i am stuck

[single1ds]

just need to some advice really and if anyone has felt the same just want to know what they did.
My H (with him 12 or so years) left when ds 18 months old. ds is now 3.
we have been to relate both together and i am continuing on my own. i think my councellor is now getting fed up with me and has been really straight. the problem is I cant let go of H. we havent had a "relationship" for 3 yrs and have been seperated 16 months. i feel like i am just not moving forward and am stuck. maybe cause i am still in marital home, dont know. my councellor said "can you tell your H you dont want to be married to him anymore". problem is i CANT. i just cant. it is like he has a hold over me. do i still love him? i would not get back together with him for sake of ds,it would have to be right between us, just deep down i know it wont happen. my councellor said i am looking for a personality transplant from him. but i cant bear to think he will meet someone else and letting my ds go off with him and new person. i need to move on, some decisions need to be made. i just feel i cant. i dont want to be in the same position another year down the line.

yes,you need to move on,this cant be any good for your ds

and your ex has probably been seeing other women anyway,sorry,but its true.

could you move to a new place? when does he have access? how does that work?

Perhaps you need to find a counsellor who is not with Relate. Relate are really good, but they are couple counselling specialists (although the do great work with those just coming out of a relationship). Your problem is no longer your relationship, your problem is you. Try to find another counsellor who will help you work with you.

Good Luck.

hi thanks for responding. you are right DTD the problem is me.
SD -why cant this be good for DS? I dont understand? there is no confusion to him as he knows we live seperately and we have regular arrangements in place for ds to see his dad.
he is definately not seeing other women, think he is very depressed and i go in his place. in fact he has lived more or less in isolation since he left.
maybe in the future i can move yes, when the settlement from divorce is sorted.it wont be an overnight thing though.
i cant let go :-(

Single, ask your Relate counsellor if they can refer you to someone else. I am sure that they know counsellors better equipped to help someone in your position. You are stuck at the minute, but you don't have to stuck with a counsellor who is not helping you move on too.

DTD, thanks i know where you are coming from. problem is i can understand my councellor being this way. i think she is trying to drum it into me to move on, as you said it is MY PROBLEM. If i was looking in from the outside at someone else in my position i would have said to that person to go for divorce ages ago and move on as i am wasting my life and time. problem is i just cant do this myself and i wish i knew why

What else do you have in your life, single? Do you have a job, study, go to classes, do sports, hang out with friends?

yes i work pt at the moment, go to gym and classes all the time, however am guilty of cutting myself off with personal relationships which is a big problem and perhaps preventing me moving on. take ds to playgroups and swimming aswell. just still very lonely. and finding ds behaviour difficult (which is typical 3 yr old tantrums) but have no support with this

Be brave. You can do this! Your fresh start can't come until you've let the past pass. Can you imagine this in terms of what you will gain (freedom, independence, happiness, a future, a healthy and positive emotional state) rather than what you might lose - which in realistic terms isn't much at all.

Well done for keeping busy and out and about and making sure you do things for yourself.
But the loneliness may be a big factor in your seeking out your ex. Is it something you feel you can address? Perhaps you could contact old friends or make new ones through your own activities and your ds's. Do you know other mums you could have a cup of coffee with or sit in the park and chat while dcs play?

You sound ready to move on, as you seem to be accepting that you and your ex are not going to get back together and that your feelings for himor rather the loneliness that makes you think you still need himis holding you back. But once you recognise that that's the problem, you're well on the way

Hi, just a quick heads-up that Relate runs groups for divorcing individuals & the recently divorced. I'm sure they're a bit of a postcode lottery but, if you find a decent one near you, give it a try. I know some people whose lives literally turned around thanks to these groups.