches to work etc. he said well I only ever spend £3.50 every day on a baguette anyways so thats not too much. I could fucking throttle him. he doesnt get it.

I was bought up in single parent with family with v little money and it really upsets me that I've worked so hard to get good career etc to prevent this kind of stress

thank you so much for the replies btw.

he is honestly lovely in so many other ways.

I can see why i should throw him out. He does however love me so I'm going to try and sort things out

If I were you, I guess I'd consider having separate bank accounts and one that you both put a certain amount into for bills and essentials (and to repaying the debt if it is in your name too). If he wants to spend HIS money on buying lunch everyday then HE can cut back in other areas.

Work out how much £3.50 is every day and show him how much he wastes per annum - that should convice him. In fact, get him to write down his daily expenditure every day for a week - work out the per annum and then see what he has to say about it. Hopefully it will give him the kick up the backside he needs.

Don't throw him out, on the list of things he could do, this is pretty annoying but not divorce worthy imho.

I wasn't suggesting you should throw him out btw sorry if it came across like that! There were other issues with my h and me before the revelations about the debt, that was just the final straw for me.

I hope you manage to work things out

My DH was, for many years, a lot more lazy about money than I realised. It has been hard for me to adjust to the fact that we had overspent (ie he had overspent) and we have needed to tighten our belts. I had to sit down and spell out the savings we needed to make. Even then I could tell he wasn't convinced. If you're like our family, the longer you leave the money in your DH's hands, the worse it will be. Even though it annoys you to do so, you must take control and limit what spending power he has. You must spell out what you have and what you don't have and how the debts are going to be covered. In time he will get it.