Any Suggestions on how to feel better after split? So confused right now )-:

[lovehasgone]

Hello.

Checking name change

Phew it worked!

I'm really in need of suggestions of how to help myself to feel better after splitting from my partner of 6 years (2 kids).
Although I initiated the split (only a couple of days ago) and I feel there is no going back, IT HURTS SO F*ING MUCH

I'm swinging between remembering the good times and feeling in mourning , almost as bad as when family members have died in the past , and being angry and hating him for what he has done to "us" . Also I'm feeling very sorry about the children not growing up in a family.

The backstory is -

We have always had what I would say "normal" problems, like all couples do - arguments about stuff, but we were generally close. Last year he suffered a couple of setbacks and started to drink more - his friends who by coincidence were unemployed at the time joined him .

His personality has changed. He is snappy with me, doesn't take my feelings into account at all, and regularly calls me horrible names if I challenge him on anything at all. I kept telling him I would leave if he didn't cut down his drinking and stop the nastiness. He did for a while as he got a new job with long hours so couldn't drink as much and we didn't see each other as much so when we did see each other he would be really nice , taking me for dinner etc.
He still has the job and I though things had been better between us. On Tuesday this week I came in from work an hour earlier than usual and found a big bottle of cider and cans of beer in the bin that had DEFINATELY not been there the night before or that morning. They hadn't been anywhere 'normal' in the house either as I had cleaned house the night before, so they must have been hidden. When he got in from work I took the opportunity to confront him as DCs were at club so they wouldn't hear. Thank God they weren't about because when I challenged him he was sneering at me, shouting , telling me to "Say goodbye to your kids" laughing manically at me "Do you think anyone cares what you think??? hahahaha" "I don't give a fuck about you" . He was definately sober though, as I would smell it and notice in his speech if he has had even 1 or 2. He finally admitted later that night he had hidden the empty drink in the wardrobe the other day when his friend was round as he didn't want me "moaning" at him.

I threw him out there and then. He went to his mums. I don't trust him anymore, I feel so hurt and doubt I could ever forgive him for the things he said.

I took his keys from him (house in my name, his mum's house in his name), but today he called me to ask if I was in as he was coming "for lunch". I said he is not using the place as a hotel. He maintains that he bought the food. So I said he can come and take some of the food "he" bought to his mums but I don't want him around me.

He came and did look ashamed and said "sorry"
I told him I didn't think I could ever forgive him for lying and the things he said.

Then he said "are you still here?" and called me a "c*nt"

I'm so hurt and although I know I don't want him near me, it's as if I'm still waiting for things to be ok. I was supposed to be going into work today after being off sick because of this for 2 weeks, but I just can't bring myself to go although me boss is really getting annoyed at my flakiness. I just can't seem to get it together to move.

I was thinking I could write him a letter and drop it at his mums (he has never had a mobile and I don't want to burden his mum with dragging her into it by calling her) explaining how I feel and why I need to leave and it is final. Then I may feel better since he won't "let" me talk to him. Do you think that is a good idea?

Seeing his stuff and the photos of when DCs were babies is even hurting, so I was thinking of asking him to pick his stuff up tomorrow/Mon, but will probably just get a barrage of abuse.

Childcare is sorted as DC's in school and CM 8-6 Mon to Fri and his mum does any extra we need. Also property is easy as we agreed to put the lease of this house in my name as he is the owner of the house his mum lives in - so he goes back ther (big house, only 5 mins away, morgage paid off) and I stay here. It should be so easy - but it's still so bloody hurtful

Sorry that turned into a complete spilling-of-feelings novel

God, reading your post is giving me shivers..i'm in a similar position-Split from my XP of 4 yrs, for the fifth time ,9 days ago.

I just kept going back. We'd split, then he'd start texting "sorrys", and being lovely, then the abuse would start again.

I lost my confidence and self esteem,and started to think i was going mad.. Then i went to see a counsellor..

My XP used to drink too, but it was because he had real problems that he refuses to deal with, thing is the drink related aggression wasn't just while he was pissed, but the next day too..

It IS hard to let go of the good times,( my situation is 'cleaner' then yours, as i never let him move in, and my kids aren't his..)The good times are like a drug,pulling you back in, but at the end of the day,without the problems being resolved,you cannot go back.It takes amazing strength, but there are so many women on MN that have done it!

