What if someone is abusive but only with you?

[shimmerysilverghosty]

This article is my ex to an absolute T signs you are dating a sociopath, this is a link by Mathanxiety on another thread but it really rang a bell with me.

But he only seems to be like this with me and to a lesser extent his Mum.

How can it be that he only treats us like this but is ok with others? Eg he rented out a flat once and when the tenant left ex didn't have enough to pay his deposit back. 6 months later he came into some money and tracked the tenant down and paid him back as he "felt so guilty", yet he has left me in £1000's of debt and seems not to care at all about that, same with his Mum.

I don't get it, I read a lot about personality disorders to try to understand ex but it comes back to the same thing time and time again, he is only really like it with me. I think it really is stopping me from getting over it because surely if he was the problem he would be like it with everyone.

Any ideas MN relationship experts?

No idea but what does it matter if he is your ex? You talk about the way he treats you in the present tense - it sounds like you are still allowing him to exert control in some way?

Well yes, we are joint parenting the dc and he is a good father so I tend to put up with stuff just to keep things running smoothly in that respect, it is not so bad because I can always just shut the door at the end of the day, not like when we are living together. I don't really buy into this "well he is your ex, ignore him" kind of thing, it is not that simple, especially where dc are concerned and you are trying to be amicable. Also where I live I have very little family or RL support.

My concern is that it is not actually him, but me and if that is the case than I want to do something about that. If he is not like this with anyone else then it must be me.

Of course it matters if you are trying to make peace with something in your mind, surely?

no, I think you are trying to find the reasons within yourself for his behaviour and that is wrong. People often treat those closest to them in ways that they wouldn't anyone else - even in the best of relationships. If he treated you and his mum badly that is entirely his responsibility and I don't think you should be wasting your time trying to analyse it.

Yes, by all means be amicable but not to the point where he is still walking all over you and you won't stop him, just to keep the peace. I think maybe you need to separate yourself from him a bit more, mentally.

Yes, you are probably right but is hard to do when there is no resolution, you sort of expect people to suddenly realise they have been a twunt and apologise but maybe they never will, except to random people they don't actually know very well ie tenant!

I have a similar ex who treated those closest and dearest to him appallingly at times.

My (cod) theory is that he was on some level (due to some fairly dreadful parenting he'd had) testing and retesting the theory that he just wasn't lovable. Seeing how far he could push us, if you like. A sad reason for the behaviour which still in no means makes it excusable.

BUT saying that it's not 'you' that's the problem. Definitely not. This is unfortunately an all-too-common symptom of those kind of relationships - atrocious behaviour to those closest to them, nice as pie to everyone else. Probably if he gets a new partner then in time, unless he deals with his issues, she'll get the same thing.

Please don't blame yourself for his shit behaviour. He's treating his mum the same way so it's clearly an issue with him, not you.

It is possible that for him to look at his behaviour towards you, and to realise what a twunt he's been would require a level of remorse and guilt that he's not able to cope with. So he's ignoring it and burying it instead of facing up to it. There's not really anything you can do about that; definitely don't hold your breath.

I don't even know if he is that decent, not able to face up to how awful he has been, though deep down he knows it Quodibet, he treats his dc well and various family members but when it comes to me, it is as though he sees me as a lower form of life, just there to make his life easier iyswim? Never to be listened too, no emotions or feelings of mine ever to be cared about, just anger and dislike towards me if I ever ask for any kind of decent treatment in a sort of "how dare you expect that" kind of way. Hard to explain really, the depth of his disrespect towards me.

You could read up on it a bit more. In summary, his world is a constant nightmare because things aren't exactly as he wants them. Yes, it's illogical, but think of a toddler - people with this type of disorder are emotionally/cognitively stuck at that age. His suffering is, probably, as great and as all-encompassing as that of a young child who's been asked to share a favourite toy. Still thinking of the child - who does he blame for his world going 'wrong'? His mum and the other child.

Other people don't count, because they don't feature in his current view of what's gone wrong (failed to satisfy his every whim). Bide your time, he'll find some other victim to take over your role as blame-donkey. His mum's stuck with him, though.

if he is decent as all-get out to everyone else then perhaps you were a casualty of his relationship with his mother? If he grew up not respecting his mother for whatever reason he has clearly transferred this same pattern of relationship to you. He views you in the same way as he viewed his "mum" and so you got treated the same way.

that's just more cod psychology but again none of this is your fault nor would it have been preventabel by anything you could have done.

Both of those posts make a lot of sense. The thing about his Mum is something that has occurred to me before but seemed too weird, like because I had married him and had dc I have become a "Mum" in this is how "Mum's" are treated maybe?

"Other people don't count, because they don't feature in his current view of what's gone wrong (failed to satisfy his every whim)."

That sounds about right too, for example he is horrific if he hasn't got money but he can percieve that I have. He went on holiday this month with his mates and came back skint. I of course did not go on holiday as I was with dc, we are seperated etc so therefore still had money, not his kind of money as he has much more than me but enough to live on ok. He had the most awful sulks and picked arguments with me because of this. It is as though he feels that the only person who should go without is me, if he spends his money etc, I should be the one that picks up the pieces and sorts him out, if I don't then I am a horrible, mean selfish bitch and so on.

You are well shot of him - sounds like total toddler behaviour. I ate my lolly and now I'm furious that you've still got yours so I'm going to have a tantrum about it and bully you for yours.

I think you need to make sure that you find ways that his attempts to belittle you can't get to you and erode your resolve. ('horrible mean selfish bitch' - wtf? You're raising his child single-handed!) It's really unfortunate that you're co-parenting with someone who behaves in this way - I don't have experience of this but I'm sure someone will come along who has some advice of how you can stop his totally unreasonable and selfish behaviour from impacting on your life.

"because I had married him and had dc I have become a "Mum" in this is how "Mum's" are treated maybe".

Oh yes, I reckon this is definitely happening with my ex. All sorts of projection going on. It's also possible to be most angry with the person you have wronged, because if you even start to put yourself in their shoes, you'd have to accept that you were in the wrong ("you" meaning him in this case, if that makes any sense whatsoever).

And it's not that odd for an abusive person to be abusive only towards selected victims. Even with parents and children, a parent can have one "golden child" and one scapegoat.