Relationship counselling?

[Elmarjeritathevampire]

Has anyone been to relate or any other marriage guidance organisation? I'm considering doing this with my husband but don't have a clue where to start! I would be grateful for any tips from anyone who has done it. I particularly want to know how much it costs, is it worth going and is there one organisation which is better than others?

TIA

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You might get some more responses, OP, if you tell us more about the problems that you think are besetting your relationship. I'd recommend different solutions to different problems, you see.

Good point! Ok in a nutshell dh is suffering from depression which he is on medication for and is due to start counselling soon. We have a 1yo ds who loves his daddy and who he is a fantastic father to. Things came to a head recently when I found out he'd been lying about a lot of things and I threw him out. Its something that I had threatened to do several times before but I don't think either of us thought I'd actually go through with it (we had been having the same argument over and over).

We've been together for 10 years and married for 4. Hes a good man and I do love him but can't go back to how things were. We both really want to work this out but don't know how, neither of us really knows if its actually over or not and for ds's sake we need to either split for good or somehow fix things

thing is he needs to sort out his depression first.

i would suggest you go to indivdual counselling yourself for now.

What was he lying about OP?

He was lying about money mostly, not paying bills which got us in a lot of debt. There were other silly things like saying he'd posted letters when he hadn't

don't mean to hijack thread but I'm also wanting to do couples counselling with my DP and have been thinking of Relate - but if there are any other recommendations out there, would appreciate hearing about them. Sorry OP, I'll just lurk and see what comes up...

I've done Relate couples counselling dealing with aftermath of H's infidelity. It was helpful in the immediate situation in encouraging us to feel we were addressing the crisis. But I felt that the counsellor was very reluctant to make judgements about what H had done, and this enabled him to avoid taking full responsibility for his behaviour and actions. At least some separate counselling on a one-to-one basis might have been more effective.

I'm not sure if this is the Relate 'line' to be non-judgemental, but it's not necessarily the best approach in all situations.

Practicalities: if you're able to be flexible on times you can get seen much more quickly. You pay according to a set scale based on your earnings from £40 per session to about £80 I think.

I really hope you can work things out

Thanks for the replies, Bloomintroll thats good to know. £40 per session is a lot of money, especially now I'm paying off the debts! I think the individual counselling sounds like a good idea too, dh is having some through his gp but I assume I'd have to organise something myself. Any ideas how to do that anyone?

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You can organise counselling through your GP too. Most surgeries have a consellor attached and it's free.
Have a clear idea about what you want to get out of it - it's not just a case of turn up and everything's suddenly better.
Bloomintroll my experience was so different - DH had been texting a colleague, never got physical but I was devastated - I wanted to find ways to move on, I felt the counsellor held me back and kept bringing everything to the surface - he was scathing about DH, and told me it was Ok to get angry and throw a few plates!! I'd come out feeling worse than when I went in!

Relate might be the best option for you then, OP, but can I add that the person who lies about money and activity, generally lies about other things too?

As a generality, I always think it's worth screening counsellors before committing to therapy. You might want to ask whether the counsellor recommended, has experience of financial deception, or the wider problem of secrets and lies within marriage.

Finally, therapy is useless when one or both of the participants are hiding a secret of any kind. It's not fair to the therapist and it's not fair to the unsighted partner. Go only if you can both commit to honesty.

I would not recommend couple counselling at the minute, as your DH is due to see a counsellor alone soon. I would recommend that you try getting a referal for counselling yourself.
Bloomintroll, it is counselling policy that all counsellors be non-judgemental, as it would negatively impact the honesty of the client and discourage them from properly participating in the theraputic relationship.

Dh and got got counselling through the nhs. It might be worth you both (separately or together) talking to your gps about your problems.

I went to talk to my gp about my lack of libido, Dh went to talk to gp about his near depression (not just down to lack of sex )

Between the two of us, the nhs paid for nearly a year of monthly counselling sessions which has significantly improved our relationship, ability to communicate, satisfaction (as it were) and overall happiness.

It also gave me a big boost to my confidence levels, I feel much more able to express my feelings and be myself.

Dione
I don't mean that counsellors should take sides and I wouldn't expect them to express a judgement. What I take issue with is that this approach can validate the mind-set that 'things happen' rather than 'I did this'.

Bloomin, I didn't take it that way, it's just that all counsellors (regardless if it's couple or individual) are expected to be non-judgemental, with a few extreme exceptions.

It is sad that your husband didn't take responsibility for his actions, but it wasn't the counsellor's job to make him do so (nor could they have done). Your husband's reluctance to do so must have been another hurdle in your reconciliation. I hope you are ok now.[hsmile]

Thanks Dione
Yes, he didn't truly face up to his actions but also the focus was all about moving forward without really looking back. We were able to go through 6 + months of sessions without dealing with the main underlying issue which was that he had allowed a secret online sex habit to escalate and completely dominate his life.

Oh man Bloomin, that must have been really hard for you. What was the outcome (if you don't mind my asking)?[hsad]

Do I know you from the Narc thread?

I would also agree that if your OH is about to begin individual counselling you perhaps should wait to be counselled as a couple and perhaps look for some individual counselling yourself.

I also endorse Dione's posts about the counsellor needing to be non judgmental.

If there is a long wait with your GP and you are prepared to pay you could search the "Find a Therapist" section of the BACP's website as a first port of call.

If one of you has individual counselling then couples counselling is not usually permitted at the same time.

Hi Dione
I've thought some more about what I was trying to articulate about the Relate couples counsellor. I think the issue was that she encouraged us to believe that because we were equally responsible for the relationship in which infidelity took place, that also meant that we were both had responsibility for the infidelity itself. And this allowed H to avoid confronting the full reality of his actions because he could view his behaviour as a response rather than a deliberate and harmful choice.

In the last week H has made significant progress towards admitting to himself, to me and to other people that he has a real problem with internet sex. He's now seen a specialist psychotherapist and is going to start group therapy next week which will be based on the 12 Steps AA model.

(I'm not on any Narc threads, though maybe I should start to educate myself!)

Hi Bloomin, sorry it has taken so long to get back to you. Your counsellor was correct to encourage you both to take responsibility for your relationship but his infidelity was his responsibility. If he was having problem he could have dealt with them in other ways, such as communicating them to you, going to counselling at that point or leaving. He didn't and the fact that he still did not accept responsibility is worrying. After all if he really wanted to fix your relationship he would have, right?

I am glad that he is undergoing therapy alone and I hope it will help. In the meantime perhaps you would be interested in having a look here. You may or may not find it or the links on it useful.