How can I improve my relationship with dh?

[SwimLittleFish]

I love my dh and I know he loves me but we are going through all that stuff that couples go through after kids.
I have put on 2 stone and don't feel sexy anymore. I'm trying to lose weight as I know thats a big problem for me. I know dh would prefer me slimmer and fitter but he's not pressuring me or anything, it all comes from me and the way I feel. I really hate it but find it difficult to lose any of it (youngest dc is 3).
We don't seem to have much time for each other either and have got into the habit of just watching tv/using the laptop in the evenings. Dh works late usually and I'm really tired when he gets in.

How have other people rebalanced the relationship with partners after children?

Could you do something at the weekend fitness related as a family like cycling?
Or go on your own to a zumba class or similar?

yes,weekend activity! we all go geocaching,incorporate it into a riverside walk/trip to a park or forset etc....gives it more of a purpose and is fun for us all!!

evenings....a short nap before he gets in if he's home late....laptop OFF.

Please try and separate the 2 issues, and tackle each separately.
Lose weight because you want to, or eat more healthily, take some exercise to make yourself feel good etc for you.
Try and spend just 15 minutes with DH catching up on each other's day, or just chatting about nothing much, the book you're reading, his sister's new car, whatever.

Do you have any chance of a babysitter? Maybe make time to go out (alone or with friends) just twice a month- gi es you more to talk about too. Is there something you'd like to do together?

What is it you miss about how you used to be pre-children?

I know the issues need to be tackled separately but my weight is causing issues between me and dh as I don't want any intimacy either. I hate the way I look and lack all confidence.

No babysitters unfortunately.

I just miss spending time together. Chatting about nothing, going out, having meals out. The usual I guess.

Make a plan- a little bit of exercise every other eve, sundays off.
Could you do it before he gets home if he gets in late?
Do you have a wii at all, or ps with eye cam thingy to do workout? Or a dvd player?

There are lots of weightlss threads over on big/little/whateever... join a nice one and yoou will get lots of support and encouragement.

Good luck!

Do some deskercises while on your laptop such as leg raises, crunches - even fidgeting gets the calories off!

Actually, sex is some of the best exercise there is if you take an active interest ! It tones you up and makes you feel great, an hour of sex will see the weight drop off and your confidence soar.
As others have suggested, get out in the fresh air at the weekend too.

.......... an hour of sex .

Not just the one obviously, it needs to be on a regular basis to have the desired effect.

Don't get stuck into routines.

Break the norm sometimes, pounce on him as soon as he gets in from work, turn off the laptop and chat, share a cup of tea in a different room to usual, get a babysitter and go out for a few hours, together.

Start up a project or something together that you can both do in the evenings, far beter than wasting time watching tv or being on laptops.

Have sex, whenever you can, and flirt when you can't.

I agree with the flirting, it's great for boosting your confidence, squeeze his bum when you go past him or nibble his ear from behind if you're looking over his shoulder.
Even simply looking at each other and really listening whilst talking can re-establish a connection.
If he has a bath when he gets home, join him or even just sit with him and talk - make plans for the weekend/whatever, without the interruption of kids.
It does take a little effort but it's more than worth it - it's so easy to get lost from each other as lovers when raising small children and it's important to keep intimacy alive for the health of your relationship.

SLF... when I was at my heaviest and unhappiest I found these as nightwear quite confidence boosting. Get a size thsat is slightly too big rather than figure hugging if you are not happy, they are quite nice to wear and short enough not to get in the way IYSWIM..

Agree also with the flirting, with proper eye contact... think something saucy and it will carry in your eyes.

these

I love these suggestions.
I'll start with the butt squeezing

I've started to go to some exercise classes a couple of times a week and I could do a dvd too.

I agree that we need to start doing stuff over the weekends. All too often it gets taken up by doing chores.

Is it worth splashing out and buying some really gorgeous clothes which you know you look good in? The weight loss will come in due course, but if you feel good about yourself now, you'll feel more attractive to yourself and your DH.

OK SwimLittleFish - if you really want to lose weight then then best ways are - swimming, running, cycling or fast walking. All respect to previous posters but raising your legs whilst on a laptop or playing on the Wii will NOT work! Otherwise Olympic athletes would do it!

You may burn one or two extra calories but you need to burn fat and tone up. And you can - you just need to sweat!

A half hour fast walk everyday will work wonders but you have to be slightly out of breath and 'glowing'! Lengthen your stride and kick up those autumn leaves and enjoy it. Go out specifically to walk - walking to the supermarket and then walking round the aisle does not count!

Swimming - I assume you can swim from your name! Again, half an hour of lengths. Try not to stop too long in between. If you're a bit self conscious is there a women only time you can go? Also I'm happy with my weight but prefer a tankini - Google it - as it covers up a bit more and you can get away with a less than immaculate bikini line.

Running - if you've never run before try Googling a running club near you. Lots are happy to encourage beginners. Running is the best way to lose weight fast but do invest in a good pair of trainers.

Cycling - do it at the gym if you prefer, try and keep the same pace for half an hour. This is non-impact like swimming.

Best thing to do is do a mixture of all of these - called cross-training - so you don't overstress any muscles. Try and do one of these a day (walking is the least strenuous) and the weight will drop off.

Sorry for the essay but losing weight is easy (really!) but you do have to exercise and SWEAT! None of this 'do some gardening' or 'play on the Wii' bollocks that you see on some adverts. Good luck.

Thanks Rhinestone for your advice.
If I think about it, its really the weight that is the root of the issue. I think I actually avoid getting too close to dh in case he wants to get intimate.

I think I really need to be serious about this now because its ruining everything for me. I hate dressing up, hate going out. I think I actually avoid going out on the weekends as I hate how I look.

Time to get serious.

Of course what you look like doesn't matter so long as YOU are happy - but you're not. Really go for it girl - the weight will come off, I promise! Any movement at all will burn calories but this higher intensity stuff will burn fat too (and more calories) and that's what you're after.

If you can fit in a half hour brisk walk every day, plus something else you will see a difference in a week I suspect.

Plus exercise increases your libido! Exercise classes are a great idea too but in my experience some of them claim to be 'hard' but they're not. Don't rely on them.

P.S. Make sure you come back and brag let us know how you get on.

I will do.
As soon as dh comes home, I'm rejoining the gym. He should be home by 7.30 today. I've got my gym clothes ready and am going to get changed in a bit.
Its a really friendly gym and they have a weight management thing where they'll weigh and measure you and give you a program to follow. Fingers crossed!

Great stuff, good for you!!

But remember, don't get too hung up on what you weigh as muscle weighs more than fat. Maybe take a waist measurement and thigh measurement as well. And it's what you LOOK like too and you are the best judge of that!

And do exercise in the outdoors too, a park, woods or field near you maybe - fresh air, trees and squirrels are all very inspiring!