very boring financial thing

[friendlybear]

We are married no children.

My DP started a small business 3 years ago. It makes a small loss each year.

I earn quite a lot doing something pretty boring which involves working 6-7 days a week. I also brought all of the wealth to the relationship saved from my pre-relationship income.

This means that I now pay for everything: holidays, clothes, all bills, mortgage, DP's car. I also lend or give DP large lump sums of cash fairly regularly.

This gives rise to endless questions and difficulties.

In our relationship we agree most things together, but it's just inevitable that I pay 100% all of the time.

Is this right? Should I insist that DP earns a living? Or under the present arrangement should I get to decide eg where we live? Isn't there something faintly pre-historic about this kind of arrangement?

No one else I know is in this kind of situation: lots of people give up earned employment to look after children, or to do a specific project (eg a degree) but this isn't either of those cases.

Would be interested to hear of any similar experiences. Plus no doubt the usual abuse etc.

I think it's about what works for you, friendlybear, not what is 'right' or 'wrong' as such. If it feels wrong or is upsetting you then something needs to change.

I contribute by far the most financially in my relationship with DP, because DP has just started a business. However, in his case it is growing and he is very proactive about making that happen - the amount he contributes is steadily increasing.

I imagine that I would feel very differently if there were no prospect of things changing in the future. So would my DP, I might add - he doesn't WANT things to be so imbalanced forever.

How long have you been the main provider - more than those three years? What were things like before then?

I have a friend whose DP wanted to pursue a career that is notoriously precarious. For years and years she brought in the main income while he tried to make his dreams come true. In between times he did a manual job that brought in a little bit of money here and there.

Eventually she called time on it - said that she wanted a family which would require him bringing in more money than he was at the time. Asked if he was prepared to give up on the thing that wasn't working out, and focus on their future together. He agreed, and went full time with the manual job, which has now turned into a successful small business. And they are now parents.

Like I said, I don't there's a right answer objectively - but I do think there is a right answer for you and your relationship. If you're really not happy with how things are, then he needs to listen to that and be prepared to potentially make changes.

I guess it depends on the prospects for his business. 3 years is still quite young for a business and if it looks as if it will flourish then it's worth sticking with it. If it is obviously going nowhere then I would say he does have a duty to try to find some means of making a financial contribution.

Agree with glasscompletely - what are his prospects? Does he have a business plan and is he likely to start bringing in money? If not, then it's basically an expensive hobby.

I can sort of understand your situation although my dh does contribute (and even earns more than me) but a lot of his money goes out on repaying debt and he NEVER has cash for holidays, childrens things (we have 2 DCs) and I have often bailed him out.

We have regular financial meetings (household is like a small business imo), which started with him storming out whenever I suggested he budget, monitor spending, spend less etc. Gradually he has started to listen and now updates me on his debt repayments and we can finally look at buying a house. It's only right and fair that he should contribute so I did play hardball for a while.

Do you feel your DP is taking you for a ride here? Has he never had to support himself financially?

thanks so much for the comments thus far

DP has worked in various quite good career type jobs but hates being an employee - and in fairness works incredibly hard at the business

I am fairly obsessive about money due to my parents' financial difficulties as a child (which I can hardly bring myself to think about), and this makes me slightly anal now, eg I will do everything to avoid even being overdrawn and monitor all expenditure obsessively, and work v diligently at v well paid job etc

the problem I find is that it is quite difficult finding a balance from day to day or generally; there's a sort of rather unpleasant feeling at the back of my mind that DP has nothing without me and that feeling has a habit of manifesting itself eg when we are having an argument about something; part of me feels that it's so unloving to think like that; part of me feels it's ridiculous to be in this sort of position ie totally imbalanced which is very far from being of my making

does that make sense?

I should add, at the risk of sounding like a complete turd, that we are exceptionally well off by any remotely normal standards so in a way it shouldn't be an issue at all