stop looking and you'll find it

[katiehellcatkitty]

sorry for repetition, but I posted something, I can't remember which thread, think it was AIBU, might have been chat, but the gist is, if I stop looking, my dream man will appear...

ok, I have been told four times this week by well meaning people, all happily paired off in long term relationships, to simply stop looking and the man I've been looking for, of my dreams will appear...

and I feel like fucking shit because of it

Actually, you might meet one of their husbands!

I'd like to know how they would feel if their partners came home and said they hadn't been looking for love, but they'd found it.

Don't believe you have to hunt down Mr Right, club him and drag him back to your lair [smack a wee bit of desperation] but to exist in suspended animation ain't going to do much to improve your chances either. Aim should be to widen the circle of friends you have through work or RL interests so you get to know them over time - good friends will help you do this rather than just trotting out platitudes.

Katie I am in the same boat as you, I have tried internet dating and though no lack of dates Mr perfect for me has just not come along.

My friends tell me stop looking and he will just appear it makes me want to scream.

So I am taking a new approach now , taking on new interests such as pub quizzes and I have found a group local to me that have bar nights once a month so i am going to give those a try.

I know I have not been of any help but I wanted you to know that you are not alone

I've been told that too, and it's pretty rubbish - all you can do is just stop looking and get on with stuff instead.

I didn't find 'dream man' at all, but I did realise that finding him wasn't that important after all.

Hmmm, but looking is just another word for desperado, isn't it? That's what people are getting at, I think. If you are out man-hunting, you are unlikely to attract the right kind of guy. Harsh, maybe, but true.

Agree with Faaamily - if you stop looking and concentrate on enjoying life you're in a better place for a relationship emotionally anyway, not looking for someone to 'complete' you.

(not suggesting anyone here is doing that, just making a general point)

hello - only just revisiting this, I knew folk would say 'despearate' but I haven't been looking for months and I just wonder, if you wanted a better job or house, so, faaamily and early morning, you just know it'll find you, that's great.

For bridget and fliight, yep, it's shit to be hoping but not looking, I'm really not looking, but once a week, for five minutes just thinging, oh...

For everyone else, not looking means not looking, rest of my life is fine, glad of it too, as above, really I think every now and again that I would like to share the good times that's all.

It's hard to be a woman, 40ish and single my god

I wasn't looking, wasn't desperate and really had lots of other things to be getting on with. Met a nice bloke who came to meet his friend at work. We have been married for 10 years.

Katie - I am a fellow Katie and I LOOKED. And I found. And not in a desperate 'oh you'll do' way; I found the love of my life. I knew that there were some things that I absolutely could not compromise on, but other than that I basically dated anyone and everyone that I could get to take me out! I went on LOADS of dates before I met my fiance. I don't buy the idea that it will come to you; there are people out there still waiting and they get into later life and regret that they didn't do anything about it. Don't be miltant, or terrifyingly sure of what you need and want - I had some nice drinks with nice men and the majority weren't right. But then one was and I am pretty sure that without meeting what wasn't right for me I couldn't have know fully what was.

Sorry for waxing lyrical but get out there, be safe, don't be desperate, don't do the 'rules' or anything, just be you but welcome opportunities to meet people where you can whether it be internet dating or the local bird spotting group!

I think there's a happy medium to be found. I agree, all those people who tell you to just sit back are talking out their ass. You do have to make an effort. But I think the point they're trying to make is not to be desperate, and not to start getting inappropriate with every man you see on the street.

I came to a point where I realised I wanted to be in a relationship and it changed my whole approach. I stopped going out and just flirting randomly, but went out thinking, "I will find a good one and I deserve it". It's a small but important mindset shift. I flirted less, but more successfully. When I met now DH, I simultaneously met 2 other men who were both interesting, fun and who I could have dated. I don't know if I would have married either of them but I do know that I was in a place where I was only interested in proper relationships and somehow, that's what I was "putting out there".

NOt sure if that helps? Nutshell is: of course you must look and have an objective, but you have to do it from a position where you deserve it and you realise that you are fantastic.

I got told this a lot when I'd hit 31 and was still single and panicking. I went to a nightclub, gave a bloke my number and told him to ring me. Eight years later we're happily married with 2 kids. If I'd waited for him to approach me I'd still be single. I hate all this 'what will be, will be' shit. My motto is 'God helps those who help themselves'. Join everything, go everywhere and try everything once. Why not? You're a long time dead (as they say in Norn Irn).

Someone I used to work with told me that the best way to meet mmen is to get work one evening a week in the pub. The average man thinks 'Woman good. Woman give me BEER' and they fall in love with you. Worked for her - she married one of her clients!

I did actually meet dp the first time round when I wasn't looking. I was dating some 19yo from the pub and it wasn't going anywhere. then I met this bloke on the front drive, whom I had disliked the look of for ages, and started talking to him and bang, that was it.

It's very odd when it happens.