Don't know what to say to my Dad.

[NeedToSleepZZZ]

Will try to keep this short but needs some background details to make sense.

My dad left my DM, DB and I when I was 3. He left the country with another woman (now my step mother) and left us homeless as we'd sold our house in order to move abroad with him for work.

My DM has been sooo brilliant, she never said a word against him and encouraged my DB and me to have a relationship with him (even though he very rarely paid maintenance and told my mum to get another job) . This didn't really work as he didn't have a clue about fatherhood and my step mother has always disliked children.

Fast forward to now and my mum has been with her boyfriend for about 28 years and I consider him my dad but my father still has a huge hold over me and I'm not sure why and what to do about it. I started contacting him about 12 years ago as I needed some kind of relationship with him and he has changed in that he is less 'up himself' (although my step mother is still a real snob, truly, she looks down on people so much it disgusts me).

He has lived abroad for many years but will be moving back to Europe to retire soon (he owns property there) and now I am pregnant I thought he would want more contact with me but it seems not. I am 25 weeks pregnant and he sends me occasional emails about his life but never asks how my OH and I are or how the pregnancy is going. I know he thinks I shouldn't be having a baby (I've had serious health problems in the past) but the rest of my family are so excited and supportive I could just cry.

Today I received a parcel from him with a birthday card in it (it isn't my birthday) and a present for my baby (obviously designer and completely impractical but nice to look at) and a designer scarf for me which must have cost him at least £200. I know it sounds ungrateful but it hurts because if he knew anything about me he'd know I never wear such things and because my contract at work isn't being renewed (which he is aware of) I could have done with something far more practical or, even better, a visit from him as he's been on holiday in France (I haven't seen him for such a long time now and I'm always the one to visit him, never the other way around). I feel it's an awful waste and it's his way of showing me how rich he is iyswim. In his emails he always talks about which restaurant he's been to and what investments he's made.

I think it hurts because it shows me that he doesn't know me at all and doesn't listen to anything I say.

I know this isn't the worst problem in the world but I can't stop crying about the day when my baby asks me about him and I won't know what to say.

I'm thinking about telling him all this but I'm not sure. My OH says I should accept him for who he is and stop getting my hopes up that he'll change but there's part of me that can't let go of having a real relationship with him. My DB gave up on him long ago and my DM doesn't really like talking about him and I don't want to hurt her as she's the best mum anyone could dream of.

Sorry for rambling, head's a bit jumbled and not sure what to do [sad)

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I know how you feel as I've been through similar.

Sorry, but I think you should forget about him. (That's me putting it politely.)

I think your DH is right and you do need to accept that is the way he is. I have had problems with my Dad in the past ans still do tbh.

I have been close to writing a letter to my Dad telling him how I feel, but the reason I haven't is because I don't think it will change him, and I feel if I put myself out there and he doesn't change then I will feel even worse.

I think what I'm saying is that you need to decide if telling him will make you feel better or worse. Also the fact that you are pregnant will be making you more emotional, and more easily upset by all of this.

For your own sanity and peace of mind I think you'd be far better off concentrating on the people around you who show you that they love and care for you.

My dad was pretty much like yours but I let go if it a long time ago - not everyone is cut out to be a parent and since he left you when you were so young he doesn't know who you are.

He tells you about what's going on in his life because he has taken no interest in yours - he is completely self absorbed and does not know how to be a father. This man is not going to suddenly change and become a loving dad, he's far too selfish.

There's no point in telling him how you feel, to be honest I don't think he would understand. In his mind he probably thinks he is doing the best he can.

I do hope this doesn't sound too harsh, I do understand how you feel but I decided a long time ago that my father was not worth the time I tried to invest in him.

Take care and enjoy those around you.

MamaGogo managed to put it much simpler and succinctly.

Thank you so much for reading and replying, brought a few tears to my eyes (very hormonal at the mo).

I'm so sorry that you've all been through similar situations. I don't understand how he has the power to hurt me still when he hasn't been around for so long, it's weird.

Right now I don't think I have it in me to cut him off, it would be so awful but I hope that by concentrating on the rest of my family I can stop feeling so depressed about it.

I admire your strength in being strong enough to say that's it, enough is enough and I hope to get to that point some time in the future.

I do agree that he wasn't really made to be a dad though.

Thank you again x

You can't change the wind but you can trim the sails. I.e. you can't change him; you can only change how you deal with him.

That might mean cutting him out entirely or just replying, "Oooh, investments, how lovely!" (or similar facetious comment!) whenever he drones on in an email.

But whatever you decide, focus your energy on the people in your life who bring a smile to your face and a spring to your step when you think about them.

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this right now, it must be really hard.
I think all sorts of things can come to the fore when you're pregnant and looking forward to parenthood, as well as the hormones magnifying everything.
When you are in the process of welcoming a new life into your heart it is practically impossible to imagine that someone could just abandon their family and turn their back on their children like your father has.
You sound like you need time to grieve for the relationship you never had with your father.
You want to reach out to him now, and you want his love and approval at this really important time in your life, but it sounds like he is not going to fulfil those needs. Could you have some counselling to help you deal with these hurtful feelings?
It sounds like there are a lot of loving people in your life, they will help you remember that you are not defined by your father's coldness.

You have a dad. He's your mother's boyfriend. Do you call him Dad?

Your baby will consider your mum's boyfriend your grandad. Don't worry too much about things for your baby's sake, they take things as they find them. They won't have the same pull to your biological father that you do.

I think you need to try to let go of this man. I know your hormones are all over the place. Your biological father does not deserve you. He treated your mother appallingly. I know with dads and daughters a lot of your self-esteem is bound up with this man, but it doesn't deserve to be, because he doesn't know you as a person.

I'd ebay the scarf without taking the tags off, and use the money on something you need.

Thank you for your kind words. You're right Longtalljosie in that my mum's boyfriend is my Dad (I'm giving my baby his name as a middle name to let him know how important he's been in my life) and we have a great relationship but I don't call him Dad as he never wanted my brother and me to (I think it was because he was afraid of taking my father's place, if that makes sense).

I spoke to my mum this evening about it and yet again she stuck up for him. I told her it's okay to say how she really feels as I'm an adult and can make my own mind up but she's one of those people that hates to speak badly of anyone (she deserves a medal in my eyes).

You are right spooktrain in that I am very lucky to have a lot of special, loving people around me and I am determined to concentrate on them more. I also think it's because of becoming a parent myself that these feelings have surfaced. I have a great partner and we have a strong relationship but I've realised that I've been worrying a bit about him leaving when the baby is born even though the rational part of me knows he won't.

Hope these emotions (hormones) calm down soon. I'm seeing a therapist for other things that have happened but think I'll mention this to her as I just need directing in how to cope with this.

You are all so lovely and caring and I'm so grateful for your advice

Oh, and the scarf is definitely being sold, my old boss has already offered to buy it from me!