my mother treats me like a child

[mousymouse]

we have a difficult relationship.
she is a dominant personality and does not take it well when someone stands up to her or does not agree.
it is a bit better since I live abroad and only see her 4 times a year for a few days.
what really gets me is her telling me how to raise my children, telling me that my decisions are bad.
it makes me really angry. I feel I should not tell her of some of the decisions dh and make regarding the children because she always butts in and says what I am doing is wrong.
I have lost quite a bit respect for her during my childhood, when she tried to treat my asthma with homeopathy and I had no way of getting proper treatment beeing dependant and all that.
sorry, just need to rant, feels soo much better writing it out!

Realtionship patterns are set early on and it's always very hard to change them once established. You can't change the way your Mum behaves towards you but you can change how you deal with it.

If she is negative about decisions you have made just firmly say "I have shared our decision on this matter with you but I am not asking for your opinion on it. We are happy with what we have decided and if you don't agree with us then please keep your feelings to yourself and respect our right to make decisions for our family."

Don't engage in any further discussion about it or you just feed the argument.

I agree with glass, you need to change your reaction to her as she is very unlikely to change at this stage. So either you don't tell her what you've decided or you tell her and then say "It's not open for discussion." I hate being "mothered" (something my poor MIL has yet to learn) and over the years I've let my own mum know this. So if she offers advice I don't engage and she knows basically she's wasting her time. We'll see what happens once this baby comes along but I reckon she'll know well enough to stay out of things (even though she would love to stick her beak in). MIL might be another story.

my sisters seem to "cope" much better, even though they also have moved away (maybe unconciously for the same reason).

What sort of things does she say to you mouse?

for example told her that we have started sleep training with dd, as she was waking 5 times a night and it was too much for me.
she then said that that is bad for dd she will be psychologically damaged by letting her cry and she was going on and on. at first I tried to defend our decision (after all there is dh as well) and then just did not say anything until she was finished.
it makes me feel angry that she can make me feel guilty even though I know that there is nothing to be guilty about.

OP don't tell her anything then or else keep repeating ad nauseum "well, I disagree" calmly over and over when she tries to put you right.

How old is your DD? FWIW I think you are doing the right thing in sleep training as not only is sleep deprivation bad for you it is bad for DD as well (and the whole rest of the family).

That psychological damage thing is a load of tosh -it only applies if a child is neglected (or far too young to be sleep trained).

You really are trying to do your best by including your mother in your DD's life, but I think it's time to stop telling her anything. If she asks you or wonders why you're not giving her any details, tell her it's none of her business and you're not in the mood to get criticised again. If she huffs and puffs about it tell her you will tell her what's going on but she's not allowed to comment. If she does comment, hang up the phone. You're still very much craving your mother's approval, which is totally normal, but you're a grown adult now and she needs to respect you.

I agree with Glass, and also agree that if she disparages your decisions then stop telling her of them, and make it clear you aren't asking for her opinion if she offers it.
Stick to general chat and don't raise any subject she may disagree with.
It's sad she's not much of a support to you, but she's unlikely to change her opinions.
If she complains you never tell her anything you could explain why, but self obsessed people often don't notice when other people stop sharing their lives.
She can only treat you like a child if you respond like a child.