How do I go about recovering?

[TheChamomileLawn]

Would really appreciate some advice on how to recover from the breakup of my 8 year relationship with my dc's dad. There was no-one else involved, we just grew apart after dc was born, but I still didn't think we'd split up. We split nearly 4 months ago, at first I was ok but now I'm reallt missing being in a relationship, although I don't want to be in one IYSWIM!
I know it's important to be on my own for quite a while in order to sort my head out, but I don't know how to start.
I just keep thinking of the long years ahead of me bringing up dc on my own, although I'm lucky in that exp is very inolved and I have a lot of family support, so it could be a lot, lot worse, I know. What I'd really like is for someone to tell me how long it will be until I feel better! Thanks if you're reading this.

And I'm eating and eating and putting on weight, so obviously I'm doing this to cover up my feelings about things, but I don't know how to stop and I'm getting bigger and bigger. Can anyone help please?

Gosh how embarrassing

It's not embarrassing. You are hurting and feel lost. I don't have any experience but wanted to lend my support.

Thank you so much, that means a lot. I feel so alone sometimes.

first of all it's really early days, you are bound to be feeling shite atm. Just take one day at a time, don't think 'long years ahead'. Who knows what's ahead? but i can bet it's better than you imagine right now
I was a zombie for about a year. Luckily as a lone p you don't get much time to really wallow, do you. Four years on for me now, I have a home, job and am really happy and settled. As for men, I tried dating once and really couldn't be bothered in the end. I am good company and have friends, trying new things, life is exciting.
As for food, I would guess it's evenings you find difficult? Can you think of something to do to keep you busy (not TV, too dangerous) I wrote four v crap novels which was something I'd always wanted to try (obv I'd rather they were publishing masterpieces with feck off advances, but they kept me sane!)

oh yes, and try to dwell on the positives about not being in a relationship, rather than idealising all the things you think you miss!
and don't watch the adverts at Xmas

Thanks ninah, I'm fed up now of feeling shit and just want it to end, I'm not very good at accepting haing bad feelings IYSWIM? I know I can't see into the future but it all seems like it will be really difficult.
The eating thing is I think probably worse than a lot of people and it is really compulsive eating, which I've struggled with on and off for years, I'm seeing my gp about it this week.
I'm not interested in having another relationship for a long time. I do miss my old relationship and how we were together at first but that's all gone now I know. I'm finding it difficuly to motivate myself to do anything, never mind write four novels

Yes you're right about dwelling on the positives, I was doing that at first, but don't seem to be able to now. I suppose it's a long, long road.

look cl in the first four months i found it a struggle to just get dressed and feed the children
it's been 4 years for me, actually nearing 5
it is normal to feel like this at the start, but I promise you it will get easier, honestly it will
I've had food issues in the past, they seem to emerge at times of stress and I am sure this is making you feel horrible about yourself so I hope you get some good advice from gp
all I'm saying is that because you are alone in the evenings and can't go out it is good to find something to focus on other than destructive stuff
doesn't have to be writing, anything you like, for you
nothing to do with dc or relationships
helps you get your 'self' back iyswim

and yeah it's a long road but all journeys are made one step at a time, if you don't mind a cliche

it's a long road that I don't want to be on really that's the problem. I was thinking of doing some embroidery or knitting or something, just got no energy or motivation at the moment though. Thanks for your reassurance, I'm just so fucking fed up of feeling shit now though!! It's a good cliche I'll try to keep it in mind, thanks.

TheCamomilelawn, you're not alone. There are so many of us on MN, which is such a comfort as in RL it can feel like you're the only one not in a great marriage/relationship.

I'm three years down the line now. I left my x, but it does get easier. I usen't to be able to go to sleep at night because the SAME thoughts and questions just used to do endless laps of my head every night. I know it's not advice that will have much support, but occassionally I would take a sleeping tablet just to give myself a break from the thoughts and the questions and the loneliness. I only did it once in a while. NEVER ever risked a dependency but it helped to know they were there.

I was totally unable to stomach anything that had any thing relating to love or romance in it. I felt so jaded and cynical that love or the notion of it just nauseated me and made me raise my eyes to heaven, so I found that the ONLY books I could read were crime novels. I really found I could get into them for escapism. I'm over that now btw! I can stomach it when a book has a romacne IN it.

