re-evaluating friendships after baby

[needinspiration]

I just wondered if anyone else had done this.

My friendships have completely changed around.

GOod friends to me are those who are caring, and mutally bolstering, so that you don't feel drained after spending time with them.

Maybe pre-baby I had more time to put into friends who were needy and draining as I had time to go and do something to pick myself up afterwards.
Have recently lost a friend like this - I had less time available for her and she got angry at a difficult time in my pregnancy - I guess we are no longer in touch tho are due to see eachother again soon at a mutual friend's party. Maybe that is why this is all on my mind. It really did affect me a lot.

The last year and a bit has just been about getting through and while I am sorry she felt let down, what else could I do?

Did anyone else experience a changing round of friendships after baby, it would be great to hear others experiences. It might help me feel more normal..

I am back at work part-time and still get a bit lonely on my days off but am building up friendships again (all changed around when antenatal group went back to work)

Thanks for any responses

Sorry you're feeling this way, but I do think it's quite "normal", or should I say common..

You don't need toxic people in your life, and if you feel you're doing all the giving with little in return, you're right to cut them out of your life..especially if you feel drained by them!

I read an article by a journalist who'd had a baby, that I could really resonate with, she said she felt all her single non-baby friends were "neurotically self-obsessed", so true of mine too!! (even some with children are too!).
Maybe it's just modern life(?)

Yes, when ds was days old, and just home from hospital, one of my friends came round with her new bf and a large carry out, including a case of beers, 40 fags and a box of wine

She actually thought that was a suitable time for a party, at mine! Dh told them why it was not atall suitable and she went in a huff. So, I kept her at arms length. Even when she had a child of her own and she realised how tiring it was, she never mentioned it. I just don;t have much in common with some friends any more, but that's normal. If your lives change at different rates you are bound to grow apart.

Its up to you if you want to work at it, if these friends mean a lot to you. I'm not a big fan of staying friends just because of a long history. It has to work on it's own merit for me.

I was the first to have children out of my old school and uni friends - by about 6 yrs. A few really made out like i'd let them down somehow

Thanks all for replies, really appreciate it

Not uncommon. I was quite late having a baby but still have several friends who don't have DC, some through choice. I have found that, since having DS, some of the childless-through-choice friends are the ones I least get on with now, as they find the whole business of me having to consider DS in any plans pretty irritating. In fact, I don't make much effort to see them any more as they do see DS as a bit of a nuisance.[hshock]

Having said that, DS's godparents are also childless through choice and they couldn't be lovelier and never show irritation at DS needing to be considered.

Needinsipration - you mention how antenatal friendships changed when people went back to work. I think this shows that they weren't for the duration, just a 'need' everyone had at the time, to talk about babies. Perhaps it's time to re-evaluate longer-standing friends, from before children. You may have found them self-obsessed, they may have found you boring or baby-obsessed. Get back in touch, maybe it's all forgiven and forgotten :)

Yes, you re-evaluate, but it's a fluid thing. Some people whom you drift away from you may find you drift back to.

And don't forget, just because you have a baby it doesn't mean your life is more meaningful than theirs. Your broken night's sleep will be forgotten in a few weeks - they could still be dealing with their broken heart months from now.

Happened to me, too. I think it's very common.

Agree with LongtallJosie that it's fluid, though. I had a friend who I got very close to when I first became a mother. She was really supportive and shared in all my excitement and the ups and downs. However, five years down the line, things are quite different. I have another child and am firmly ensconced in the whole family-life thing, while she is still single and I think quite resentful towards me (jealous?). She is also very opinionated and one of those people who feels its really important to tell people The Truth and What She Thinks all the time, whereas I prefer to be around people who are good natured, easy going and generally Not Hard Work.

Completelty drifted apart from another close friend after my first child was born - we seemed to have so little in common, suddenly - but five years later we have rekindled our friendship and it is better than ever.

I have grieved for the loss of some friendships.Others have fallen by the wayside and that suits me fine.

Life

Thanks everyone. It helps just to share and hear others' stories.