pathetically desperate for advice

[friendlybear]

We are married no children. My DP started a small business 3 years ago. It makes a small loss each year.

I earn quite a lot doing something pretty boring which involves working 6 or even 7 days a week. I also brought all of the wealth to the relationship saved from my pre-relationship income. This means that I now pay for everything: holidays, clothes, all bills, mortgage, DP's car. I also lend or give DP large lump sums of cash fairly regularly.

This gives rise to endless questions and difficulties. In our relationship we agree most things together, but it's just inevitable that I pay 100% all of the time.

Is this right? Should I insist that DP earns a living? Or under the present arrangement should I get to decide eg where we live? Isn't there something faintly pre-historic about this kind of arrangement?

No one else I know is in this kind of situation. Lots of people give up paid employment eg to look after children, or to do a specific project (eg a degree) but this isn't either of those cases.

Would be interested to hear of any similar experiences. Plus no doubt the usual abuse etc.

I think that you are entitled to question how long you are meant to support you both whilst DP starts his own business. It is only right that there should be a discussion about when he should call it a day, if he is not making at least X amount.

OTOH you have no right to make decisions such as where you live, by yourself. Why would you even want to?

It sounds like you have lost respect for him.

hi Friendlybear - this isn't supposed to be abusive so please don't take it that way.

If you read your post the otherway around, with DH and DW swapped over I suspect you would have a hundred post long stream of vitriol - almost certainly including Scary Fucker advocationg the end of the relationship - saying you husband is "abusing" you!

I think TheProvincailLady has hit the nail on the head.

You are flogging your self 6 or 7 days a week to keep the family afloat while your husband swans around in what is, I suspect, a feckless hobby job he rather enjoys. I'd be fucking furious in your position.

A happy and sucessful relationship must be based on mutual respect and responsibilty. In this case he should be asking himself if he's acting responsibly. On of my best mates is a feckless (talented) dreamer - great fun to be around and tries really hard at his projects, but I doubt they will ever go anywhere. He is in effect his wifes attractive and entertaining luggage - which is fine beacuse she has tons of money, so no real friction results and she loves and respects his artistic side, which is where the balance is.

(I'm more practical and think he's an idiot but love him like my brother.).

In this case you may need to "re-calibrate" DH in the kindest way possible and ask him to look at the situation from a little further back.

Best of luck with that!

Electribe - no where in OP's post does it say DH or DW, it says DP (which I understand means Darling Partner) - who's to say this is not a man posting?

Sorry I posted that before I was finished.

My ex-p owned his own business which I put a lot of my own money into and never made us any money. I used all my savings during our relationship and it definitely caused a lot of tension between us. I felt that he didn't care about contributing towards our family (I was pregnant at the time) because he didn't want to get a job, was convinced his business would pick up sometime. When we eventually split 2 years later I left the relationship absolutely broke. He had no choice but to get a job as he no longer had someone to sponge off.

I think you could try drawing up a budget so it makes it perfectly clear to your DP that you are paying everything, plus, I wouldn't give them cash anymore! How about discussing your DP taking a part-time job till this business 'picks up' or to cover the funding for it?

It doesn't matter if DP is male or female or if it is a civil marriage.

If friendlybear wants help with earning money then friendlybear should ask DP to get a part time job or come to some sort of compromise.

Electribe, Mousey is right - there's no "he" or "she" in this post at all, and in fact fb avoids gender-specific terms in every post. There is no indication that the OP is female, nor in fact that this is a heterosexual relationship.

Friendlybear, are you happy working the hours that you do? Do you plan to have children? Do you expect your partner to start making a profit eventually? You've said elsewhere that you're exceptionally well off, so hir non-financial contribution isn't actually hurting you. If you like your job and are happy with the hours, then it's really just the principle of the thing. If you'd like to cut down the hours, or move jobs, but feel that you can't because you're the sole breadwinner, that's entirely different.

If my partner expected, long term, that I would support the entire household, I would want to question what his contribution was; i.e., will he be the SAHP when we have children? I think what's bothering you is that there's no end in sight to the situation, and you don't get anything personally out of the arrangement - your partner isn't doing the childcare, or a temporary degree, ze's just expecting you to provide.

I wouldn't like it. I would feel taken advantage of. I would dislike the power differential. I would also be very careful about your legal rights - it sounds like you don't have combined finances, which is good, but do be aware of de facto property laws and how they affect you.

MouseyHousey: Fair point - I made an unreasonable assumption. Apologies.

What is your DP contributing to the household apart from money? Is s/he enhancing your lives or is s/he an expensive parasite? If s/he is a joy to be around and does his/her share of domestic shitwork then never mind what other people might say. If s/he farts about all day hoping for the big break then s/he ought to be good enough at sex to be kept as an exotic pet, otherwise s/he should be told to go leech off someone else.

< quick hijack >

electribe

although you are of course entitled to your opinion on what you think other posters would write in a particular scenario, I just wonder why you would be so rude as to namecheck an individual ?

I think you need to consider the next few years - if you and dp are likely to have children, then presumably dp would be the parent to stay home with them, as his/her business doesn't earn them enough to pay for childcare. Of course if you wanted to put your career on hold to stay at home with the children you could find yourself in a position where that wouldn't be financially viable - and what then if dp wanted to work, too? Financially, you'd be in a very different situation.

Is dp's business likely to start making a profit any time soon? How much money might it make? Friends of mine struggled for a good few years with their business and then in the space of a year it took off like a rocket and made them fairly bloody comfortable. Is this likely with dp's business?

Do you work 6/7 days to support your and dp's lifestyle and dp's business? Personally I would consider my work/life balance - I wouldn't want to work 6/7 days a week unless I was about to lose the roof over my head.

I think it would be reasonable for you and dp to sit down, have a look at their business (bring in outside help if needed) and work out how likely it is to go anywhere. If it turns out the world doesn't need another professional card maker, you have to make some tough decisions. Having said that, if your dp's business is something they absolutely love and they work hard at it, I don't think it's right that they have to give it up purely on the grounds that it doesn't bring in enough money.

PS ScaryFucker I don't get what you mean about electribe namechecking someone?

It's neither right not wrong. It is right if you are both happy though, or wrong if you are not.

Is the dp a female and likly to stay at home to raise kids in the future?

If dp is male, were you under the impression the not making money was going to end sooner?

I would appreciate scareyfucker's opinion whatever the gender

It's ok PL, I don't need to now do I ? [hwink]

Just speaking up for you lovey

Thanks so, so much for everyone's comments - really helpful.

It's not remotely straightforward and it's not really practical trying to summarise the full situation here, eg all the different angles and the respective contributions that we make.

I do enjoy my job, after a fashion. But I work so hard that I am often exhausted and then feel that DP should be supportive / around for me. No doubt that sounds controlling / manipulative but I'm just saying how I feel sometimes.

We would like to have children and I appreciate that if someone took time off work to look after children that would be completely different. So in the long term perhaps it makes no odds.

It's very upsetting for dp if I threaten to call time on the present arrangement. I am always asking for some kind of projected timetable but I know full well that that is just not going to happen.

It's basically fairly shit / depressing.

x