Emotionally unavailable men

[littlestmummystop]

I have a problem with them, in that they are always the ones I like the most.

I recently met a man who categorically told me he didn't want a relationship at the start. However he kept trying 'to be friends' and texted and emailed all day long for weeks/ months. Looking back he wanted to string me along..

Eventually we started seeing each other, having sex, and even though he wasn't very nice to me sometimes and appeared very detached and distant at time and he continued telling me we were not having a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, I felt so happy to be pursued by him. I thought I could change him and ignored all advice to the contrary.

Four months later, I finally managed to end it, although I felt completely and utterly in love. :( I am so angry with myself. He didn't deserve anything from me at all.

I still feel obsessed and now heartbroken. I have had counselling/ had emotionally rubbish parents etc. but how can I move on and not keep making same mistakes when my heart is so powerfully attracted to this type of bloke?

So you've learnt. Next time ignore all those needy texts and emails. Work out what you want (eg mutual respect) and what you don't want (read your post)

Lots of people will soon be here to congratulate you for dumping the arse. Because You Deserve Better.

Well you've taken the first step towards curing yourself of your attraction to emotionally unavailable men by having counselling and recognising that your parents didn't fulfill your childhood needs and presumably taught you to expect not to have emotional engagement from the people you love.

The next step is to put your insight into practice and recognise that it is better to be single, than to have a bad relationship. And read. There are so many books out there about how to overcome a childhood that was emotionally inadequate, you need to read a few more so that the insights get more drummed into you (and may spark off other insights) and recognise that a man who needs changing, isn't a man you should be with. Even if you rationally recognise that, it sounds like emotionally you still can't resist it, and you need to let your rational side take the lead here.

There are men who do this... who repeatedly state that 'I don't want a relationship', then behave exactly as if they are in one.

It's like turning up for work every day, getting paid and yet reminding your boss that you don't work for him.

Utter bollocks.

Anyway, the point is it's not you; it's him.

Yes there are masses of them.

And then, when you call their bluff on it and mention that you are (thinking of/) fucking someone else as well as them and you know they won't mind because you're not really in a relationship, jsut a fuck-buddy set-up, they are outraged.

He behaved exactly as if we were in a relationship. Inviting me out places, being all caring about stuff going on in my life, constantly texting like a stream of consciousness.

I knew where he was, what he was having for dinner, what work was like. Sometimes from morning till night time.

Why do men do this? Why do they bother? It wasn't even all about the sex as we only did it a few times.

Yet if I asked what was happening he told me he wasn't in the right place for a relationship. I am so proud of myself for stopping it all now.

They do it because they can.

It's a control thing. They enjoy keeping you dangling.

As soon as you make it clear that you're not dangling, they completely lose interest in you.

Actually a few times I pretended to lose interest and he increased the intensity.

He seemed to sense if I was backing off and he chased more.

I decided to be upfront and told him exactly how strongly I felt for him and because I knew he didn't feel the same I'd have to let him go. He told me he knew he'd regret losing me- but 'had' to do it as didn't want a relationship.

At this point, I told him I didn't believe he'd regret it- otherwise why do it- and then he told me he'd decided it was better not to be in touch anymore!

LOL classic.

He sensed that this time you meant it, so to maintain control he decided he had to be the one to end it.

They follow a fucking script. Almost to the letter!

Yep. Depressing as I fell for it.

This is so "by the book". It is totally a control thing. The only way now you can keep the control on this one and therefore your head is to keep it up.

I agree with HerBeatitude - he simply couldn't let YOU end it so had to do it himself. Rest assured that of course he will miss you but if you give up and contact him and let him know how upset you are you will give him that control back and lose your head again.

It is bloody hard. But you simply must not contact for your own sanity.

If a man tells you he does not want to be in a relationship, then he doesn't.

OP, you say that you have a problem with such men, as they are the ones you are attracted to. Perhaps the reason you prefer emotionally unavailable men is because you are emotionally unavailable. Maybe this is something that you should look into further.

Going forward, when it comes to men, look for someone who does want a relationship and backs it up with actions. Also look at yourself, if you do not want to be committed, don't look for men at all. Being on your own is OK, sometimes it is necessary and brilliant.

think yourself lucky that you came to your senses after only four months, some of us have done it for four years or more.

Well done you!