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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it all in my head?

27 replies

treetrunkthighs · 27/10/2010 23:10

I have a favour to ask.

Could you ask me some questions, poignant, leading, whatever to help me find some perspective and hopefully therefore answers to my tormenting question - is it all in my head?

About dh and our relationship.

Sorry to be vague. We've had friends for dinner, he's 'flipped', I've had a silent weep and it's all been rather embarrassing.

OP posts:

msboogieHallowqueen · 27/10/2010 23:12

why did he flip and has he ever flipped before?

but based on what you say above - unless someone did something terrible, no its not all in your head.

GypsyMoth · 27/10/2010 23:14

Was alcohol involved?

scallopsrgreat · 27/10/2010 23:15

I would imagine its not in your head as you felt the need to post here.

How did he reach the stage of "flipping"?
Does he often do this?
Will he apologise?

msboogieHallowqueen · 27/10/2010 23:16

on second thoughts, if you are going to tell me he is some controlling nightmare who has to have everything his own way or all hell breaks loose then, please don't bother. Just go and pack your bags or tell me he is absolutely wonderful 1% of the time and you can't bear the thought of life without him and we can go our separate ways now.

Original poster

treetrunkthighs · 27/10/2010 23:30

Yes, alcohol involved, although not much at this stage. Friends complimented dinner. I said I was slightly disappointed as not as spicy as I'd hoped. Dh commented that it 'needed more salt, as always'. I said I put in the teaspoon required. He said I couldn't take criticism. At all. Never criticise TTT. I told him to eff off. He grabbed all the plates, threw them in the sink, broke one, stormed off for fag. I held it together with embarassed friends then cleared up.

He was pretty 'off' all weekend and this felt like the straw that broke the camel's back and that it had been brewing for a few days.

I can't imagine he will apologise. He won't think he's at fault.

He doesn't flip. But then I don't push if I'm brutally honest.

OP posts:

Original poster

treetrunkthighs · 27/10/2010 23:32

Msboogie - I don't think he is a controlling nightmare but I feel I may have lost my perspective. Hence the need for thought provoking qs.

OP posts:

RespectTheDoughnut · 27/10/2010 23:35

Well, what if you'd been one of the guests & it was your friend in your situation? How would you feel about that? What would you say to her?

scallopsrgreat · 27/10/2010 23:35

Will he sulk now?

He did flip btw - big time. Taking you and your friend's food away from them and throwing it away is not a rational act. If it happened how you said he massively over-reacted.

How did your friends react?

GypsyMoth · 27/10/2010 23:57

Oh, you dated challenge him? How dare both you AND the recipe be right and him wrong!!

You stood up to him, that's why it all went wrong. Like you said, you don't usually push

whenallelsefailscastspells · 28/10/2010 00:02

Sounds like he was picking a fight and deliberately escalated it from insulting your cooking tonight to a global criticism of you as a person. Then reacted to your anger with a tantrum and a sulk.

Gosh he sounds hard work. Is he always like this or is there something upsetting him? Are you just the target of his ill humour when he is pissed off? Or is he always horrid to you?

And why don't you push? Are you afraid of him?

I would make a hot drink, offer him one and offer a cuddle and see if he will apologise. If not sod him he can sleep on the sofa!

quiddity · 28/10/2010 00:10

TTT, does any of this look familiar?

lovelymumma · 28/10/2010 00:26

As Doctor Phil always used to say,"life gives you clues",sorry,but sounds like alarm bells are ringing.If he gets this worked up over a meal!Just look after yourself,would you want a man like this to marry any of your children.Maybe he's depressed and needs to see a doctor.Just be careful and ask relatives advice,sometimes they see things you don't.

fortyplus · 28/10/2010 00:31

Hang on a mo.. he criticised the food in front of friends - that was rude... but you then told him to 'eff off'...

I think you're more at fault than him - I'd flip if dh told me to eff off in front of friends.

ItsGhoulAgain · 28/10/2010 00:54

I spent years working front-of-house in posh restaurants. I followed that with even more years being a customer in posh restaurants. At any one of them, a paying customer who behaved like that would be thrown out. It is unacceptable under any circumstances.

Fortyplus: if you criticised the meal I'd made and then 'flipped' because I wouldn't take your insults ... you'd be out the door, too.

ItsGhoulAgain · 28/10/2010 01:00

Apart from the obvious fact that you can't take salt out of a cooked dish, but you can add it to your plate you're a 'salty' person

So he breaks stuff if you don't appreciate his insults, but you're not allowed to 'push'? Are you getting a message here?

dignified · 28/10/2010 01:30

Im assuming that he is a sulker / door slammer / thrower / always right , " it didnt happen " sort of person ?

Were the freinds present female by any chance ? Either way , were they your freinds or joint , does your dh like them ?

Does he generally put you down in front of others ?

Original poster

treetrunkthighs · 28/10/2010 08:45

Well, what if you'd been one of the guests & it was your friend in your situation? How would you feel about that? What would you say to her?

I'd wonder what else was going on tbh. It seemed to come from nowhere and they were completely bemused and didn't know where to put themselves. We had finished eating by the way so no food wasted - plates were clean so it can't have been that bad!

Will he sulk now?
Yes. He has gone to work early and won't be back til late. No kiss goodbye this morning.

And why don't you push? Are you afraid of him?
I don't push because I can't be arsed with the sulking tbh. I am not afraid of him. It is just so tiresome when he behaves like a spoilt brat.

Im assuming that he is a sulker / door slammer / thrower / always right , " it didnt happen " sort of person ?
Only sulker and "it didn't happen" out of those. The friends were a couple. And no, he doesn't usually put me down in front of others.

Quiddity - I can't get to the end of that list without welling up again

OP posts:

ItsGhoulAgain · 28/10/2010 12:20

Sounds horrible :(

I just wanted to point out that throwing household items in anger is a form of intimidation. How will he react, now he's 'shown' himself to other people? Is he like this at work, do you know?

suburbophobe · 28/10/2010 13:12

Oh dear, he sounds very immature, throwing "his toys out of the pram"

Reading stuff like this always makes me raise my hands up to the sky that I'm divorced (mine was worse than this)

I'd be sending mine a text saying "You can go down the chippy cos I'm not making dinner for you tonight!"

fortyplus · 28/10/2010 14:40

ItsGhoulAgain - I don't do 'flipping', actually - I'm usually the calm mediator in situations like this. But I'd have little sympathy for anyone - male or female - who told their partner to 'eff off'.

Sarsaparilllla · 28/10/2010 14:53

That sounds hideous, if my partner did that infront of my friends I'd be livid and incredibly upset.

It's not in your head, his behaviour is totally irrational and embarrassing, I couldn't stand that at all.

spookyhalloweenFluffypomkins · 28/10/2010 14:57

Tbh, i think your both in the wrong

You for swearing at him infront of guest &
Him for acting like a child throwing things.

ItsGhoulAgain · 28/10/2010 15:12

Him for criticising the food, unasked.
Him for denigrating your personality - in front of guests or alone.

That makes it 3-1 on my scoreboard.

rubyredlips · 28/10/2010 15:26

Ok. So you make a meal, DH criticises your meal and implies that it is always wrong 'needed more salt as always'. Is this normal behaviour for him to criticise your food or you?

ChaoticAngel · 28/10/2010 18:16

How often does he flip out?

Does he flip out if you disagree with him on anything?

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