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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is it me?

18 replies

Takemebacktothestart · 25/10/2010 15:49

first post, dont really know what it is exactly im hoping to gain from it, maybe impartial advice?

got with my boyfriend 4 years ago, we are both in our twenties. When we first got together he had an ex he had been with for 2 years, slim, tanned blond, clled herself a model, you know the ones. she treated him like complete and utter s* but still he would jump through hoops for her...
i could never really get over her until he did, which he now claims he has.
we were together a year when one night we were lying in bed together and he was txting another girl, we split up for a week when he slept with one of my enemies. and i know this will sound so silly but inbetween all this hes the most perfect guy ever, and over the last year things really have changed.
however i cant let the stuff go, the thought of not being with him destroys me but i keep casting these things up to him and i know i should let go..
the final straw came last night when he was drunk, he said he was sick of this he called me every name under the sun and made me out to be the worst person he'd ever met, he was sick of being made out to be the bad one it was actually me that was in the wrong he says..
i know i have to get over my insecurities about the ex and the other little mistakes inbetween but it will take time, am i being unreasonable?
x

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 25/10/2010 15:53

i think yabu by saying 'is it you?' because he sounds like no reall catch to me

loopylouwitchywoo6 · 25/10/2010 16:04

He sounds an arse. However, you have to make your choice, either leave him or stat with him, but if you do this, you're gonna have to stop referring back to his 'little mistakes'
I would leave tho, he sounds a twat.

Original poster
Takemebacktothestart · 25/10/2010 16:08

everyone gives the same advie so there must be something to it. i really cant sit here and say im totally innocent i do bring it up and get digs in so it must be hard for him but hes destroyed my confidence and last night said that he, dispite the fact ive never gave him any reason what so ever, is the one that doesnt trust me. he thinks im going to F about behind his back to 'even it out' which i wouldnt even consider

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 25/10/2010 16:09

you do sound insecure, and also rather immature (both of you, that is) and he is a twat

"slept with one of your enemies ..." [hhmm]

who has "enemies" when you are in your 20's ?

and did he sleep with her to get back at you for something ?

I just couldn't be botheed with the drama, tbh

ScaryFucker · 25/10/2010 16:10

bothered

mumonthenet · 25/10/2010 16:36

One other "little mistake" of his that you might not yet recognise....

He is trying to make everything your fault. This is screwing with your mind.

He doesn't really think you're going to F about behind his back. But the best way to put you on the back foot is to accuse you of everything under the sun.

Why waste your 20's like this...you should be having fun, learning and growing.

God I sound like an old fogey.

ScaryFucker · 25/10/2010 16:37

I make no apologies for being an old fogey

Relationships shouldn/t be this much hard work

I also think him accusing you of thinking of F'ing around is just a cover for his own dirty deeds

msboogieHallowqueen · 25/10/2010 22:54

"the thought of not being with him just destroys me"

that's just pure self-indulgence and utter nonsense.

Don't be so bloody daft woman.

You should never be so dependant on another person. It's pathetic. If a relationship doesn't work out, or a bloke turns out to be a plonker, you dust yourself off and move the hell on. The alternative is to put up with shite for ever or until he buggers off with someone else.

Get a bloody grip, will you.

animula · 25/10/2010 23:06

I'm afraid I'm having a gloomy evening tonight ... just a warning.

OK. So imagine you stay with him. And have children. and get older. And, just as a for instance, your mother gets ill, very ill. Is he going to support you through that? Or you get ill? Very ill? How's he going to handle that? Imagine him taking life or death decisions, on your behalf, in intensive care. Or having to wash you.

Does that sound extreme? Oddly enough, that's been my experience, and I'm only in the first half of my forties. The washing, etc., was after a childbirth experience that was intense.

Basically, this doesn't sound like a relationship that's going to be good for you as you (both) encounter the rough patches of life. And it's also not bringing a great deal of joy at the moment. So it's not exactly a fun relationship either, by the sounds of things.

Life is way too short. Go and kiss some more frogs.

Original poster
Takemebacktothestart · 26/10/2010 09:12

he actually can be a good guy though thats the thing its me that cant let go of his past and the things he does when we split up, but in all fairness it isnt really any of my business is it?

OP posts:
MrsSOAK · 26/10/2010 09:56

sorry but I don't see where you have the idea that this man is a good guy? Good Guys don't sleep with other people; good guys don't lie in bed with you and text others and good guys don't try to blame others (you) for their failings.
You are young; and life is for enjoying. Doesn't sound to me like you are enjoying it very much at the moment.
As for not being with him destroying you, I doubt that very much. It will hurt if you were to split up, the end of a relationship is always painful but imagine yourself in 5 or 10 years time, when things between you have the possibility of being more serious and his behaviour hasn't changed.

LoveMyGirls · 26/10/2010 10:00

Split up for 6 months and see how things are then. If you are both single and still want to be together try again with a fresh start.

Original poster
Takemebacktothestart · 26/10/2010 10:04

love my grils, weve done this and i say i can forget everything as i genuinely think i can then we'll have an argument and i find myself fling it in is face once again, its a vicious circle

OP posts:
wholelotofarse · 26/10/2010 10:05

'he actually can be a good guy though thats the thing its me that cant let go of his past and the things he does when we split up ............' so you are still waiting fir another fuck up then??? That's healthy Hmm Listen if this was your friend going through all this what would you be telling her? To stick it out it will all be lovely in the end or tell her to leave with a slight hint of dignity and accept the fact he isnt a great guy (he wouldnt have done any of that stuff if he was) and that she will find someone worthy of your time. Oh and you are in your 20's not at school with enemies Hmm

ScaryFucker · 26/10/2010 10:27

msboogie, I think I love you for that post

my thoughts entirely

and if more women (and men) applied that logic to their own lives, they might find they didn't get shit on in the first place...

bundlebelly · 26/10/2010 10:40

Some good words on here for you takemeback Have you got kids? Don't waste your twenties giving someone like this power over you. Texting other women? shagging someone else within a week? Calling you names? Blaming you for it all? What crap, you don't need it and nor do your kids if you have them.

Original poster
Takemebacktothestart · 26/10/2010 11:21

nah no kids, im infertile..

OP posts:
3thumbedwitch · 26/10/2010 11:29

the bloke's a loser.
And you are staying with him for what? Occasional niceness, in between rows and him being unfaithful?
Waste of time.
Dump him now, grow up a bit and get away from people like this.

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