If you can get out for a run, then do try to do that. Even if you're not normally a jogger. I found that exercise gave me a lot of mental strength. You will get some endorphins from runnign which might be very helpful to your right now, like being on anti-depressants. It might not stop you eating, but you might start to think of your body a bit differently, to see eating healthily as rewarding yourself, rather than endless snacking as 'being good to yourself'.

I completely agree with Ninah. Its hard at first and gets easier and easier.

I don't have any support and I'm really happy after 3.5 years of being single. I wouldn't want another relationship again.

Friends and hobbies are very important. Find something creative to do with your evenings (jewellry making, embroidery, knitting, painting etc) it might help you cut down on snacking and make you feel better about yourself.

I wish you really well.

Thanks Valium, it does seem like that, I keep looking at couples on the street and thinking, "why can they get it right and I can't?" I can sleep ok but feel like I would like to sleep and sleep at the moment!
I used to run until quite recently, I got an injury and I'm meant to be doing some exercises for it, but I can't be bothered to, I know I would feel so much better probably and I love running, really love it.
I don't know that I really believe in love anymore. I used to like a bit of Ruth Rendell myself!

Thanks bubble, that's so reassuring for you to say that you're happy with no support. I'm lucky to have a fair bit of family support, so in theory things should be easier for me. Really admire lone parents with no support, it's so hard.

I loove Ruth Rendell, and Barbara Vine!
if you can't run, could you swim, til injury gets better? i had a leg injury and it was all I could do for ages
btw post split I moved away and, again, it took a while, but now I have v good friends in new place - little child free time, but it is possible!

no support here either! see, it's possible! no need to compare thought, atm you probably feel too shite to benefit from the support that's available, but it does give lots of options for the future - even the running/swimming stuff! the only time I can run is in my lunch hour which is a bit of a struggle to factor in, what with wash/change etc lol

yeah I definitely need to do some exercise, I love exercising, but have always struggled with eating too much as well. I keep telling myself I'll do the exercises the dr told me to do, but I just can't seem to get going on them. I could be better by now, or being referred to physio, but I just do nothing about it

Hats off to anyone with no support!!

I'm actually feeling a lot better now, will try to keep living in the moment and thinking of the advantages of being on my own. Thanks again.

Good luck CL, wish you all the best

Same to you

Hi Chamomile

I've been on my own seven weeks and there were days when I just ate garlic bread and crisps for tea, but actually a part of the new life is making it a priority to look after myself and my needs for once.

So how does the food get into your house? A wise friend once advised me to look at my shopping trolley as one giant meal and see if it was balanced with each of the food groups. If there is lots of fruit and veg to balance the meat and potatoes etc, and you dont buy cake or biscuits, then when you get home and get the munchies you have to bake them yourself or go without junk food. That really works for me.

Now I have decided to go without alcohol for a while as I am past the need to numb myself and would like to prove I can manage without.
I have devised other treats like running a lovely bath or borrowing a good book which are calorie free and cheap too.

Keep posting. There are lots of us in the same boat!

Hi spells, keep forgetting the prioritising my own needs thing, I'm so used to being in a relationship with a man and putting myself second.
Good idea about the shopping trolley, I tend to shop little and often, so I know I need to do larger shops and meal planning etc.
I've got a couple of books to be going on with and it's been nice to read for the 1st time in years.
Thanks for posting, I'm feeling more positive today, it's a nice day here, so that helps. All the best to you.

I second Whenallelse's not buying junk and sweet stuff. After the free-for-all of pregnancy eating we found we were buying a kilo plus of chocolate per week and consuming it all. I was also hitting the bakers about 3 times per week whilst out with the pram. I wasn't putting weight on - just felt crap, but DP was getting seriously pear-shaped.

Now I don't buy any cakes, biscuits or candy and just bake something if we get desperate.

Cutting all that out has made me feel a lot better and conversely other foods taste better again. Fruit tastes good again - not like sour old socks!

Good luck with your progress - its easy for me to say but I did a big break-up a few years ago and I look back on this time with real pleasure. It became a really exciting time for me.