Ok, so I think that I will be (rightly) flamed for this but maybe that's part of what I'm after.. Sorry it's a bit long.
Been with (D)H for nearly 10 years, two DC (one DC and my DC from a previous relationship). I've felt quite unhappy for quite some time and started with trivial things about money, housework and generally not feeling supported in anything I did. A massive issue for us was when he started his own business 6 years ago. I was very supportive at first but gradually, his time away from home, the lack of money and the fact that this business took precedence over anything else began to take it?s toil. He also had a big dope habit which fuelled a lot of the tension. I was on the verge of leaving, got very close a couple of times but always felt that I would be deserting him. Amazingly (as sex was very limited too), I fell pregnant. He was over the moon instantly, but I was a little more dubious. Gradually, I came round to the idea that it could be a really good thing for us. And it was, initially. He gave up the business and got a job, we moved house, somewhere cheaper and away from the area (less exposed to the other smokers). DC2 came along and everything seemed lovely in our own little bubble.
Anyway, fast forward a few years. I went back to work when baby was small and my job was increasing pressured, with 2 DCs found it regularly very difficult to cope on a daily basis. DP always out of the house very early (3-4am) by choice, meaning that I would do the mornings, he would do the pick up and we hardly ever crossed paths apart from for dinner occasionally (he would often fall asleep immediately after dinner because he woke up so early). I lost 2 close family members over short space of time and I began to drink quite a lot, and stay out of his way whenever I could trying to avoid home - many evenings a week I would go drinking with work colleagues and not get back until late.
Eventually, a friend I'd confided in became a bit more than that and we found ourselves in the middle of an emotional affair. DH and I split up, him being very aware of my EA whilst I was (still) trying to convince him that the problems were about us and not the OM. I know now that it was both, one fuelling the other. I'm now in an awful position and I know I've brought it all about myself. I do think that i still love DH but I know that can't be with him right now, finding it hard to be without him - practically - and so find myself resenting him for different reasons. I know that I really need space just for me and the girls but I'm finding it difficult. My friends have all got sick of me complaining about DH and so they don't want to hear anymore. I kind of think that I want to be with DH because I still feel like a failure for messing up yet another relationship, but I know that I need a better reason and more importantly, I have to leave it for a while. We both need to change in many ways. We never found time for ourselves, I know that but I kind of resent him for not trying harder with all of the mundane crap. Money was always a big issue for us as he could and still cannot handle it properly. He smoking habit always came before anything else and I can't let my DCs be put second to that again.
Sorry for the rant, I think I just needed to write something down. I guess one thing I'm asking is - is it possible to rebuild a relationship that involved so much selfishness and betrayal? and needs two people to completely change their personalities? Or is that just the stuff of fairytales. We've spoken about relate but I not sure as I feel like if I agree it might be giving DH (false?) hope.