It is now third week I can't sleep or eat and cry all the time and when I get myself to sleep with pills I wake into the same horror reality as yesterday. And don't feel like waking up really.
The last few years of my life turned out to be a terrible lie and I'm not sure if can get over it and where do I go from here.
I met a man of my dreams and we started dating, he told me he had kids from previous relationships who lived somewhere else and spent weekends with them, during the working week though he lives close to where I live, we spent time at his place, at mine, met each others friends etc all completely normal
He told me that relationship with his partner was over (and not just once, he mentioned that on many occasions) so about maybe a year and a half years into our relationship he let it slip in a conversation at dinner that that there now was one more child I was not aware of. I was in shock and stormed out to the street right then, but he ran after me and started pleading and begging and apologising and trying to explain that it was over with that woman when she was pregnant and then he met me, he was afraid to tell me please forgive me I didn't know how to tell you... you get the picture - maybe I should have cut it off there and then, I am definitely kicking myself now that I didn't but by that time I already had very strong feelings for him so it continued as before.
We were getting along well, I didn't ask for commitment or anything assuming that in time it all would come naturally, it was more like him who made plans although they never really came to life for one reason or another.
Then after about two more (quite happy, I was just happy with him, we had some great times together) years he started acting slightly differently, became more irritable, criticised me over little things I said or did wrong but generally nothing had changed we were still spending time together as before it was just that but that time I grew tired of the situation myself as I wanted more by then but whenever I tried to raise the subject he would turn things around and say something like it's all you fault you're still with your ex what am supposed to think and nonsense like that.
I started suspecting there must be another woman because it all didn't make much sense to me and was driving me crazy a bit, I couldn't find any information, even went to his place to see what's going on but he was always home alone.
He still continued seeing me as usual, though but last year we went out had some drinks and couldn't hold in me anymore and just asked him to be honest whatever is going on I just needed to know, he said how much he loved me but yet again he tried to twist the situation and blame me about things which were all not true and not relevant anyway. So I couldn't get a conversation out of him and had more to drink and complained to other people about the way he was treating me ( I don't really remember though, he told me later) and got terribly sick in the end.
After this time he didn't call me for 2 months. I was really really sad and heartbroken but had other problems to deal with at the time which kept me busy and felt since he had nothing to tell me then what would be the point in talking again. Maybe I had hoped he would come back to his senses one day.
Then he started calling and texting... I never even answered, he started walking by my place at different times... I had to hide behind people to not have him bump into me on the street. It went on like this for almost a year until one day he caught me off-guard and I stupidly agreed to meet him. My feelings had not changed, I really missed him.
That night he said all the things I wanted to hear - we should live together and have a baby and how he couldn't be without me. He still didn't explain though why he disappeared on me last year so when we parted the next day I decided to look for reasons again and this was when I for the first time realised that the partner he was "over" with was living his other house all this time. It was an awful shock to me because this was not the direction I was looking... I thought it might be somebody unknown. I cried for several days not knowing what to do... until he called again and I went to see him.
I didn't say anything at that time, I was just ... I don't know ... watching... I did ask some indirect questions but he didn't seem to understand and anyway said let's not go into what happened now. Apart from that all was as always just me frozen inside. When he called again I really couldn't speak to him.
A few days later I came across some photos of her and him wearing the ring. She also now changed her last name on facebook. It must have been fairly recent, prob last year when he wasn't around.
Since then I'm living this nightmare. I never knew I could hurt so much. I guess I'm torturing myself all the time remembering every date looking at every text and photo and thinking did he already know that he was going to throw me away holding me in his arms smiling at me ... whatever
Just don't know how do people get over things like this? I'm taking antidepressants but they are of limited help besides they really cloud the brain, I can't work, can't concentrate on anything and can't see a life ahead because I don't know how I could ever trust anyone again.
You see I was begging him to be honest, he chose not to I don't know if it's a lack of respect he had for me or something else but surely he could have told me and break up with me some years ago?! It would hurt but I suspect it would hurt less than it does now...
I still do not know it was possible...yes, maybe I should open my eyes to what was going on but I just didn't have any proof and I believed him anyway - after all why would he lie to me :)
Please somebody tell me it will pass and I won't care one day...
P.S. on new years eve 2005 I made a resolution to never date a married man. The devil must have had lots of fun.