tough relationship with foster sibling - would I be right to cut her loose?

[amaterasu]

I don't know if I am posting this in the correct place but I have really been struggling for the past few months.

Everything that my sister(foster) has told me for the past 3 years has been a pack of lies and I am gutted

I am the oldest of 6 kids, 4 being fostered by my parents when I was 13 years old so I always felt protective towards them. 3 years ago when she was 27 my foster sister came to me and told me that she had met this amazing guy and she was head over heels in love with him...I was so happy for her.

I kept asking over the following months when I was going to meet this guy (Paul) and she told me that he worked away so was not around a lot but was in touch with her by text messages

I began to get suspicious when he turned up at my place of work to pick my sister up and wasnt wearing a shirt, he had a females name tattooed across his back and I asked my sister if he was married - she said no, the tattoo was for his child and he was no longer with the mother

She became pregnant and had a baby to him, she complained all the time that he didn't have time for the baby and she then asked me to have the baby (10 weeks old) for the weekend while he took her away and I refused as I already have 6 kids of my own - she said she would ask her friend to have the baby despite her friend having a newborn of her own and the friend said yes!!

Said friend was a bit of a doormat, drove my sister everywhere, went to antenatal classes with her, allowed her husband to drive my sister to the hospital when she was in labour

Last December at my sons birthday party she took a phonecall on her mobile, dashed into another room and then returned to the kitchen in floods of tears saying that she had a confession to make - she knew who his(Pauls) wife was - her best friend!!! and his name isnt Paul lol

Everything my sister has told me over the last 3 years has been bullshit, she has -along with her spineless twat of a 'boyfriend' wrecked her best friends marriage - it is so much worse than what I have typed here ...this is a brief (lol) outline ...AIBU to fuck her off completely ...maybe I did put this in the wrong category afterall

Forgot to add that they were pregnant at the same time and the babies were born 2 weeks apart

the same friend?

Yes Mrs Rhett ...its a saga beyond belief and reads like a script from Single White Female ....I am just despairing right now :(

i take it you were close growing up?

i don't really know tbh, if she were your blood sis instead of foster would you feel the same?

yes I would feel the same, I want nothing more to do with her but I fear for my nephew in all of this because she is clearly not of sane mind

I have met the wife of 'Paul' and she is distraught , he has moved out of the area and my sister hasn't been seen since June - but I know she is still alive.

The wife tells me that my sister got the same tatoos as her and even went so far as getting the same furnishings for her home as they had in the family home, same TV, even using the same washing powder and soap ....WTF??

It would seem that my sister was trying to BE his wife

Well thanks for your help guys ....but really thanks for your input MrsRhett

wow! i'm not sure i'm equipped to give advice, but i think i would have to stay in some sort of contact for your nephews sake....

poor wife :(

i would bump this for the morning crowd if i were you :)

I have not had contact with her since 16th June when she called me and asked me to cover her arse because the wife was on the warpath...I told her that I would not lie for her as I am not a liar....the wife was told the truth although she wont accept that the child is her husbands (even though he is the image of her existing children)

Just wanted to respond as you've not had many responses.

She sounds awful to be honest and if it was me, I would no longer want to have anything to do with her. This is terrible behaviour and there is no way I could be friends / 'practising' family with anyone like this.

Hope you get more responses in the morning.

I think there's a difference, though, between being friends with your foster sister and being a sister to her.

I wouldn't want anything to do with her, but in the end, she's part of your family. She doesn't seem to be in touch with you anyway, so maybe you won't have any reason to worry about your relationship with her.

If you don't like her and her behaviour then there is no obligation to continue a relationship with her just because you were brought up together, I'd say the same about a blood relative.

I love my sister and if she got involved in something this stupid I would still support her, but not lie for her, she has to learn to face the music if she's going to have messy relationships.
I would support her because i love and like her though, not because she is my sister and I think family bonds have some mystical significance.

Must admit though that if my sister had lied for me for 3 years I probably wouldn't like her as much, in general she'll tell me about her relationships, or if she thinks I won't approve just doesn't bother telling me anything rather than lying.
If she'd regularly lied to me we'd have a totally different relationship.

Just to get this straight-did she know for the three (?) years that this guy was married or was she strung along by him?

