Hello. I am new here and have been lurking for the past week or so. I desp need your help! Sorry this will prob be quite long but I appreciate your patience J
I have been with DH for just over 5 yrs, married for 2. We have 2 DC together, DS age 4 and DD age 3. I also have DS from prev marriage, aged 14.
Me and DH were friends for years and although he wanted more, I didn?t find him attractive (didn?t tell him this of course). Anyway after a few failed relationships and feeling a bit left on the shelf I thought with my head and decided DH would give me a good life (he thought a lot of me, we had fun together and he was clever & practical).
At the time I owned my own home and car, and had made a big profit in the housing boom.
We wanted a family together and soon I fell preg with DS and we needed a bigger home. my credit rating was terrible so to get decent rate DH got mortgage for our new home in his name only. I trusted DH with all my heart (was having his child) and we sold my home, used a chunk of the money for a deposit on our new home, bought car & baby things, had some lovely weekends away etc etc Times were good - we were sooooo in love and happy.
Fell preg with DD and we were on cloud 9 when found out we were going to have a girl!!!
Couple year ago DH was offered a job with better prospects but risky as was a new company - we sat down together and discussed it sensibly. He wanted to take the risk and I agreed to support him. HUGE MISTAKE.
Since working with this company owner (will call him OM as its like they joined at hip) DH has changed so much.
OM is v wealthy and owns race horses. He is a big gambler. Whilst DH has always liked a flutter or 2, he has become obsessed with gambling. We used to share our finances and he had pocket money - all of a sudden he was getting big pay rises and our financial arrangement didn?t suit him anymore. He opened his own bank acc and I was no longer allowed access to it, although he took over the payment of mortgage, my car finance and most of bills. I had my salary to pay for and shopping and kids clothes/treats etc. whilst it doesn?t seem bad - I felt pushed out. Felt as though we weren?t a proper family anymore.
DH started working longer hours and even when was home was getting phone calls 24-7 from OM about work.
I became resentful as I couldn?t apply for better jobs as could only do certain hours around childcare etc. therefore he was earning loads more yet I wasn?t seeing any benefit. He didn?t spend any money on us or on home. It was just his - to gamble away. He was always asking me for £20 here, £50 there during the month as he had nothing left.
Whilst DH wouldn?t know how to use the washing machine or hoover - I had never really minded before he started this job. But he became so critical of the house tidiness, lack of ironing etc. instead of giving me any sort of love or affection - he constantly put me down about weight gain and my hair looking greasy.
The doctor increased my anti-depressants and I had counselling but still felt so low. My life was looking after kids, working, and being a slave to DH and I resented this.
Me n DH never went out together anymore - not alone as a couple and not as a family.
We had our first family holiday this year and it was wonderful - OM was out of the picture and we were together having fun with the kids and together. DH said he was going to stop gambling as he hadn?t realised what we were missing - and he would rather us have 3 holidays a year etc. I felt close to him again.
After a week of being home however, things got back to the normal rutt. Him out at 5am, me being like a single parent and him coming home from work whenever he fancied - 7pm, 10pm, even 1am.
Yeah I know it was work - but we were like strangers and couldn?t communicate anymore.
When I complained he would kick off saying he was out providing for his family? that I was not supportive of him etc.
A few weeks ago DH said he was only with me for the kids and I felt a stabbing pain.
I cried and begged and he agreed to give it another go. I promised to do more around the house and make sure it was spotless and ironing was kept up-to-date etc.
The next weekend was the same - he started on about how unhappy he was. I arranged for kids to be looked after so we could go out, then he said he had no cash (a day after his payday). I asked how and he kicked off saying was none of my business. He made out that I had only become interested in his finances since he started getting pay rises, making me feel greedy.
We ended up staying in again, me going to bed in tears.
The next morning I begged him to try give us a change and he agreed again.
Next weekend and we had few glasses of wine and were, I thought, enjoying each others company. Out of the blue he started saying there was something wrong with the ?ironing process? as ?his clothes weren?t filtering through to him?.
I was so hurt and angry and told him I was sick of being treat like his slave and that if he was really so unhappy with me he could leave.
He thanked me for making his mind up once and for all. I was gutted but angry.
He went to work the next morning and refused to speak to me. he came home 10pm and I asked what he was doing here. I said I didn?t want him to go, I wanted us to be together but that if he was sure he wanted to leave, that he would go now and not torture me any more. He left that night.
Within days he had removed me and all my family/friends from his face book friends. The next day he removed our marriage link and announced himself as single (he forgot to delete one of my friends and she told me he is listed as single).
My heart is broken and it has now been 2 weeks. The doctor has given me a month off work to sort things out.
He has taken all of his stuff and is staying at his mams.
I feel so lost and sometimes feel suicidal (have suffered with depression for over 10 years).
He texts asking about kids and when he can have them overnight. But that?s the only contact.
I am 36 with 3 kids to 2 dif dads and I feel like such a failure. I am worried he will be wanting to buy himself somewhere to live and where will that leave me n kids and this house?
I put all of my security into us and our family. Seems like I could lose everything and I feel guilty and stupid.
At the minute I just want him to come home. We were miserable but I know that if we communicated and spent time together we could love each other again and be happy.
I cannot understand how he could just walk away without even giving it a proper go (going away for a weekend together or even out for a meal).
I look at the kids and my heart breaks - I don?t want them to grow up without their dad at home.
My heart hurts - it?s a physical pain. I feel sick.
I try to look positive and normal when he comes to see kids - I got my hair done and put make-up on etc. I havent begged at all this time but have let him know this isn?t what I want.
I just wish I had maybe put more of an effort in with our relationship instead of feeling resentful all time.
Oh dear - am in bits. Wish he would walk through the door and hug me? :( xxx