Adjusting to life post affair

[Kenickie]

I am really struggling at the moment. My husband had an affair and I just can't understand why he would do it. Is it important to gain an understanding? Or should I just move on? I cannot buy into the whole 'there must have been something wrong with the relationship' because now the relationship really is bad and he is making all the right noises now, but I just feel that is too little too late! How can we ever really move on? I was an incredibly relaxed partner, which is probably how he was able to have the affair in the first place....I wouldn't have dreamt of stopping him having his own space, doing his own thing or questioning his whereabouts. Now I can't ever imagine being that relaxed and that depresses me because that is how I am, and how I thought he was, until he took the piss! Sorry, I don't even know what I am asking, I am just having such a hard time adjusting to this new life

Nothing you did, or didn't, do made him be unfaithful to you - it's down to him and his weakness alone.

So sorry Kenickie, I could have written this myself only difference is my DH chose the other woman, so I can't help you, but it does make me think that I should stop wishing that I had the chance to work on getting the relationship back on track, makes me realise how hard it would be. But at the same time I am struggling trying to move on without DH. Sorry to ramble.

There are a few threads on here at the moment asking the same about moving on after an affair and some very good advice, one by chippedchinateacups and christainsalvesen, one of the best posters is WWIFN, who as been in exactly your position and really takes time to give amazingly good advice.

More info - one thread is called How long does it take? And the other is Aftermath of an affair.

Hope you can make sense of my post but am writing this on an iPhone whilst walking dogs. Good luck!

Also as previous MBS says it's not your fault.

Please read Not Just Good Friends by Shirley Glass (look on Amazon). It saved my life and my sanity. Its really interesting and a page turner which helps speed through it. The book really helps even when you are reverberating with shock.

You will be in shock at the moment. As soon as you have finished reading the book get him to read it. As it explains how people all too easily slip into having an affair, and do not even think of how it may effect others or their own future. Never mind not realizing how completely devastating the fallout is post affair. It will teach him how he can avoid getting himself into a similar situation again.

Your husband needs to establish a feeling of safety within the relationship and your day to day life.

This means cutting all contact with the OW immediately. No contact about anything at all, never mind how innocuous.

He also needs to be completely open with you, access to his fb, phone, emails, phone bills, stating where he is going, when he will be home and getting home for that time.

Do not blame yourself for his affair. Yes be kind and compassionate to each other now, and it is a chance for you to re-evaluate your relationship, and make the necessary changes. But in no way are you to blame for his choices and subsequent behaviour. So don't let anyone tell you that your marriage must have been awful, or similar crap!!!!!

You need to watch for massive changes in his behaviour, implementing the changes that you want to see, regarding improving your marriage and lives.

Don't let your husband blame you for what he did either, this is so depressing (my husband did this, there was a myriad of reasons why he had an affair with a work colleague).

He may say some awful things because he is scared, ashamed and if he has anything about him guilty as hell.

Yes this is a horrible place to be. Been there myself! Betrayal on this scale really plays with your sanity.

Yes as time passes he can tell you why he did it, and what he got out of the relationship. But safety needs to be established first.

Stay strong and keep posting.

Kenickie - please do not think this is your fault. It simply isn't. The reason people cheat is to do with them, not you. Even if he thought that there had been problems in your marriage, it would have been his duty to sort them out, not cheat.

Things cheating husbands have in common are generally arrogance, selfishness and stupidity. Everyone has the opportunity to cheat so you must not blame yourself for not monitoring his every move. My DH cheated with a colleague at work, during working hours sometimes - even if I had been monitoring him, I couldn't have monitored that.

If you are the kind of person who needs to know all the details, then ask him and it is his duty to tell you if he wants to remain married. I am that kind of person and I did ask my husband for all the details, which he provided after some time (and a short separation).

This happens to so many of us, don't feel you are alone or at fault. He's done something really stupid and there doesn't need to be an underlying reason. My husband enjoyed someone (naive) idolising him - I treat him as an equal.

I don't think this is what you want to hear, but I don't believe (from bitter experience) that there is a life together after an affair.

If you have something precious that he destroys, it can never, ever be put back together. That act of infidelity destroys your innocence, your trust in him, that he'll do what's right for you, that he loves you. It's such a violent act; it rips apart the very foundations of your relationship.

Never again will you absolutely trust him.

In my case I forgave, ignored, forgave again. Nothing worked. The relationship was destroyed and destroyed by him, the person I loved more than anyone. It did alter my personality. Like you, I was very relaxed; that went. I loved without question; that went, too.

I'm sorry, but my advice would always be to leave - in a while you will be OK; if you stay, you never will be.

Hi Kenickie. So sorry you're going through this, it's awful.

It's vital you gain an understanding of why this affair happended otherwise you will not know how to prevent it from happening again. It's not possible to just sweep it under the carpet and just 'move on'. It will forever leave you with unanswered questions that will eat away at you. I to don't buy the 'there must have been something wrong' either.

Do read the Shirley Glass book that's been recommended and get him to read it too. I believe that had I know about this in the early days of discovery I wouldn't be where I am now. How you react in the early days can impact on the outcome.

There is no way that his affair was your fault - the responsibility lies solely at his door. He made the choice.

There must be no contact with the OW and the two of you need to talk, talk and talk some more (without getting angry if possible).

You may find you need some time apart or that you would both benefit from individual counselling followed by couples counselling.