Is it normal to not miss DH

[greatweekend]

DH has been away this weekend. It has been wonderful. I work and he looks after the kids. So at the weekend they always gravitate to him which firstly makes him cross and irritable with them and secondly means I find it harder to get close to them.

This weekend, he has been away with friends and I have not missed him one bit. I didn't feel the need to call him and have just pottered around with the kids having a lovely time. It has meant much better quality time with them - we have played together and chatted and cuddled all weekend. They don't have my DH's legs to hang off - which is what they normally do.

Not having him around as also meant a lovely calm and unstressed atmosphere. As said above, having them jump all over him during the week and at the weekend makes him stressed and irritable. He has had 5 months off work and is just about to start working again; he adores them, but cannot see past the fact that him looking after them full time was only for a relatively short period.

I am worried. I didn't miss him at all. I actually loved being with them by myself and alone in the house with no stress and no fights. There are other issues in our relationship and we haven't been intimate for a while.

Do you think this is normal (we have been married 5 yrs and have 2 DCs under 4) or do you think it is a bad sign?

Well it could just be the novelty of it and if it was a regular occurence you might feel differently.

Must admit I feel very similar when DH is away the atmosphere is very different

Agree with Connor, could really just be the novelty of your weekend.

My DH works away alot and recently (over the past 3 months) has been home so much more and is also changing jobs soon. He will be working from home and will still travel but will he here for the majority of the time. While I am happy his work situation is changing, I am secretly dreading him being at home all the time!

This is not to say I don't love him or him being here but I am now so very used to running the house and organising the children (he has been doing this job for about 7 years and our dcs are 6 and 4)myself I find it hard to "let" him do his bit. I do understand the atmosphere being different as it is very different here atm. I have had to adjust as well. Big changes are acoming!

Hope you and your dh are happy to see each other when he gets home. I don't think you should necessarily worry about not missing him for the weekend, it is good to have a bit of time apart and the usual routine. xx

Apologies for the xx!

Probably just the novelty of it.

I have often felt like that, but DH has just got back from a whole week (more like 10 days with 2 weekends) and I DID miss him towards the end of the week.

It is often easier to deal with the DC short-term with just one parent around, and of course you don't get lonely because you have company with the DC.

I would be careful not to make this into something it isn't. On the very odd occasion that DH goes out for the evening I don't miss him hugely. I get the kids to bed and enjoy some peace to just potter about. Having said that I am going away with the kids for 2 nights and won't see dh from tomorrow morning until Wednesday evening and I half don't want to go as I don't want to be away from him and will miss him loads.

Thank you all. Sorry for the gap - was reading stories. Don't worry about the xx!!! It's nice!

You see Phipps, I travel with work quite a bit - I have a demanding job and that is partly why he hasn't worked for 5 months - although he is going back now. When I travel I can be away for 4-5 days. I don't miss him at all then. I will call - but mainly to speak to the kids. Indeed I have got to go away for nearly 2 weeks in a couple of weeks (happens once a year only) and even though I will miss the kids (barely like to think about it though - try to block the missing them out) I am not bothered about leaving him for so long.

Just wondering if it is pretty normal that with 2 small kids the relationship becomes transactional. Feel more like brother and sister really.

Well we have 3 young kids and our relationship is definitely not a brother sister one.

I think it sounds like there are deeper issues in your marriage. If the intimacy is waning, you need to understand why? And if there is no sex, is this a friendship? Not really. We like to see our friends, to call them and chat.

It sounds like you both don't talk. That's a dangereous road I think.

hmm - that's what I thought phipps - you said you half don't want to go away as you will miss him loads. I am hoping it is just a temporary thing and we will get our mojo back...

DH goes away a lot. Sometimes I miss him a lot, sometimes not at all. The fact is that life in general and certainly the way ds behaves are easier without him there. It's not him, it's just easier without another person to consider.
I love it when he's here, actually, and I look forward to seeing him come home as well. But yes it is fine to enjoy time totally alone in the evenings and to feel the lifting of the "pressure" (not quit the right word) of another person you have to think about.
It's a luxury to get evenings alone, for a bit, anyway.

But if you think there are issues - then there are issues.