I check my mobile every time i am in the kitchen, but if he did text i would be so torn between head and heart. You deserve better, as do i, and every day we manage to stay away is a day nearer to happiness.

I would say,be careful about writing a letter,if you continue communication on that level, you may be sucked in again.Ultimately nothing has changed, of course you want to explain your side, but think about why, are you sure it's not to maintain the emotional ties ?

Be strong, i know it hurts like hell, a big part of your life has gone, but it is broken!
Keep your brain occupied , do some nice things, start a new engulfing project.. Keep going forwards..

Good luck, i am thinking of you.. Going to go and turn my mobile off now
Keep posting!

Hi JellyKat, thanks for replying to my mammoth-post .

Mine never even texts really , just walks back in as if everything is fine , like today

My work do 8 weekly free counselling sessions so might make use of that. Did you find it helpful?

It's hard because I know he will be back soon - ie tonight, tomorrow or next acting as if nothing has happened. If I don't let him in he will go on about me splitting up the family (me???). I might get lured back in by the good times - I remember him playing with the kids in the garden in the summer in the paddling pool etc, see the photos in the house and I want that. - The acting like nothing has happened I can see now is another way of saying to me "You feelings don't really matter"

The letter thing was honestly not to try and get back with him, I just have this intense desire to explain to him why I am doing this. I don't know why really

I can't seem to get my ass in gear and move to do anything. Kids are with their Granny tonight and I'm sitting here shaking in PJs!!! Can't motivate myself to do anything, but will have to go to work tomorrow so although not fun as I hate my job, it will at least get me out of the house.

So sorry you are also going through this, hope you feel better soon. Easier said than done eh

Well done for getting out , I have had 11 years of this and have given him opportunity after opportunity ,have been single for one week now,my ds 2.5 was starting to be woken up by the drunken shouting when he came home.Enough is enough People like this will destroy your confidence ,you will become immune to their insults and their drunkenness will become a way of life . They however will continue in a drunken stupour relatively unaware of the harm they are causing around them . This last week although i am sad for what could have been !!! and the wish i had for a normal family life have been like a holiday although stll cannot get used to the fact that my Dh will not be coming home drunk and shouting , I have to keep reminding myself that at long last my home and my sons home are peacful and as a home should be again.

Yeah easier said.. think its going to take a long time.. but best not to think about that,have taken to putting a tick on the calender at the end of each day- a kind of "yay another day i've managed to survive without him".. think it really is one day at a time!

YES, you are right, the acting like nothing has happened is that exactly! My XP came to get his stuff once, then texted me an hour later to ask if i wanted to go to the cinema!

It's so confusing isn't it? It's like- you know which way is up, but your brain trails off in different directions..

Yes counselling was a godsend, just talking it through is a must have to staying sane, i didn't want to go on anti ds, and it helps to clarify your thoughts. (actually my counsellor is the one who directed me to MN it keeps my brain occupied!)I would say most definitely give it a go!

Its good you've got work tomorrow, have you eaten today??

Well done Calypsoblue!! (im a one finger typer-slow! and didn't refresh before posting)
You,ve done a whole week too!

Hi Calypsoblue and hi to Jellycat again

I know what you mean Calypsoblue - Insults and events that would have most people filing for divorce have become normalised in my house. It's like I'm stuck in Quicksand. Usually things are ok during the week as I work long hours and we work different shifts and rarely see each other, He doesn't actually start in front of the kids either - he is sickly sweet when they are around grrr and also very toned down when we are with friends (although sometimes the facade slips if he is drunk and his friends are aghast at what he says to me). But any time we have alone in the house without them he will use anything I say he doesn't like as an excuse to attack me ie - me= "did you buy bread?" him= "fuck off!" then it turns into a huge screaming match and him blaming me!

Good to know counselling helped Calypsoblue, my boss is aware of whats going on so I will call her on Monday (won't see her tomorrow) and get counselling set up. The counselling is more focused on the job I do (which can be hard at times) but hopefully the counsellor will be able to help in this situation too.

You have read my mind about the food I have spent most of today moping around and in bed under the covers (at 4pm etc!) but have now realised although I don't feel hungry the shakiness is probably lack of food so put some chips and burgers in the oven and peas in the micro.

xxx

Bed is a bad place to be sometimes.. because those unhelpful thoughts will go round and around..

Please look after yourself LHG x

Lovehg...How did you get on today? I hope it helped a bit to get out of the house..