My initial reaction would be to be so disgusted if she knew that I would want nothing to do with her tbh.

But I don´t think there´s any right or wrong here-you must do what you want imo.

Is there any way you can find out how her son is without having to see her?

I'm sorry for not getting back here sooner, this is the first chance I have had - thankyou for your responses

diddl She knew that he was married to her best friend all along, she was going round there for dinner , days out etc ...but led the family to believe that the reason she hadn't introduced him to anyone was because he worked away on building sites. She lost contact with other siblings prior to all of this because she slept with their boyfriends behinds their backs also so there is no way of me making contact with her through other family members.

2rebecca I thinks that what hurts me the most, the fact that she has told bare faced lies to cover her disgusting behaviour and yet wanted me to lie FOR her to keep her out of trouble

atswim Yes I suspect you are correct - I doubt that she will try to get back in touch but then again, she is THAT hardfaced she possibly would but I think she will find the door firmly wedged shut as I want no further contact - not even for an explanation

Thanks all :)

I would not blame you for cutting back contact. I would say that as a foster child she probably had some awful early experiences. Abuse/neglect can damage a person fundamentally and some of what you have described sounds like psychological disturbance. It's up to you if you can live with her issues though - it's not your responsibility.

It' hard to advise someone as to whether they should cut off contact with their sister. On the strength of what you've said here, it sounds as though your sister has serious problems that she needs professional help with. Sleeping with the boyfriends/husbands of her friends and siblings (if I understood that correctly) is not normal behaviour. She sounds like she needs far more help than you could give her.

I think that she could drag you down if you get too caught up in her life and her problems. I don't think I would cut her off completely, because I would want to keep an eye out for my nephew, but I would certainly distance myself from being too involved.

I would also make clear to her that I in no way condone her behaviour and most definitely would not lie for her. I think she needs to see a counsellor or psychiatrist to get help for why she treats people as she does.

You can love her but not like her or support her actions.

IMO I wouldn't cut her off. You don't have to like, or condone what she has done, but I think blood is thicker than water (so to speak). She sounds stupid and possibly abit mentally unstable (furnishing house the same etc.) rather than out and out nasty. Some people are vunerable, get sucked into anything for some love and affection. The person in the wrong here is that boyfriend.

ENM
I would agree with you that before she came to live with my family aged 5 she certainly did witness and experience some serious trauma and I know she is in need of psychological help, I have tried so hard in the past to get her that help to no avail as she told me that she had been going to the counselling sessions that we had arranges through her GP but I now know that she didn't attend a single session.

Karmabeliever
My sister has always been rather 'loose' morally and I have always stood by her as I understood her 'need' to feel wanted but what I couldn't condone was her need for every man to want her regardless of whether he was attached or not, it was almost like she would make a beeline for married/attached men as trophies to prove that she could get any man she wanted.

scary
Maybe I'm still reeling from the shock of this situation but I don't feel at the moment that I can have contact with her as I am just so angry with her - there is more to why I am feeling so bitter towards her - things that the wife has told me that my sister had told her about myself and my DH (complete unadulterated lies)

And you are right, the boyfriend is a spineless twat who still won't admit to his wife what really went on - he still maintains that he has never been with my sister even though we have proof to the contrary, I just wish he would grow a pair and tell his wife the truth, she deserves that much.

I do feel terribly sorry for my nephew as all he has now is his mother, no extended family whatsoever and even if I wanted to, I have no way of finding out where she is as she has quite literally disappeared :(

It sounds to me as if she needs some psychiatric care. Whether or not you are the person to help her get that depends on your own state of mind and strength. Having said that, you do need to make a decision as to whther her child is in any danger, and if so, you need to speak to social services.

Hi Loopy, I have no doubt that she needs psychiatric care. I have been so strong and cared for her for so long but now I feel that I have been stabbed in the back by her and thats maybe what I am feeling that I don't want to know her any longer.

When she first went missing I contacted her landlord who told me that her rent had been paid til the middle of July but the property had indeed been vacated - I haven't got the faintest idea where to start looking for her as the whole lot - everything she has told me about for 3 years has been lies - even about stuff she wouldn't even have to lie about - WEIRD!!