Yes unprune. Are you saying that ds behaves better without him there. My 2 DCs have behaved a LOT better this weekend. DD is 2 and having the usual "got to do everything myself" temper tantrums. But not this weekend. She has been such fun. DH does totally jump to their tune and so they play him up and he gets soooo frustrated and annoyed and shouty.

Yes perfumed life. I think I am burying my head in the sand a bit. Don't feel like having sex with him. In fact the opposite, I go to great lengths to avoid it. And we don't really talk as friends anymore. We seem to have totally lost our connection. It is a bit scary but I don't know what to do about it.

I simply don't feel that counselling will help either - there is nothing inherently WRONG as such - he is a nice guy and we bumble along OK - no nastiness etc - just that we have lost our connection. Don't think counselling can bring a connection back. I sometimes get scared that we are simply changing and growing in opposite directions. Then I think, oh don't be so melodramatic - it is normal marriage stuff. Certainly what my mums says when I mentioned it to her (hmm she is of the "stick it through" school).

I think that the DC behave better because they have your full attention.

When I eat on my own with the DSs they are fairly good, we all chat together.

When DH is there, he and I try to talk and so the DSs "play up" to get our attention. We are less focused on them.

On the other issue, lost connection, I have felt like this, I read a very good book recommended on here, seven secrets of success in a marriage (not exact title but if you look in amazon you will find it).

It is really helpful about what to do to rebuild that intimacy and closeness.

It is very good, and describes exactly what your last post says, and what to do about it.

Give it a try.

Thank you for the recommendation jamaisjedors - will certainly try that book - and good to know that others have been through the same and come out close again on the other side.

The thing is - they do get our attention all the time - that is probably half the problem. It sometimes annoys me that we never are able to have a conversation between ourselves when they are around. My DH simply doesn't listen to me - he is too preoccupied that DCs are OK. I get in from work and we sit round the table and it is not the kids who are fighting for the attention. If I try and talk to him, he will look away mid conversation and ask DD if she is OK. Or jump up and get the juice for DS. So I simply give up and shut up - he doesn't look remotely interested in what I have to say! And then by the time they are in bed I am so pissed off that we haven't spoken I simply shut up.

We have recently moved abroad for my new job - and the reason DH hasn't worked for 5 months is to settle them down and into a new life. However he has just got a job now which will do him the world of good as he is not cut out to be a stay at home dad despite adoring them!!!

We don't go out in the evenings together as haven't wanted to leave them with anyone else yet for fear of unsettling them, and we are paranoid that they settle OK so simply spend our entire weekends with them (which of course I love given that I work all week).

I think maybe it is that we feel guilty about unsettling them with the move and me feeling guilty that I have taken this demanding full time job - that we simply devote our spare time to the DCs and not each other if you see what I mean.

I am simply petrified to go away with DH together because I am already feeling so bad to leave them all day when at work. And in a new country, new school, new house etc. Probably not surprisingly our marriage has suffered....

Thank you all for your help.

"haven't wanted to leave them with anyone else yet for fear of unsettling them, and we are paranoid "

maybe look at that sentence? why are you apranoid? did you have babysitters back home?

so who will care for them when you DH goes to work?

you need to get them used to a carer...not sure why you dont get a regular babysitter?

them elarning that you do go out both of you and still come back will make them more secure, not less...

if you enver spend time togetether just as adults then that probably doesnt help...

thing is small children can settle anywhere - so long as the adults around them are ok with it.

"petrified to go away with DH together "
"feeling so bad"

dont feel guilty - presumably you get lot of benefits eg warm weather nice house etc from this job?

thing is if you feeling anxious about stuff then it will filter thru...

Hello cestlavielife - yes we had a regular nanny back in the UK. And we had a new nanny who started today! She is here for a week with DH and then he starts work next Monday. It went well. They will go to nursery until 3pm (DS is already settled there and DD will start and is used to going there to pick DS up with DH) and then the nanny will look after them from 3pm until 7pm.

So that is a big step and a start.

Yes - good point re. them learning about us going out and that we do come back. Hadn't thought of that.

Yes - we do get benefits - the weather is great and we live in a flat here not a house but it is central. We spend every weekend doing different things together with them.

I hope it will get easier now DH is at work, we have a regular carer they can get used to and can babysit in the evenings.

Thank you for your care.