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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

broken marriage for jealousy of his best friend

9 replies

lydiamama · 27/10/2010 19:32

Well here it goes, probably a long post.
when I met my DH everything was close to perfect, we were very very attached and agreed to marry in eight months (I know quite quick, but no major problems were spotten then). I had to finish my studies, so I spent the first year of our marriage in another country, and visit him back in UK frequently (this had been obviously discussed previous to marriage). Everything OK, time passed and he told me one day he had met a woman in a gallery and that she had offered him £50 for a copy of a painting (he is a painter, arts degree, but he was working as waiter). I said GREAT!!! So she ordered some more, and they became friends. When I came back to UK for good, we were introduced, and she offered him to sponsor his work, so he gave up work. Then started my nightmare, I was working, weekend I was expecting to spend time alone with him, but anytime we were going anywhere, he had to bring her along, and they just talked and talked and I felt pretty excluded. Then we rented our own place, and he asked her help to buy some furniture, so she did, and she adviced about the decoration, and he did not even for one second asked me anything. He complemented her for her appearance (he never does to me), and talked to her (only) all evening, so in front of her, there we had a big row, and I clearly explain to him, I was not happy with that. He spent loads of time in her home, or driving her to places, or going out shopping. She bought loads of expensive things for him (not only for especial occasions but anytime). Once I arrived home and he was not there, so I called him and asked where are you? Answer, at home!!! well he was in her home. They used to text each other late in the night, he said they were arguing.... I started to be very jealous of this person, so I faced him and said that if he did not find in me what he needed he could gracefully just end the marriage, no he said, no any feelings for her, confronted, they both deny it, and say they are just friends. But so much closeness between them makes me feel insecure, I am afraid he is in love with her, or she is in love with him, and then i started to go wrong myself, I checked his mobile texts and calls (he calls her 2-4 times every day!!!!), and we argued and argued and argued, and the relationship has suffered so much, it is bitter, full of resentment, and broken.
I have very mixed feelings, I felt left aside so many times and it hurt, but for other side I always think they would not cheat on me so openly, would they?

OP posts:
taintedpaint · 27/10/2010 20:38

Sorry to be blunt, but if what you've said is accurate and not played up, you are not the one in the marriage with your husband, his friend is. You might have the ring and the piece of paper, but she has the relationship.

Your issue, if you are to try to save what you have with your husband, must be with him and not with his friend. She has no loyalty to you so you can't really have a say in her behaviour (that's not condoning the intensity of what is going on with her and your husband btw). You need to take this up with your husband.

But I'm afraid I don't really know, from what you've said, what's still there for you. If I was in your position, I would cut my losses. Especially if you don't have children.

Doha · 27/10/2010 20:49

Oh how awful for you

There are 3 people in this marriage and it would appear that you are the least important one.
How old is this woman.
She is calling all the shots and your DH is allowing this.
Time for a tough discussion with him. He has to put you first and pyt some efffort into the marriage although l must admit l would have waked away long long before now

Bast · 27/10/2010 21:31

If you are the third person in your marriage, he is cheating on you. Infidelity isn't just about sex although I'd be stunned if they don't share that too, sorry.

He calls her place 'home'? ...and home is where the heart is.

Walk away, it really doesn't matter what he says he wants (i.e. a relationship with you), if you aren't happy. Under the current circumstances, why would you be?!

Bast · 27/10/2010 21:34

I meant to add, your marriage isn't broken over jealousy! If it's broken, it's due to his blatant and extended prioritisation of another woman over you, emotionally or physically, or both.

lydiamama · 27/10/2010 23:04

thanks a lot for replying. Yes I waited a lot, but I have a DD. I am more than tired to talk to him about that, and apparently he does not understand????? he did recognize anyway that their behaviour was not appropiate and he apologized for that, but for now it was too much for me, and anyway, he is still best friend, and if he does not call her in front of me anymore, he does anyway, so no point. But it really really makes me angry that long ago i offered to him to break, and he said no I love you, bla bla, all before DD, and now we are 4 in this, not only 3

OP posts:
Doha · 27/10/2010 23:13

Your marriage is broken...

He is still putting her before you and your DD.
Don't offer him a break--tell him you are having a break. Let him move in with his best friend and leave you and your DD in peace.

I doubt he loves you or he wouldnt behave like this, he likes you being available but l KNOW he does NOT respect you or he would not be treating you like this.

Time for you to call the shots. Tell him to go now.

atswimtwolengths · 28/10/2010 14:30

Is he DD's father?

ENormaSnob · 28/10/2010 16:42

Sorry op but I would leave him over this.

It is blatantly obvious that you are a spare part in this 3 way relationship.

Retain your dignity and leave them to it.

atswimtwolengths · 28/10/2010 18:29

Yes, ENormaSnob is right.

He is making a fool of you, sorry.

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